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We will not ask why the two adults had decided to add even one more mouth to their miniscule budget and another warm body to a single room in the first place

BAR TALK With Bra Gee
Come out of the shadows or we will give you a face
Some clever person observed that there is no vacuum in nature. We have no impressive letters after our names but we would like to expound a theory founded on the maxim previously stated: Trying to keep a secret from public knowledge only excites the most salacious rumours which are likely to be worse than the truth.

We are particularly concerned about an organisation that has made a splash and looks like it will be making an even bigger one soon. Poor regulars will be unable to travel to most parts of the capital city without the organisation practically being in their face.

But we get worried when an ‘official’ is all we are going to be told about this setup that is so determined to be good to us and good for us. They claim that they will ensure that we will have plenty more to give the irascible beady eyed publican as they reduce our daily costs etcetera, etcetera and we would love to hoist them on our shoulders and declare them heroes.

So why is whoever it is afraid of putting their face where their intentions are?
The rumour mill has started churning and my, oh my! Our favourite ‘true fact’ is the one that says that they do not want to come out because they are using the proceeds of ill-gotten gains from the State enterprise in the same business which they systematically plundered.

The proponents of that argument declare that it is not a coincidence that the half-hearted attempt at resuscitation of the said enterprise has seen its operations firmly relegated out of the competition arena for the empire-under-construction. And they also mutter darkly about the re-engineering of public access real estate to suit one (as yet) minority player at the expense of the ordinary driver.

Until we hear otherwise from the official sources, we will believe whatever latest word that gets into our ear, no matter how outrageous. And do not blame us if one day the people decide to have a demo against your products and your grandiose plans based on the rumours.
So please entrepreneurs-in-hiding, step out of the shadows or we will create a hideous face for you.

The usual please, barman
We are still trying to digest the fact that expensive and time-consuming tests say that the liquid occasionally coming out of our taps is good enough for the likes of you and I to quaff at our pleasure.

A lot of regulars who adulterate their drinks with the liquid have been wondering if they should thus forego the expense of the bottled variety and just order the tapped version which the publican will have to pay for.

Far be it from us to argue with expensive machines and people with impressive letters after their names that spent half their adult years learning to do these things. But we have this small little problem; our own in-built testing machines are giving us different results.

First the eye sees a sewage-like colour which — if given enough time, settles at the bottom of the container in a greenish-brown slimy sludge that looks remarkably like the contents of Mukuvisi.

You overlook that, and put the water in an opaque drinking receptacle, raise it to the mouth, but the stench assaults your nose and tells you to stop. Summoning all sources of inner strength and actually putting it into the mouth, all sensory nerves on the tongue rapidly inform you that there is something wrong. Then naturally a runny stomach, hives, trumpeting or whatever form your neurosis like to manifests as takes over and you are down for the count.

A long time ago when long suffering teachers were struggling to instil some knowledge into us we managed to grasp that pure water should be colourless, odourless and tasteless. Like we said, we will not argue with the learned people who use expensive machines.

But we will certainly stick with the results of our own in-built testing devices. So barman, give us the usual please and definitely no tap water, not even in the ice cubes!

Will the real children please stand up?
We are a bit confused as to just who should be called a child in this country. If they commit crimes we have to stand by them until they turn 21. At the age of 16 they are free to have sex. At 18 they can vote, get married, drink, buy cigarettes and do almost everything else that we can do.

But most of them still cannot earn their own money unless it is on their backs or they are in the thieving business.
So should we all follow the example of the eminently respectable personage and chuck out all the kids as so much excess baggage the moment that they turn 18? Never mind if the accursed blighters are still in school at that point.

Or maybe we can appeal to the relevant ministry to enact a law which forces all children to start going to school as soon as they are born. This is to ensure that by the time they turn 18 they will have completed their tertiary studies and are no longer a drag on our drinking allowance.

Let mouth and pocket meet here
Last week we spoke about those who are for and against the population explosion that has already happened. Our position has been vindicated by the addition of four brand new citizens to one family which now has been increased by 133 percent in one stroke.

We will not ask why the two adults had decided to add even one more mouth to their miniscule budget and another warm body to a single room in the first place.

But instead we will challenge those who have been calling on us to breed and multiply fit to embarrass the rats.
Please welcome these additions that you have been crying for with diapers, milk, food, clothes, detergent, a washing machine, funds for childcare assistance, special perambulators, toys and decent accommodation.

Do not put your wallets away as yet, as we would like to see you extend your population growth incentives in tandem with your mouths in areas like Mbare hostels, Epworth and Chitungwiza even if the citizens there are only each adding one measly figure at a time to the national numbers.

Meanwhile we are off to open a day care and preschool centre. Even in our befuddled state we too can now see where future growth industries lie.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]