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Sometimes it can be construed as snubbing when a partner fails to respond in a similarly effusive and enthused fashion to the outpouring of love on social media from a better half

Delta Milayo Ndou DigitalDialogue—

There is no disputing that in the digital age, one source of friction in relationships is the absence of or excesses in digital public displays of affection (PDA) with tensions often arising from a reluctance by one partner to publicly (and proudly) disclose or display their significant other online or a tendency by one partner to over-share. Actions that may seem trivial, like what WhatsApp profile picture one chooses to use, is open to varied interpretations in the context of intimate relationships if one has never displayed the picture of their spouse or partner.

It is regarded as suspicious when a married person neglects to update their Facebook relationship status to properly acknowledge the existence of their spouse, with sinister motives being ascribed for making this grievous omission.

Oftentimes the counterargument is that social media is not such a big deal so no one should throw a tantrum over not being acknowledged as a “significant other” on online platforms because after all, those platforms are not even part of “real life”. Yet there is no discounting that we spend more and more of our lives online, therefore the things we choose to disclose or withhold are afforded greater consideration particularly by those who feel their proximity to us entitles them to prominence in our online interactions. At what point does discretion become akin to concealment?

If one never shares a single picture of their significant other is it out of discretion or a desire to conceal their existence for whatever reason? A friend once remarked on how men (mostly) will flood social media with images of their children proudly displayed and paraded for all the world to see — but never a picture of the mother of the kids as if to imply that he singlehandedly brought these little beings into the world by himself.

It made me wonder on whether or not it was necessary or mandatory for people to share who they are in a relationship with, especially since such disclosures often meet with disapproval from others who may view it as “showing off”.

Digital PDA as deterrence to cheating

Among the many reservations around digital public displays of affection (PDA) are concerns that people who like to show affection to their partners on social media are just showing off and sometimes their effusive declarations of love (with the appropriate emoticons) make others feel uncomfortable.

Social media is a public space and the assumption is digital PDA are as inappropriate as making out in a public area. Rarely are digital PDA considered to be mere romantic and heartwarming gestures because there’s often a fear that the relationship might fail and the lovebirds could find themselves subjected to ridicule and shame. Some people view disclosing who one is in a relationship with as an extension of transparency in a relationship in the sense that “it must be known” that so and so is with so and so to deter cheating.

In a Twitter discussion, one user mocked this logic arguing that if a man can hit on other women wearing his wedding band, surely having him post his wife’s picture as a WhatsApp profile picture would do little to dissuade him from chatting up other women.

The fact of the matter is people associate digital PDA with being acknowledged to “the world” as opposed to being concealed like one is a dirty shameful secret that must never be revealed.

Some couples are more comfortable not mentioning each other on social media precisely because it is so “public” and they prefer discretion but more often than not — there is usually one partner who is more expressive and prone to splashing their significant other all over social media with mushy, cringe-inducing and syrupy-sweet messages.

If one has an overly expressive partner (usually it’s the woman) they then feel pressure to reciprocate because surely, one cannot ignore a publicly expressed message of affection when the “public” is bearing witness — and a mere Facebook ‘like’ will not suffice, he really has to gird his loins, dig deep and find his inner Shakespeare. In my social media circles, I have seen women pour their hearts out and fervently display affection in the most heartwarming and envy-inducing ways while their significant others preoccupy themselves with posting about the latest Tottenham/Arsenal/Liverpool match results.

Sometimes it can be seen as a snub when a partner does not respond in a similarly effusive and enthused fashion to the outpouring of love. People often squirm when asked why they never have their spouse or partner on their social media profiles and asked whether they are ashamed to disclose?

What is in a social media status?

Apart from the digital PDA, there is also the “small” matter of disclosing relationship problems explicitly or implicitly through cryptic or direct social media statuses. Of course sometimes the status is just a status, an idle and random musing on some matter of the heart that is unrelated to one’s own relationship issues. But there are times, particularly with WhatsApp statuses where one can discern that there is an individual to whom the barbs are being directed.

I have heard of couples fighting over a social media or WhatsApp status because the other will have interpreted it as either an attack or an admission that there is someone else in the picture. It is often easy for people to unintentionally hurt one another because social media is still viewed by some as being “not a big deal” so they put little thought into how they interact with other users, into what they disclose and how they portray themselves.

Does a spouse have any right to concern themselves with what their partner is commenting on online, for instance whether or not their husband is admiring the ample behind of another woman or their wife is littering the timeline with heart emoticons in response to posts by other men? If social media was a trivial matter, I suppose a lot of the tension that declining to disclose one’s relationship status would be avoided and a lot of conflict deriving from weaponised statuses would be prevented.

If people love each other, and are comfortable with celebrating that love openly in the form of digital PDA, I for one, fully support them but oftentimes we make it seem as though doing so is an invitation for karma to intervene and spoil it. Some couples prefer to avoid the drama of arguing over social media issues by simply not being on each other’s platforms — they don’t befriend each other on Facebook, won’t follow each other on Twitter, Instagram or Snapchat and will not link up on LinkedIn.

So each one of them is spared the burden of trying to strike a balance between discretion and the “appropriate” levels of digital PDA.

Delta is Head of Digital for Zimpapers.