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Although emotions may be well-meaning in expressing frustrations, despondency and hopelessness, they sometimes cloud the articulation of grievances, leading to unnecessary heckling and more frustrations

Blessing Musariri Shelling The Nuts

It’s difficult to talk to an emotional person. Firstly, they have to clam down and then that puts them in a place where both of you can assess each other’s words without anger or frustration getting in the way. More importantly, you can both hear what the other is saying. 

In my early teens I soon learnt which way leads to success and which leads to failure when it came to getting what I wanted from my parents. I learnt that wherever possible I should avoid asking for permission. Instead I should state my intentions. Asking for permission almost always resulted in a negative response whereas statements, for some reason, left a lot of room for negotiation. For example, “Mama and Baba, please may I attend the school play tomorrow evening?”

The answer would be a variation of no. Now in contrast, “Mama and Baba, tomorrow I will be finishing late because there’s a school play.” Very often there would be no inquisition and the conversation would automatically enter the discussion stage; is there someone available to take you or no? Usually a plan would then be made.

If at all feasible, this would mean you would most likely get to go. The thing I loved about my parents was that they were often too busy to attend meetings and things of that nature at my school therefore, when it came to compulsory activities and non-compulsory activities I could make my own mind up about what they needed to know. I loved this independence that I had and I abused it to the fullest extent. I always thought myself extremely clever until one day I heard my mother mutter under her breath, “My God this child lies so much!” But, the only way she could prove it was to call the school and I knew she wouldn’t do that. I suppose it was enough for her that she could tell when I was lying and when I wasn’t, and she left it alone and I tucked away my knowledge of what she knew and conveniently forgot it.

The approach that never worked with my parents was the emotional one. They would completely lose their patience at the sight of tears and worse still, it was infinitely harder to plead your case when they could hardly hear a word you were trying to say through the hiccups and the sobs. I almost imagine that I got more respect for the ingenuity of a good cover story than for turning on the waterworks. I understand that now.

It’s difficult to talk to an emotional person. Firstly, they have to clam down and then that puts them in a place where both of you can assess each other’s words without anger or frustration getting in the way. More importantly, you can both hear what the other is saying. When there is anger, people tend to talk over each other and when there is frustration or upset, then the other person is too busy feeling to listen and think.

I listened to a rather explosive recording of a radio programme that aired in the recent past. Of course I’m always the last to know about anything, so I am very late to the party, but I will still add my two cents.

The two guests on the show were different in approach to the discussion and naturally presented differently. I could almost picture them from their attitudes and vocal action alone. One speaker came across as calm, somewhat callous and condescending in his rationality. I shall call him Speaker Two and the other loud, disorderly and overwrought, Speaker One.

Now, emotions are all very well, we all feel them and I dare say, a good majority of us are feeling the same frustrations that were being expressed by the impassioned Speaker One. The trouble was that the anger and frustration took over and instead of the clear and insistent articulation of grievances, most of the show took on the complexion of a rowdy fight, where there was a lot of shouting, with the moderator trying to be heard above it and regain control of the programme so there could be something gained from it.

Speaker Two was calm and took advantage of his composure to rile the other speaker, who leapt to the bait each time and became aggressive and thus less effective in articulating his cause. I immediately thought of the quote, “Whoever makes me angry controls me.”

This was such a shame, as I would have liked to hear a cogent and unassailable response to what I saw as a depressing lack of care from Speaker Two, about the real issues that were being raised. Issues that are affecting us in very real ways and that should not continue to go unaddressed. I understand the emotions. They can be difficult to control when there is a matter that is very close to the heart.

That Speaker One still feels such a strength of passion and still has such energy to express it is a testament to his will. I know that like many other people out there I have reached such levels of frustration that I simply can no longer deal. I get angry for a few minutes then I let it go because I no longer have the energy in the face of nothing changing for the better. Like everyone else, I find a way around the despair and keep going. I do what needs doing and wait for the next blow, hoping that this one won’t be the one that knocks us all down for good.

Speaker Two repeatedly said something along the lines of, “ these issues you are raising, these are not new.” These issues are not new. You are not telling us something we don’t already know. Nothing we have not heard many times before.

It is precisely at this point that Speaker One, had he been in charge of his emotions, should have asked the question, and insisted upon an answer that would satisfy everyone who wanted to hear, “If these issues are not new, what is being done to address them?” I think the question was asked at one point, but really there was so much verbal Valhalla taking place, the effect of which was to create an aural jumble and take away from the gravity of the “debate”.

I thought, this is a person going to the doctor with a pain the doctor has failed to cure and upon return and further return is met with growing indifference and a hint of annoyance.

What is causing the pain doctor? Do you know? What can be done to make it stop? If you don’t know then who should I see who might know? Where can I possibly go?

“I know you are in pain,” the doctor might say, “You have told me this before, this complaint is not new.”

You are not his only patient, you are not his problem to take home. You with your pain that he cannot stop, the root of which he is unable to grasp.

Perhaps he’ll give you something to lessen the pain and maybe it will work for a while and most likely it won’t work at all. Chances are, he knows there is nothing he is equipped to do and is hoping against hope that you’ve come to tell him something new.