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JACOB MOYANA

Finally, Fimbos after our own hearts. The Zvinhu Zvirikufaya page on Facebook gets our vote for the place to be, when you are not in the usual place, of course. It is not that we particularly find anything inspiring in petty minded people posting about their exaggerated and sometimes outright stupid material markers of supposedly great lives, no.

We simply love the page because it is the one place where you can find Fimbos (that is Facebook Zimbos) local and non-resident celebrating life and not moaning about this or that. High five to the sisters and brothers keeping the flag waving up there in the clouds. Come to the usual place anytime and you can buy us drinks since you have made it.

Let those who wish continue with their usual grouches, while together with the cash baron CEOs we keep the party rocking till sun up!
And in that spirit, we will not even say anything about Tsvangirai and his memory which seems to be more selective than his er, you know – oh, never mind; we have made a promise to be kind to simple minds this week.

A more useful ad hoc parliamentary committee
We definitely agree with the Speaker’s ruling that some things should be left to people who are qualified for the job. So let investigations be handled by investigators and the parliamentarians can always summon those same investigators and roast them alive for sleeping on the job, if they deduce that to be the situation.
But meanwhile we think there is room for the legislators to keep it real much closer at home. As the live screening of debates continues we have noted three types of representatives. The first is made up of those who only open their mouths to say something edifying, insightful, incisive, or just plain intelligent if you like. Anyone would be proud of pointing out such a man or woman as the one who got their X on that fateful day last year. Even the millions of citizens who never bothered to line up at the polling stations are proud of these fellows.
Then there are those who are seemingly bent on contributing to the noise levels by demonstrating their stupidity and unsuitability for the offices that they occupy. Some of them obviously need a lesson in separating emotion and factual presentations. We hope their aides and advisors are fully embarrassed by their shoddy products.
Finally there are those who refuse to stand up to prove the wisdom of the saying that it is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove the fact. Their voices are only audible during the noise sessions ignited by those in group two. And this is where we need investigations. Who are these people and how did they end up there? Whose puppets are they? Who are the real powers behind these little thrones?
Stay on your dung heap, sir
We were happy to read that Jacob Moyana has finally decided to stop trying to treat us like fools, dirty minded fools for that matter. The musician has repeatedly and strenuously claimed that his lyrics are clean and only those with filthy minds will hear vulgar connotations in his songs. But we have been saying one funny song could be considered innocent, two dicey ones could be dismissed as mere coincidence, but a whole album full? Surely even the most innocent of babies would finally get the gist. So thank you Moyana for finally confessing that you are the one with a mind which operates at levels somewhere beneath the belt as you coin lyrics that appeal to those with ‘mischievous’ minds.
But now that you have stepped out of the closet, there is no need to try and be everything to everyone. Why not capitalise on your ‘dirty’ reputation and serve your many ‘mischievous’ minded fans? Millions of us made you popular because we like your music just as it is, double meanings and all. We are not sure that if you ‘clean’ up your act as proposed there will be any act left. Like you said yourself, without the risqué language, you never got anywhere. So what makes you think that the plain product will work out now? Certainly not your 10 minutes of fame as a dirty lyrics composer!
How many were there?
We read that last weekend’s showstopper at Zindoga was sold out and we are not quibbling that. But the person giving out numbers needs to go back to school for some basic arithmetic lessons. If you have seating for 60 000 and there are more than that sitting on the ground then you cannot have a total of 120 000. And we were highly interested to hear that among those who got helped were women with marital problems, but it looks like there were no men seeking the same assistance. Does this mean that only women have marital problems or is it that the oil only helps women? Just checking before we order the spouses to go and beg, borrow or steal a bottle.
Please give them pads
What does the legislator mean by walking out on his tampon-and-pad wielding colleague after declaring that the subject is ‘too painful’ for him to discuss? We really need to know where his pain is emanating from. Shall we be kind and believe that it was caused by sheer embarrassment induced by traditional taboos surrounding the subject? Or could it be a case of a man walking away from a female who insists on broaching subjects beneath a “real” man’s dignity?
After all, if the tampon wielding legislator had dared to go to some sowe in her state of menstruation she would have been chased away for daring to bring her ‘dirty’ self to hallowed ground, in spite of all her state-of-the-art sanitary wear and perfumes. With such colleagues she surely needs the shock tactics for the subject to be heard with the seriousness that it deserves.
We are begging the pained colleague to please join his mates in coming up with a lasting solution to the pressing matter before more activists decide to heed the call for women to go pad-less to make their point. We are very interested in not seeing this happen as we can imagine if the women then decide to bring their act to the usual place after Parliament is closed. Now that would be painful and don’t for a moment imagine that women will not do it. Remember the Suffragettes burning their bras to gain the right to vote, or something like that in the annals of history?
Just this past week on Wednesday millions of women worldwide went bra-less in some freedom initiative that has left us shaking our heads over our drinks. We know that the first one was designed by a man, but are men forcing women to wear bras?
Till next week, bottoms up!
Facebook: Bra Gee/Email: [email protected]