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I have a question for all the lovebirds out there this week building up to Valentine’s Day, whether you’re one of those who celebrate it or not. Be honest: How often do you and your significant other take the time to communicate deeply and emotionally to get to know each other at a deeper level?

So if you are a busy ‘so and so’, with hardly time to watch relationship advice videos or read, you might just be the person I’m talking to this week because I did some research for you and zeroed in on a few experts that had some fun stuff we can all learn from. Here’s the thing, no matter how experienced we might be in relationships and marriage especially,  we can never know enough to just sit back in some complacent state and let the relationship run itself, “Chokwadi unosiiwa mumba umu wakatemba . . . ” as Marshall Munhumumwe  sang in his timeless masterpiece ‘Rudo Imoto’.  There’s always something we might learn from relationship tips and marriage advice to enrich ourselves and our relationships. In this column, I, however, emphasise that there’s no one size fits all, so ultimately couples and individuals should sift through the myriad relationship tips in our modern day, and take what works in your setup. 

This week, whether you acknowledge Valentine’s Day or not, the ‘Valentine buzz’ is definitely around us. It’s hard not to notice the efforts and messaging made by some retailers, hotels, restaurants, and holiday resorts to help couples celebrate their love or revive the flame in some cases. There’s a lot you can do on a low or even zero budget to have fun while strengthening your bond.

If you’ve been with your partner for some years, you might feel like you know everything about them, but to be honest, no matter how long you’ve been together, there’s always room to know them even better or learn something new. That’s where couples quizzes come in — a fun way to learn more about each other, from values, hobbies, dreams, and more – things that can strengthen your bond.

Games and quizzes are among the ways suggested by experts for couples to learn more about each other without it being a boring or annoying interrogation.  Clinical sexologist and co-founder of The Swann Centre, Valerie Poppel, PhD puts it this way: “Games are a fun and non-threatening activity that allow individuals to open up and share their authentic selves.”

“Most people are so busy throughout the hustle of the day that they only talk about logistics and surface-level conversations,” explains clinical sexologist and psychotherapist, Kristie Overstreet, PhD.

 But asking deep questions is essential when it comes to building the intimacy and connection needed to sustain a connection, Overstreet says.

 “Over time, we tend to put our partner in a box and start seeing them in a simplified way,” explains clinical relationship psychotherapist Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder of Bay Area CBT Centre. But people evolve, and it’s important that when they’re partnered up, that partner is excited to get to know every version of them.

Quizzes can help you keep up with changes and development in your partner’s life without snooping or being ïnterview-y.  

“And because we’re always changing, there will always be something new you can learn about your boo. Experts suggest using guided questions in a game format, versus, like, interrogating your partner at dinner. To ease into the game, for instance, it’s a good idea to start with some seemingly simple questions, but that doesn’t mean these are any less important to ask. 

Avid writer Rachel Varina makes a notable observation when she says:  “Chances are your partner’s favourite colour, book, or movie might have evolved since you last asked, so have fun getting to know where they’re at right now and remember—these will probably change again in the future.”

 Let’s face it, it would be wise to always know the seemingly small yet important things such as how your partner likes their eggs or takes their coffee, or if they take coffee at all −  because hello . . . that’s just ‘Romance 101’.

After questions about where you both are currently, the next can be to chat about where you’ve been and where you want to go. Overstreet says it’s important to talk about the past of your relationship and future to see how your viewpoints are evolving. “The way you thought about (life) when you first started dating may have changed,” she explains, which is why these questions are super valuable as you get insight into where they want their life to go and how past actions might still be affecting them today.

Having aligning values and respecting the ones that don’t align, is vital when it comes to forging a connection that lasts. If your partner has a different viewpoint than you, or simply just clams up as you’re going along, Overstreet suggests you take a step back. “Don’t force or manipulate them to answer a question,” she says. “Respect their boundaries.”

Apart from quizzes, here are a few date night ideas that you can fine-tune to suit your situation as a couple or individuals:

Cook a traditional or exotic meal together: You can experiment together, or explore your culinary skills and have fun doing it.

Star gazing under our beautiful African Sky: Lay out a blanket in your garden, or backyard or find a quiet spot away from city lights. Hold hands, gaze at the stars enjoy the constellations, and share dreams. You can also explore nature, such as hiking or visiting a nearby botanical garden.

Create a love playlist: Compile a playlist of your favourite ‘old school’ music or worship songs and share. Music has a powerful way of connecting hearts. Dance together, sing along, and let the lyrics remind you of the beauty of love.

Write love Letters: Yes. In this digital age, handwritten letters are rare gems. Take time to write heartfelt love letters to each other. Share your hopes, dreams, and promises. Exchange these letters during a cozy dinner date

Visit a local church or community event: Whether in a relationship or not, ideally, Valentine’s Day is about love, and what better way to celebrate than by attending a church service or community event if that’s your thing? Connect with fellow believers, pray together, and be part of a larger spiritual family.

If need be, love on a budget can certainly work, believe it or not. Remember celebrating love isn’t really about extravagant gifts or expensive outings, though of course, it’s up to couples how they celebrate. Remember, love is a gift from God. 

It’s so-o not mandatory to spend lavishly; rather, invest in – and enjoy –  moments that strengthen your marriage. May your love story continue to grow and unfold with grace and joy. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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