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Cuthbert Dube

Bar Talk with Bra Gee
Who am I?

What is my claim to fame? The truth is nothing really, just a great talent for self-marketing so I guess you could say like Paris Hilton, I am famous for being famous.

I have built myself up to appear to be a political player of note on the back of schmoozing up to the real movers and shakers. On my own CV I can claim a failed attempt to be a legislator which I used as platform to appoint myself one and pretend to be more influential than the genuine incumbent.

You may know me for my loud mouth, a trait I share with some of those on whose coattails I hang on. I also strive to be perceived as a sharp dresser though sometimes the wannabe designer look does not quite come out right.

Or maybe it is my perceived promiscuity that you really associate with me. Yes, I am the guy who always gets all the models to do a little turn on my personal catwalk. My flings are all short and sweet.

I may turn up for high key functions in a jacket I have worn before, but I assure you that I will not have the same arm candy. I mean, I am just too sexy to keep my charm for one lady when there is queue of others awaiting their turn to be aced by yours truly.

A guy cannot be good looking, famous and successful without earning detractors. So you will hear those that say I am nothing but a glorified hanger-on scrounging a bubblegum high life by sailing very close to the wind.

They claim that I use my political connections for activities that are tantamount to extortion. But these are the same people who say that I really walk on the other side of the street and the reason I drop girls so fast is because I am afraid that if they are around me for too long they will force me out of the closet.

They even say that I am a high profile pimp as I procure models for my influential friends.

So when they see me with all the pretty girls, they turn green then say I am just a cut-out to distract the rumour mongers from knowing who will really be slipping between the sheets with the delicious morsels on long legs.

Like I said, a man in my position expects such malice. It simply validates the point that I have made it into the premier league. So eat your hearts outs losers and see if I care.

Frying pan into the fire?

Every reader of this column knows that Bra Gee and the regulars were rabid and ardent anti-Cuthbert Dube activists. We worked tirelessly to get him out of the beautiful game and will gladly kiss the ground stepped on by the man who got rid of him. But the minister has done his job and now the ball is in the court of the councillors. Are they about to tip us into the embers just as we are sighing in relief at having finally climbed out of the frying pan?

Are we to see our very own version of Donald Trump romp to victory because like the departed and unmissed Cuthbert he has money to throw left and right to stop people from acting responsibly?

Besides the humour value like when he swears all over internet, what exactly are we expecting from this clown?

He has already shown us the stuff that he is made of by using the fame generated by his football dalliances by telling us that he will bring Beyonce, Nicky Minaj or some other scantily dressed woman.

As one regular asked on his Facebook wall, what on earth does this have to do with football? We would have been impressed if he had told us that he was bringing Messi, Rooney or anyone else connected with the game. Hell, we would even applaud him for bringing pastured horses like Pele and Maradonna. But Beyonce? No, we got enough of naked prancing women at the non-carnival, thank you.

Dear minister, we would like to urge you to extend the deadline so we can start getting serious and pull out some names who may serve the nation. We are sorry that we let time fly without really attempting to do anything, blame the drink. Please give us two weeks and we will come up with a team worth of note.

Lists again?

We hear that a musician who is riding high at the moment has really been dishing the goods to all and sundry. In light of recent scandals someone has kindly put together a list of his female fans who believe in getting real close to their hero.

Reading the list we can only conclude that the dude really takes all comers and no one should be surprised that he is now dabbling with a spirit medium old enough to be his granny. But of course a man is entitled to reap the benefits of his fame while he is at the top for success is ephemeral; here one day and gone the next and the chance to sample all dishes will not return when you become a has-been.

Rumour mill

We cannot go away without passing on the latest we have heard. Apparently a gentleman who is politically connected and has made a name for himself by speaking first then never bothering to think he may soon become a person of interest to the police.

The young man who was appointed to head a controversial group by his patron is said to have become the latest land baron as he reportedly sells state land to finance the building of a massive dwelling. We will certainly be watching him closely ready to cackle delightedly when he finally goes down.

Last call: In Praise

of Older Women

In honour of the trending story on social media this week we bring you many reasons why it is better for young man to date older women:

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you, ‘What are you thinking?’ because she doesn’t care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman does not even think about it. An older woman is a lucrative date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will pay for your company. She is almost always already attached to someone, so there’s no need to worry about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest.

An older woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you’re acting like one.

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. An older woman will never accuse you of ‘using her.’

She’s using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date.

A younger woman will wait forever for you to call. An older woman has lots of girlfriends. . . and most of them will want to sample you too. — jokes.cc.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

 Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar, Facebook: Bra Gee