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Amos Midzi

With Bra Gee
Flower princess
We rocked with laughter upon hearing that the noveau rich princess’ marriage consummation was interrupted because the bride was so happy to be hitched that she burst into bloom.

Unfortunately this is not the kind of flowers that scent the garden and present the eye with a pleasing vista. We feel sorry for the poor frog-turned-prince-turned-frog who must have been horrified to be presented with burst popcorn growths in places where he expected smooth sailing. We shall forego imagining what he may have been doing when he made that highly unpleasant discovery.

Now we know why he immediately found the most expensive pub with his allowance from the wedding cash gifts; it was more than a man could be expected to face with a sober mind, especially in addition to that terrible wedding cake and black armpits. Even a teetotal priest would have rushed for a stiff drink.

Cat among the pigeons
Like everyone else in the country we are fascinated by the unravelling of the seams of some of what we believed to be invincible giants. The sight of the stuffing pushing outwards as the innards are revealed has kept us and everyone else glued to our seats in the arena with all eyes firmly stuck on the stage.

It is a sight worth all the deprivation of those unspeakable days to see grown-ups tearing off each other’s designer clothing to reveal humble Mopani worms in the jungles where we have always been taught to believe that royal pythons are in residence. Now that the tumbling of Jericho’s walls is upon us, we cannot wait to see the full list of the casualties.

Who or what is next? Which rumours that are “facts which everyone knows” are soon to be proved correct in the most spectacular manner? Our fingers have grown smooth and lost their distinctive fingerprint ridging as we follow this or that character on Facebook, join this or that page, read and forward yet another WhatsApp message claiming to have all the latest information.

Then we rush to buy the paper to find out if what we heard is true, or rather if the people who matter may believe it to be true.

These are exciting times to be alive, surely. Unless you happen to be unlucky or merely stupid and you listen to the rabble urging you to do it.

Then your leather comes in contact with some hard object like a stone, stick, wheel spanner or clenched fist and the rebel spirit in you shrivels into a painful heap of rags deposited like so much trash on the pavement. Meanwhile, all your cheerleaders are posting pictures of your raw liver-like welts all over social media pages as though in sympathy while in reality they are making jokes about how ambitious ants think they can rape elephants.

Christmas plan
At the usual place we have always wondered why on earth we seem to be the only lot in the country who have not found the gold mine from whence the good living flows uninterrupted. But recent developments at the auction floors have taught us a valuable lesson.

To live large you do not need to make any mega deals or earn any astounding amount of cash. All you need to do is convince people that you are about to seal mega deals and get loads of cash.

Then everyone will be lining up to avail their services to you on the understanding that they will be paid when the mega deals happen any minute from now.

But the houses of cards are falling apart and each day reading the paper is like watching the latest episode in our favourite comedy series as one big name after another has their mansion gates thrown open for yet another auction for failure to pay debts.

The embarrassment must be agonising and we are laughing with all the spite we can muster.

After all we have had to live with our envy for so many years as these now broke idiots lorded it over us in dazzling splendour, pretending to be better than we are, yet it was all borrowed plumage.

But we have taken notes to ensure that Christmas will not be as gloomy as some doom sayers have started predicting.

All we need to do is talk to the abattoirs and the brewers and or distillers. We are going to get them to give the butcher and the publican good deals where you eat and drink now and pay later.

Of course later we will not be able to pay for anything later and they can come and repossess their empties and the bones of the meat from the dog turds.

We have nothing for them to auction so they will just have to suck it.

Stepping out
As usual we have a question. Maybe it is just that Bra Gee and the Regulars drink so much or are merely backward that they can never understand the truth especially when it is served to them shaken, and not stirred, but we are often left confused by the events in the ‘developed world’.

These are people who have made noise about the Africans saying that homosexuality is un-African. This is not an argument for or against the gay movement.

Sexual preferences are never much of an issue at the usual place as long as the actual acts are between consenting adults and behind closed doors.

(If you were to stop talking to all people whose mouths visit regions where the sun don’t shine, you would soon have to use sign language all the time).

But to get to the question: If the Western world is so tolerant of gay people as they would have us believe, why is it such a big deal for some guy to announce that he likes men and not women?

Why should it be news if the society is so “civilised”? Makes you wonder as to who the real homophobes are, doesn’t it?

And we suppose now everyone will be rushing to be seen with Apple products and what not so as not to be labelled a red neck homophobe, even if they still talk about straight people as versus gay (read queer or bent).

Bra Gees 2014 Awards
The day draws near when we shall be declaring the winners.

Keep watching this space but meanwhile speed up with your nominations on:

Twitter: @brageesbar , Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>

Till next week, bottoms up!