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It looks like our social media commentators are all learning the truism about launching hard missiles while domiciled in structures constructed from transparent non-crystalline amorphous solids.

Bar Talk with Bra Gee 

Unless you have been carrying bags of US Dollars in your car boot and smuggling them out of the country, do not worry about the bond notes. Sorry to burst your balloon of self-importance.Desperate times call for desperate measures. Bra Gee had decided to take his pension and retire to a beach bar on a topical island where cocktails are served by girls wearing nothing but little triangles of cloth over strategic points held together by pieces of string. I will not share the exact location as I may be returning there soon and would not want to be followed by all Zimbabweans who can no more see their neighbour do something and not immediately jump onto the wagon without stopping to think if the train’s destination is where they want to go as well. Anyway, several matters need urgent interdiction and the idyll has had to be suspended.

Cash shortage heaven

Our mates who never had two cents to rub together before seem to have finally hit the mother lode of miracle money. For how else would you explain the fact that they now claim to have money in the bank, if only they could access it.

It looks like they can now afford to buy everyone in the usual place a drink, or even just buy up the whole bar. They could pay fees for the children, give Bra Gee back that loan that he extended a year ago and even send some money to the aged parents back in the rural area, if only these blasted banks would give them their hard-earned cash. Yeah, right.

Do you even have a bank account in your name? Even with the institution that is practically now to be found even in public rest rooms as they try to make sure that every Zimbabwean is banked? Or maybe you do have an account and your client service manager would like you to come in about that amount appearing in brackets at the bottom of your statement sheet. If you did have money in the bank you would shut up about cash shortages and just order the bartender to bring over the swipe machine and get us drunk already!

Fools of the garb

As usual when something happens, as Zimbabweans we resort to talk, talk and more talk. This may take the form of debates-intelligent or otherwise, jokes and missives penned to various authorities. This is exactly what is happening with the news of the bond notes.

The end of the world is nigh, we are told by the merchants of doom. But they have been peddling the same prophecy for a couple of decades now and we have grown tired of their imminent implosions that never come to pass.

Then there are those who will write letters to the editor, harangue anyone unfortunate enough to share a social media chat group with them with some pseudo-intellectual verbose submissions. They will tell us why the system will never work and why it should not happen. But they never give us any practical solutions that Tendai Munhu can act on right now, it is all about some pie in the sky scenarios. And of course there are those who will appear to be experts in kombis as they misinform everyone.

But in the end all these fools of the garb will do exactly what they have always done, which is nothing beyond mere talk. For we are sure that eventually even the most ignorant old man in the back of beyond will figure out that this is much ado about nothing; the sun will still come up and go down and winter will follow autumn.

Meanwhile the clever ones are already putting in place plans to make their fortunes in those first few days of confusion and fear when the bond note hits the street. They will offload the bond notes from you in exchange of US dollars for half the value to the bond note. They will offer you US dollars in cash in exchange for bank transfer, at the cost of a handsome premium, of course.

And do not forget our good friends the prophets. We figure out that a couple will convince some followers that they can convert bond notes to US dollars. Then the police and the courts must stop going after the real criminals while they deal with cases of people crying foul when these promised miracles do not come true.

Unless you have been carrying bags of US Dollars in your car boot and smuggling them out of the country, do not worry about the bond notes. Sorry to burst your balloon of self-importance.

Time bomb friends

Friendship, association, or whatever you term it should come with a warning that it can expire at anytime. For if you know that your pal will one day be your enemy you can keep your private life exactly that. We really do not want to hear about the bedroom antics of some people just because they have fallen out with X or Y.

This is revenge porn at its worst and it really does say more about the one exposing it than the exposed.

You are a fool, sir, for thinking that you are making waves. For what it is really surprising about what consenting adults do behind closed doors? That is not news. Just like your own serial bedding of the model type has never been of interest to anyone else except possibly your interchangeable bedmates.

And hiding behind the finger of blowing the whistle on corruption or criminal activity will not make your package smell any better either. If you were so upright why did you wait for your Humpty-Dumpty moment before trying to become a Cassandra? And would your own house withstand close inspection?

Ornithology talk

We understand your preoccupation with the rather tiny Coturnix japonica. It appears to be the only thing that people can talk about besides the bond notes and the pledge, of course. No, we are assure you that we are not about to bombard you with scientific facts that belong on some dusty shelf. We only take a brief pause in today’s ponderance to help you with your urban dictionary:

Chihuta chamudhara: A beautiful woman, most probably a side dish or small house

Paita chihuta: A deal that will make lots of money in a short term

Chihuta chaicho: Panacea for all ills

Wabhururutsa zvihuta zvangu: You have messed up my deal- usually a con that was about to be played on some unsuspecting person

Kune environment kumberi: (From one kombi driver to another) Police ahead

That is your lesson for the day.

Hunters are prey too

The lion has been known to come out as the loser in battles from what it would have considered its next meal. It looks like our social media commentators are all learning the truism about launching hard missiles while domiciled in structures constructed from transparent non-crystalline amorphous solids. (That is throwing stones from glass houses, for those of you about to bother Uncle Google). Yes, some loud mouths will think twice before they attack the persons of fellow citizens. After setting themselves up as the final authority on everything from relationships, beauty or the lack of, ability or inability to make money, some of the Facebook noise makers had begun to think they are untouchables. Now they know better after finding that tables can quickly turn. As the Chinese say, always make your words soft and sweet, for you never know when you may have to gobble up humble pie. Or in Bra Gee speak, if you must fling out your neighbour’s dirty underwear, first make sure that you have thrown out the discoloured pieces which you inherited from great-grandparents.

Last Call: Clever Bird

We cannot go away without paying homage to the quail:

A quail walked into a store and said, “Got any sweets?” The storekeeper said, “No, we don’t.” The next day, the quail went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same anwer. The quail kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “If you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the quail walks into the store and asks, “Got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “No.” Then the quail asks, “Got any sweets?”

Adapted from: www.funology.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Twitter: @brageesbar, Email: [email protected]