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Now listen and listen good for a prophecy that sounds like a mere prediction based on deduction is about to come your way

BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Of course this week we cannot resist prophesying. If thousands are willing to pay one man a lot of money for stating the obvious then why should we not also jump onto the bandwagon? We mean if simple deductions like lay-offs resulting in increased crime rates can be passed off as prophecies, then why can’t we did it too?

Who am I?

You know me. I have made sure that I am one of the most talked about personalities in Zimbabwe and it did not hurt my image that I appeared on that list.

Of course I am not talking about the malicious naming of loose women where I managed to appear on the general one and headlined the industry specific one.

I was actually referring to the list of sexiest people in Zimbabwe which someone so helpfully compiled and included yours truly. Never mind the haters who said the list was subjective and all other nonsense. I am on it, therefore it must be objective.

For sex and I are perfect mates. Those of you who were at the NAMAs may have noticed how I left the venue with one of these musicians of the moment after I asked him if we could leave the venue together.

I do not kiss and tell so you can reach whatever conclusion you like. I am sure you can figure out just what went down before that hapless woman finally got to see her spouse.

Unfortunately begging and I are also becoming synonyms. I have become a pest for the clothing shop owners and designers of Harare as I approach them to beg for apparel. I have an image to maintain and I do not see why I should pay for my clothes like other mere mortals.

So if you own a shop, get ready with the wardrobe already because I will be at your door telling you that I am the best advert for your merchandise.

In my search for “fabulosity” and publicity I have also taken to begging for shows where I can emcee.

I have stooped so low that I will literally grab any high profile gig from the mouth of any other person as I offer to do it for free.

For you see, while they are worried about getting a few dollars from the organisers, I can afford to donate my time because my jackpot comes after the event.

I assure you that while I am in front giving light to the event I will be on the hunt.

When I spot what looks like a loaded and or influential man the rest is easy. For am I not a born torch to attract all manner of victims by my glow? And it helps that I have no spouse in the vicinity to interfere.

Once the spark is ignited, the rest, as they say, is history.

One day my women activist sisters will discover that it is not a bad thing that men pay better when a woman is in a supine position than when she is vertical.

And if she does it right, she can enjoy the whole process better than the man because physically she can climb the heights more frequently than him in any given space of time, be it quick or extended.

Then maybe they will stop all this nonsense of trying to make out that prostitution is about men exploiting women instead of the other way round.

I foresee . . .

Of course this week we cannot resist prophesying. If thousands are willing to pay one man a lot of money for stating the obvious then why should we not also jump onto the bandwagon?

We mean if simple deductions like lay-offs resulting in increased crime rates can be passed off as prophecies, then why can’t we did it too?

We would therefore like to lay claim to the prophecy that some of our sisters who sell intangible goods especially at night are in for a torrid time. Not only have some of their regular benefactors been unceremoniously shown the door, even the chance pick-ups will be reduced as fewer people can afford the luxury of hiring ecstasy for a few minutes or hours.

As if that is not bad enough those still at work will be victims of the expected crime wave. So at the end of the day it is the sisters who will suffer most.

Oh, before we close this one, we think we should share with prophet worshippers that plans to build bigger and presumably better prison facilities in the county are no divine secret but a stated government goal.

Heads you lose, tails I win

We knew that there was a curse on this nation. First of all the prophet said we would get gold in the streets and life would just be perfect. It did not happen.

Then last year around this time he gave out some snake oil that would end poverty.

Didn’t happen either. So we figured out there was a curse but we just could not figure it out.

But now we are smacking our heads over our idiocy.

For better minds than ours have finally figured out that it was the hijacked skulls that were casting a pall over our economy all this time.

This is the reason why all our high sounding ideas have never gone anywhere.

This is the exact reason why we seem to somehow lose the plot at that delicate point between visualising and execution otherwise known as implementation.

This is the reason why we have allowed corruption to flourish.

This is the reason why sanctions have paralysed us to the extent that even things that we can do ourselves with locally available material have somehow become impossible.

This is the real reason why we can never find money for capital investments but somehow seem to be able have unlimited funds to import consumer goods and regularly throw lavish parties.

We now understand why our farmers have not been able to really take off the ground in spite of all Government support in the form of programmes like the much maligned Bacossi.

The list goes on, but we are sure you get the drift.

So you and I must impatiently await the return of the revered- or is it severed heads so that the things can finally click into place. Who are we to argue when our betters tell us it is so?

Last Call: Steal, but do not eat

For those who are thinking of fulfilling the crime wave prediction, sorry we mean prophecy, we beg you to take caution.

Some of you who are old enough will remember a Harare idiot who broke into a shop and got himself a spanking new set of trousers, then left his old pair, with is ID in the pocket! Here is another example of how not to be a thief.

Burglar caught by DNA after leaving half-eaten beef jerky at crime scene

An English meat-loving burglar Kristian Dee Evans (33) has landed himself in jail after leaving a half-eaten piece of beef jerky on the floor of a house he had broken into.

Detective Inspector Trudi Meyrick said: “An investigation got underway and during the crime scene investigation it became apparent that the piece of beef jerky had been taken from the kitchen, half consumed and discarded on the floor.

“It was forensically examined and contained the full DNA profile of Evans who was quickly traced and arrested for the burglary.”

When he was arrested, he still had the three suitcases which he had stolen with him.

Evans is now beginning a three-year jail term. — mirror.co.uk

Till next week, bottoms up!

 Facebook: Bra Gee, Twitter: @brageesbar, Email: [email protected]