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Miss Uganda there seems to be a united African agenda NOT to win the World title

Who am I? I believe my case was going to just melt into nothing until this Bra Gee touted the failure of the police to find and arrest me for inciting the bashing some of their own as the miracle of 2014. A few weeks after the publication of that scurrilous article I found myself in the dock.

Although I strongly discourage my followers from sending their children to school and insist that they themselves abstain from the evils of formal employment, I did not hesitate to engage a lawyer when it came to the wire. (Now I am afraid that some of my followers may begin to disobey my divine teachings and start trafficking with the devil in the form of education and employment).

I duly claimed to have no interaction with the outside world through the usual agents of propaganda and misinformation such as newspapers, radios and TVs as per my church doctrine to explain why I did not know that I was a seriously wanted man. I claimed to have been at my rural home all the while, thus implying that the police had not been diligent in their attempts to take me into custody.

Then came my day in court.

That is when I proved that my calling is really to be a scriptwriter for some television series.

Honestly I could give you a telenovela to rival the best Spanish productions.

I mean, in just a few days I gave you enough drama and twists to satisfy even the most ardent soapie fan.

Look at how I pulled the treason bunny out of my hat.

For a guy who claims not to know anything about current affairs because of my principle of no news, I sure seemed to be well informed about developments published in the same media outlets that I claim to have no traffic with.

Then seeing that I was not getting much traction with the magistrate I produce my trump card as I produced a doppelgänger and left my defence hanging on a beard, I mean the shading thereof.

I strived to show that everything is not always black and white, or was I trying to show that it always is?

Well, too bad the magistrate is not a fan of a good script and cannot appreciate a masterpiece when it explodes into the courtroom.

Now I expect that this good fellow of mine willing to sacrifice himself for me may soon be answering to charges of perjury.

ZESA boom

By the time you read this your favourite consumer of the wise waters will be in Las Vegas for the fight to end all fights.

No, seriously do you think even if we had them in the first place we would waste thousands of dollars to go to a city that is no more than a legalised big time scam centre to see something that we can and will watch in the comfort of the usual place in the company of the usual suspects?

Certainly not, even if another countrywide blackout is on the way, seeing as the bar owner got used to the vagaries of ZESA a million years ago and patiently collected our filthy dollar notes until there were enough thousands to buy a massive generator.

Too bad not all citizens have had the foresight to invest in these alternative energy sources like inverters, generators, solar panels, gas or even firewood and candles.

So we presume that in nine months we will be seeing some of the results of this noteworthy event.

We predict a baby boom to exceed the one that is already happening which is good enough to warm the heart of that gentleman calling on women to stop popping the small tablets daily.

For make no mistake, we are in for a human explosion that will put China and India to shame. We are told that China is set to lose its top spot as India covers the gap.

But we will give the Indians a good run for their money in the 20 years, we are sure.

Of course there will not be a billion of us, even if we multiply like cockroaches but when it comes to people per square kilometre our name will certainly be in the hat.

You can blame it all on ZESA for plunging us into darkness this week in history.

But we are off to open maternity and paediatric clinics, schools, churches, funeral parlours and related industries in anticipation of the business boom.

Don’t say we did not give you this tip worth a million prosperity prophecies.

Eyes of observers

Let us talk about beauty. No, we are not going to go into the whole debate of whether this girl was the best of the lot or if she was chosen because she is the one least likely to have an existing boyfriend with pictures of her only adorned by Mother Nature.

Or maybe she is the only one who looked like she would be able to go for 12 months without itching to take up some of the offers that will undoubtedly come her way.

Most of them quite indecent ones from oily faced paunchy married men cursed with the worst social graces as well as Mopani worms.

Their only redeeming feature is the amount of money they would be willing to spend on the young lady so that they can tell anyone and everyone that they own the most beautiful woman in the country.

Then after a few months they will dump her and move on to a later model. So we definitely appreciate why the organisers would include that ‘no boyfriend’ clause in the contract. But we just wonder if the human right to safe and pleasurable personal encounters is not being abused here.

We know that somewhere in this country there exists a document that says all of us are entitled to such encounters when so ever we wish.

But to get back to matters of beauty.

We are forced to confess that we latched onto the words of the good minister that maybe the beautiful ones stayed at home.

Because seriously if the lot we saw last weekend is the best that we can do, let us save our money for other uses and stay out of the world competitions.

We will never get a queen, and that looks like it might be the African agenda as Uganda, Kenya and Ghana seem to have managed to select even more topical representatives.

And this is not about complexion, but features so do not throw Lupita in our faces.

And please do not tell us about how there is more to the selection than just looks as it is also about brains and whatnot.

It is all about appearance and nothing else, unless the model in question is a genuine dumb cow who cannot distinguish the difference between albinism and child abuse. Organisers specify a physical type and never ask for IQ ratings.

Those interested in intellectual muscle conduct Olympiads, not modelling pageants!

Last Call: For the lazy worker

Question for the boss: If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

Till next week, bottoms up!

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