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Drinking and driving is bad enough Doc, but stealing for drinking, hey that gives all regular drinkers a bad name. You, Sir, are permanently blackballed and will never be allowed into the usual place again

BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Finally, the end has come
By hook or by crook, the month of January has come to an end. It has been a heavy period of “eating and drinking healthy” in most homes with sour milk, dehydrated vegetables and small dried kapenta taken with a glass of plain water topping the menu every day.

Almost everyone has been claiming to be on some healthy eating fad diet which ended as soon as their pay sms trilled on the phone. We are not out to say anything nasty about our prayer warrior brethren but we note that they like to open the year with several days of fasting which coincidentally stretch through the period when the deadly January disease is at its peak. Divine inspiration or practical consideration? Well, whatever the cause of deprivation for drinker and faithful alike, we are grateful that it will be another 11 months before we cry again.

One of our own

We are off to Zambia as soon as we can inveigle an invitation to the State House. Our neighbours have gone and put a regular patron of the usual place in the highest office of the land.

So we are sure of a mighty fine welcome if we should ever get ourselves there.

We are proud of that particular regular patron standing tall for all of us by admitting that he likes his wise waters.

We only hope that he will be true to his promise that he stops before the ‘during and after’ effects interfere with his discharge of duties. Otherwise imagine the matinal deliberations in the august office while the principal is bleary eyed, hiccuping, as sick as dog and wishing to be anywhere, except there.

We do not want our name to be disgraced as in the case of that other regular heading an East African state who enjoys his drink so much that he could not even show his face to address the nation when disaster struck.

When he eventually stumbled to his feet it was to blame the hapless victims of a massacre by implying that they had not taken their own personal security seriously.

Anyway, we hope this here regular will be a credit to the drinking constituency and does not embarrass by giving up the ghost to a compromised liver within a few months of occupying the high office, as the usual crowd of doomsday sour pusses are already predicting.

Another good neighbour

After a long stay in Zambia we are off to Namibia. By the time we outlive our welcome in the first country the bill legalising wife swapping will have been passed in the next and we are set to go get ourselves some of the action.

We will make a practical study of how the system works then introduce it here at home in due course. Why keep a good thing to yourself?

We think that if we consider this bill here in our country it might save a lot of headaches.

Look at most of the cheating that goes on; it is married people finding lust with other married people who are not their spouses. Then they find each other out and they cause all sorts of noise.

Then the cops have to stop profitable transactions like exhorting passenger transport vehicle crews as they go off to arrest domestic violence perpetrators who must then be taken to court.

Other married people bother the high courts as they look to erase the supposedly indelible ink that they used to sign that piece of paper before God and men swearing that they would love each other till one of them died.

They are hindering the judges from dealing with murder and other such important crimes, the backlog says so.

So why not just agree that spouse swapping is a desirable thing?

Then we can all drink in peace without having to worry about the type of devotion that the spouse is sharing with the pastor.

Dr Bosh

“I just get absent minded when I get to the checkout counter of a supermarket. I remember to pay for a carrier bag and forget the trolley full of meat and drinks.”

Okay Dr Kadungure, we get you. We must admit that we like your taste in provisions. It is a credit to all drinkers. There is no doubt as to just what you were planning with the 12 cans of Castle lager, two bottles of Viceroy brandy, five packs of goat chops, pork chops, chicken cutlets, beef short ribs, tomatoes and onions.

Our only disappointment is with the eggs. What the hell would we do with those at our favourite braai and drink spot?

But when you marry this pricey taste with an unwillingness to pay for it, it is called theft.

But let us be kind and let you hide behind the finger by giving your sickness a medical term. Say you really do suffer from selective short term memory loss which allows you to forget to pay while you perfectly recall where you left your loaded trolley.

In that case how are you going to handle the patients who come to you for treatment? You will remember to collect your consultation fees then forget to attend to the patient?

Now on to the guard. Why are these supermarkets pushing up the price of their goods by employing dunderheads who cannot even figure out that a trolley full of goods normally goes hand in hand with a till slip longer than the bearer is tall?

Even in those Chinese shops where they give you till slips written in Mandarin, or is that Cantonese or maybe just plain Chinese you can usually figure out the number of items charged even if the rest of the slip is pure Greek, sorry, Chinese.

Last Call

There is a young couple that everyone admires immensely for their mutual devotion and devoutness. Then tragically the man is taken unto his Maker unexpectedly. The bereft widow stands up to give her testimony at the funeral.

“The devil is a liar!” the widow thunders.

“Aaaamen!” The mourners reply with tears in their eyes at witnessing such faith and courage in one so bereaved.

“He has taken my husband thinking that he is fixing me. But I say the devil is a liar!” states the widow with more emphasis and the response is even louder.

“The devil is a liar because I know that before the end of this very day I will have found a better replacement,” the widow concludes her testimony.

There is deafening silence from the mourners.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar