Zimpapers Logo

Bra Gee
Busy bodies be damned
Back when the teachers were trying to teach Bra Gee something, the class had to read a poem about some mad man who said that he had met a man crying because his wife was dead and another crying because his wife was not.
Such is life; those who have it in abundance cannot wait to get rid of it, While those who have no more of it, will do anything to get it.

Take the story of the Bulawayo man, Nqobile Mlilo who recently made it into the limelight. The fellow decides that he has had enough of the revolving ball that we call the Earth so he wants to get off.

Unless your name is Elijah and the man above sends a fiery chariot to take you upwards, the only way out is down, deep into the very earth that you are trying to escape. So the gentleman tries to off himself. He deprives his family of some much needed pesticide by partaking of livestock dip chemicals.
But some busy bodies rush him to hospital and much against his will the poison is pumped out of him.

Then he sneaks out of hospital and tries an amateur version of hara-kiri by slashing his stomach and throat. Death taking too long to come to him through bleeding, he tries to drown his sorrow together with his body in a septic tank, but them do good brigade jump in and pull him out. As our dear sister paper The Chronicle announced in a bold page 1 headline this fellow was “Third time unlucky”.

What is wrong with nosy parkers who will not let a person die when they wish? Do they want a suicide bomber storming the house before they get the message that when a person’s got to die, then he has got to die? If he survives the sewage contaminating his knife wounds maybe this time he will go and lie on the railway line just before the night train sets off. Maybe with the erratic schedule of the NRZ he might actually die of ennui before the train comes along.

But to get back to the original point, contrast this gentleman’s apparent resistance to death with the case of those scores who went to TB Joshua’s shrine to seek life at the wrong time.

Turnaround, turn back or just sheer befuddlement
Would someone please explain the puzzle that is the City of Harare. First of all who is in charge of the city affairs? Is it the overage horse chief who allegedly had to fiddle with the records in order to pretend that he is still qualifies to head the city? (Speaking of which, what happened to that employment contract based on the digitally altered date of birth, which clashes with the official records?) Or is it the councillors whose favourite expression seems to be that they have no idea what is going on beyond getting their allowances?

Because it looks like no one is in charge and the city affairs are being run by a group of blind mice groping along in a fog of well-remunerated befuddlement. First of all they say there are too many people and they lay off some unfortunates who do not include the people whose salaries really make a dent in the budget. Since they do not have the money they must borrow to fund this retrenchment. Then now they are rehiring those same retrenched people on contract!

Sounds like a drunk walking into the pub holding a dollar note and asking for an expensive whiskey. When the barman says the money is not enough the drunk goes to a vendor and changes his dollar note into a heap of coins.

He returns with it to the bar and now expects it to buy that same whiskey. The question of the week is rhetoric: Would these people who are supposed to bring the sunshine into our lives be able to find their back nether regions if you gave them a mirror, a stick and a string?

Revisiting lobola
The question of what rights the payment of bride price confers on a man returns to the table again this week. Is the end in sight for this custom as it seems to be causing more trouble than it is worth?

We are talking about the man who refused to take a sore back as enough excuse for his wife to deny him his conjugal pleasure.

“I am being sexually abused by this man everyday and I am now suffering from back pains. He claims that he bought me, therefore he has the rights to be intimate with me any time that he deems necessary,” the woman who was seeking relief from unabated attacks by hubby told the magistrate.

Many regulars will agree that the man’s position seems reasonable:
The gentleman said, “I always ask for my conjugal rights because I am a married man, therefore I can’t be seen sleeping around with prostitutes when I have a wife at home.”

Obviously, if all married men swore off sleeping with prostitutes, then those good ladies might as well find a new profession, but that is neither here nor there for this discussion. Here is a man who married a woman because he wanted to satisfy his needs at home. But it looks like his needs are beyond what the woman thought she was signing up for. The poor woman is so overwhelmed that she becomes unwell. Bra Gee is beginning to understand why Gumbura’s wives did not seem to have a problem with polygamy and were always ready to welcome additions to the harem.

But back to the lobola thorn, what is a man to do? Go back to his in-laws and demand back part of his lobola because they sold him damaged goods? Not that we are after putting ideas in people’s minds, but are we soon going to be reading of in-laws being taken to court for lobola refunds because their daughters’ blood is not hot enough? On the flip side of course the in-laws can always argue that the contract was understood to be only for so many times a week not every flipping hour of the day!

Very soon are we going to see a new trend of prenuptial agreements stating how much, when and how marital dues can be demanded? Will the women’s movement come up with a blue print of when lobola should be refunded?

Till next week, bottoms up!

• Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]