More money, more problems

If we all stuck to legal images there would be no revenge porn, full stop.

If we all stuck to legal images there would be no revenge porn, full stop.

Bar Talk with Bra Gee

Bad, bad granny

Bra Gee has never pretended to be anything other than an ignoramus with an opinion. Therefore it is not surprising that most conversations at the usual place end up with regulars taking positions diametrically opposed to what the gurus say. Take the case of one 56 year old woman who recently walked away with a 12 month wholly suspended sentence for using “excessive force” on a “man lying helplessly on the ground”.The judge labelled her actions an “insult to the law and disgusting”. Really? This is a woman who fought back when a half-naked man stormed into her bedroom demanding sex.

She tried to run away and the dude came after her. Then she hit him with a log and ran to report and seek help.

The rapist died on the way to hospital due to the injuries that the woman had inflicted. Of course we agree that there was need for a full investigation and trial to establish that the woman really had killed the dude in self defence and was not trying to cover up murder most foul.

But to then say she overreacted? What was she supposed to do? Ask the guy if he wanted tea before or after the rape? After begging him to leave her alone and trying to run away should she have asked him to present her with his buttocks for her to hit with the log so that no serious injury would occur? We would like to read the esteemed judge’s style guide on etiquette when you are threatened with rape and worse.

Especially if he has personal experience examples of how he used minimal force to fend off rapists who entered his bedroom at night. Maybe then we too will become civilised members of society who can understand the niceties of legal justice.

Because in our book an attacked animal including human ones follows the natural instinct to flee or fight. The first option had obviously not worked for this granny. To try and pretend that there are some rules to be observed when one is fighting a violent attacker does not make sense to us.

So if this bad, bad granny ever came to the usual place we would buy her all the single malts she can take and call her a hero.

Because we believe if more women effectively fended off would-be rapists, the activity would soon lose its attraction to perverts and the world would be a happier place.

Wrong universe

Bra Gee and the regulars must be living in the wrong world, one that is different from that which our fellow country occupants are living. If you brought a gun to the usual place and threatened to blow up everyone’s spouse and offspring unless you got $1000 in cash right away, we are sorry to say that we would have let the tears roll down our cheeks and kiss goodbye to our families. Because we doubt that all the regulars in the bar at any given moment could come up with such a sum even if they were to be allowed to go and empty the boots of their Ex-Japs.

Not that we ever put any cash in the boots of our ramshackle vehicles for our wallets are more than adequate to contain our worldly liquid possessions.

Which is why we think we must have stumbled into an alternate universe and we hope some kind reader can tell us how we too can find our way into the universe where people keep thousands of dollars in the boot like a spare tire.

Now we can finally understand how people can afford to run that $1000 plus tab at a bar. You do remember the one from an upmarket bar opened last year which went viral on Facebook a few weeks ago?

Too bad it did not have the name of the client although Bra Gee and the regulars think it could have been a gentleman who is not unassociated with gold mines and the maintenance courts.

We pray the said kind reader will give us the magic charm that will transmogrify us into people who can nonchalantly turn our backs on $30 000 cash and walk into the supermarket. But wait, come to think of it we have prophets claiming that ability.

As soon as our neighbour who has been church hopping for the past five or so years gets his first $10 000 we too will be joining the church.

We all know about the importance of team work for an organisation to reach optimum production levels. But the case of workmates who are terrorised by one woman into paying child support for their colleague is something else.

Woman shouts and cries so much that the poor workmates end up reaching into their pockets to give her money just so that she can go away. Maybe all the women left holding babies by dead beat fathers can take some notes on how to get child support from reluctant dads here.

Legalising porn

We are amused by the petition for parliament to enact a law banning revenge porn. Yes, poor women are finding themselves turned into adult movie stars overnight by cruel men that they once got naked and happy with.

Why, those two dear sisters lost out on the chance to be called the most beautiful women in the country for a year when these same evil men started circulating pictures of the sisters in their birthday suits answering a primeval call of nature.

There was that illegal forex dealer finding precious joy in her own company. Yet it is not all bad. One woman went to a continental competition and landed herself a husband who may or may not have improved the country’s cash flow by bringing in thousands of dollars to pay lobola.

But do the sisters behind the petition know that recording porn is illegal in this country? And possession of porn is illegal.

And sharing it through public communication vehicles is also illegal. Do not read about the state of California outlawing revenge porn and think that you are going to do the same in Zimbabwe.

Porn is legal there so they make laws to suit their situation which is wonderful.

We think if you do not want to be a victim of revenge porn in Zimbabwe the law protecting you is there already. Calling it revenge porn or whatever does not change the fact that it should not be in existence in the first place.

Maybe the sisters should engage their lawyer peers to prosecute all those who have been making, keeping and sharing porn instead of trying to backhandedly change the law. The only victims here are lawbreakers themselves, last time we checked, unless someone says they were secretly filmed which becomes a whole different game altogether.

Last Call: Money one liners

In honour of all those who have thousands and thousands of dead American presidents in their boots, special belts around the waist, under the pillow or wherever it is that you keep money when it will not fit into your wallet anymore, let us talk about cash:

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to shop.

Those who have money don’t know what to buy. Those without money want everything.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and it ‘taint mine.

If money is the root of all evil, then why do they ask for it in church?

If time is money are ATMs time machines?

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money I’d just laugh and search with them.


Till next week, bottoms up!


Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar

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