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We wonder for how long will Oscar last in the pen

BAR TALK with Bra Gee
ZIFA’s unending gates
It looks like the only people not making money in Zimbabwe are Bra Gee and the regulars.
From the mafia style CEOs to the thieving land barons through the bribe-rich politicians, everyone else seems to have found the door to the city of El Dorado where they just gather the loot belonging to the golden man.
How else would you explain eight people getting a cool $750 000 just for “recording statements and getting any other evidence relevant to the investigation”?

So in other words what did this group of former top soldiers and former top cops and top legal minds and an entrepreneur do? They asked questions and made recommendations which saw some people getting fined some paltry sums which bear no relationship to the staggering bill. And the evidence that they gathered was not even enough to convict the big fish who swam away with impunity only to rise again under the cloud of being the mastermind behind an unholy alliance to sully the allegedly impeccable honour of an allegedly holy person.
You and I could have conducted these hearings during happy hour and presented the Zimbabwe Football Association with more comprehensive detail of exactly what went on during Asiagate.

We would not only have given dry facts of who got what and played which role, but we would have added spices like which unlikely combination shared which hotel room.

For example we can tell you about that violent head of a State authority beating up his model girlfriend in the lobby of a hotel in Mauritius.
The Zimbabwean delegation which included a former football boss and a prominent lady in the corporate world sat by idly as the girl bled all over the place. It was left to the shocked Mauritians to immediately deport the monster before the staged match. We think the model girlfriend is now the abusive guy’s politician wife but that could be a different model girlfriend as the guy has more women than the publican has whisky bottles.

There are many more juicy tales that we could tell the nation. But we have realised that knowledge is money and we will not open our mouths again until we see part of the hefty payment. But meanwhile on behalf of the genuine football fans we hope ZIFA can get this claim dismissed as odious debt incurred as an underhand trick to buy more scandals for the association.

Fish in small ponds
Let it not be said that Bra Gee is a know-it-all. At the usual place we have no qualms with admitting that we have been in the dark when we suddenly find ourselves in the light. Reading the paper this week was a revelation as we got to know that what we had always thought of as a hefty fish in a big pond is actually just a biggish fish in a tiny pond.

We will buy a drink for any other regular who admits that they always thought that our millionaire who got to the top through tenacity, prayer, business acumen and begging was an international player who controlled a multi-national empire.
Not that we think that his empire here at home is anything to sneeze at, but all the same we must say that we will never be able to look at him with quite the same awe.

Just like we will never be able to look at the South African justice system with the same respect after they let Oscar walk, we mean stump, after Reeva’s gruesome death. We are betting the last drink in the bar that he will only be imprisoned for a few months before he gets a discharge on health grounds. The Steenkamps should have accepted the post humus lobola that he offered as they sure are not getting any compensation from the satisfaction that comes from knowing that justice has been done.

Meanwhile it is also educative to note how more progressive nations deal with murderers so that we can also find a way forward out of our dilemma of what to do with murderers. You can let them go with a slap on the stump or you can let the mob deliver instant justice like they did with the Zimbo who allegedly confessed to murdering two women. Why waste time and money through due process?
Just let all the 94 murderers walk, but just be sure to let public know where they are.

Simple solutions
Many regulars have openly expressed their conflicted state of mind at enjoying the pleasures of the usual place while wondering what the spouse is up to at home. In light of exposes on WhatsApp and Facebook any person who is attached to another person by marriage or other means should always worry about what that other person is doing at any hour of the day. That is why regulars have been forced to leave the bar earlier and earlier each day as they try to prevent the spouse from engaging in peccadilloes.

Thank goodness we have now found a solution as proffered by one Frank Nemashakwe from Chitungwiza. Just lock up the pesky spouse in the bedroom and put the only key in your pocket.

That way you are assured that your goods will remain intact until you return, whether or not you wish to partake of the offerings. But please make sure that you convert the bedroom into a self-contained apartment with bathroom and kitchen facilities or you may return to a stinky room occupied by a comatose and filthy spouse.

Age is just a number
Makanaka’s marriage at 15 was too early. But the same cannot be said for Sharon’s at 24 or 25 or whatever to a potently virile Munetsi, especially with the church wedding coming several months after the lobola payment which we are told came after a long period of courtship. But the end result seems to be the same; two unhappy women.

So what is all the fuss about girls not getting married young? Delaying the inevitable only means that you will be regretting at a later stage instead of when you are still pretty enough to move on.

Tell the girls not to get married period, until a new breed of man can be found to satisfy all the requirements on the list of activists.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]