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You sure do stand out in a house filled with people who are not dleivering the promises that they traded for our votes. Come to the usual place any day and we will give you a hero’s cheer.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumours doing the rounds that Bra Gee and the regulars were missing from the usual place because they had been requested to attend an urgent and unavoidable meeting involving assisting certain officials with investigations into matters pertaining anonymous rabble-rousers operating in cyberspace.
The truth as usual is mundane and totally uninteresting. The regular place was simply closed because there was no water. So this week we will have to cover for lost drinking time.

Eating is also lethal
We have said it before and we will say it again. Please give us statistics to show that drinkers and smokers get sicker more and oftener than those who spend their lives stuffing their faces with sugary drinks and fat laden fast foods and we will happily pay any tax that is thrown our way.

If the state is happy to give free medication to people who indulge in unprotected sex why should it lean on those who only wish to drink and smoke themselves to an early grave? Why should we be labelled sinners when every human being deserves that label? Enough is enough, we are tired of this brainless discrimination. Either all citizens contribute equitably to this health fund or every ‘vulnerable’ group is brought on board to pay special levies.

So we would suggest a highly punitive tax for all found to be suffering from STIs. Such people are dangerous as they wilfully contract social diseases which are a cause of concern especially in the tertiary institutions, so we have heard. And of course pregnant women are living proof of unprotected sex and will have to be punished too.

After all they will add to the numbers of maternal and infant mortality so why should they get away scot free? You could also try to net the men responsible as individuals or just levy all men a baby tax, except those who can prove infertility, of course.

And as long as you are punishing poor lifestyle choices, we urge you to introduce a tax for all overweight people, because they are obviously not eating and exercising right and they are taxing the health delivery services as we have to live with their obesity related diseases.

Also please, not to forget all these careless people walking about in the city and rural areas between 10 in the morning and three in the afternoon with no sunscreen or hats. They are courting cancer and will soon be lining up at the few facilities available.

Then there are the road users, not just the drivers. All these pedestrians and passengers who also get themselves maimed and killed on a regular basis need to put something in the kitty, as you phrased it, sirs.

Then when the funds have come in, please make sure that a certain percentage is dedicated to the prophets and n’angas that are doing a brilliant job of de-congesting the hospitals as many people prefer to go and die at their shrines while waiting for miracle healing.

Unless you do as we suggest, we promise that if you tax our purchases at the usual place, we will create a black market immediately. So ponder on whether you want to be remembered as the men who nationalised shebeens. Ministers, you have been warned.

Arrogant arrogance unsurpassed
Whatever happened to the principle of servant leaders who actually care about the masses who elect them into power? Whatever happened to extravagant election campaigns to serve the ordinary citizen? All we are getting is hubris as our servants tell us that they are not answerable to anyone, presumably not even the being upstairs.

We are beginning to wonder if it is the high sounding educational qualifications that turn ordinary people into outstanding icons in their own view. For these arrogant people have nothing to show for all their supposed brilliance as their careers are a study in how not to run public offices. Yet they still dare to sneer in front of us.

It is with much disgust towards such fellows that we have felt the need to celebrate the truthful politicians who are really trying to live up to their election promises. Cde Joseph Chinotimba, join us for a drink any time at the usual place and we will even pay the bill. You are a hero after our hearts. Endorsement by the people who voted for you is what counts as true leadership with us any day of the week, not speeches of how untouchable and rich an elected official is. Unless of course, the said official would like to explain in detail just how they got to the point where they can challenge Midas and Croesus combined.

Smoke in the spiritual eye
You know we can never resist trying to understand the working of the other usual places where the regulars buy tiny bottles of cooking oil instead of intoxicating fluids. What we would like to know this week is how the spiritual eyes that see who is going to be rich and blessed could have missed that the doctorate on offer would bring shame and not glory.

Surely the all seeing prophetic eyes could have discerned the murky results well in advance. And we are talking of two pairs of eyes for that matter. Not that we have anything against the recent wave of anointing that seems to be passed on in the bedroom along with conjugal exercises.

But we are just wondering why the unified double potency missed that one big embarrassment ahead. And now we are wondering just how much into the future the prophet and prophetess can see, especially in light of the failure of us finding diamonds and gold on the streets, miracle money in our accounts, miracle cars in our driveways in years past as they had promised from their visions.

Could the powers be fading? Would that explain why that camp has been scooped on the cooking oil front yet they were the first to claim the space? Incidentally would someone please tell us if they know of any one unhappy woman who has since regained supremacy over an errant husband after using the cooking oil? Any men who have since found jobs? Please help us with information so that we can also rush to get this cooking oil.

Nicodemuses and night owls
We have become highly hopeful at the fact that we have very important people who are spending sleepless nights as they try by all means fair and foul to finds space on padded cushions.

Surely if our high ups are burning the midnight oil in ensuring themselves plush positions at the big do, that should be good for us, right?
Maybe they will turn the experience into a lifetime habit and actually get to the point where they will expend such energy on minor things like making sure that we have taps that produce water every other day, roads that do not destroy our cheap ex-Japs, power that comes on long enough to freeze the meat, oh, and a few jobs for these young people who make up the majority of the country’s population.

The few phrases we have caught from inspirational and motivational speakers say that hope is a good thing, so excuse our gullibility while we temporarily exercise our right to hope foolishly.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]