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people (bride and groom) openly declare their love for each other in front of their families and friends, a time to bring families and friends together to celebrate their union. This is the time when the two make their vows in front of people asserting their love. But some weddings have brought so much pain to family, friends and the groom.
A wedding I attended sometime in the late 70s became the talk of the town as the groom never featured.

People had gathered in church, the church choir sang songs to prepare for the wedding, the bride was waiting for the groom in the car with her family and her father who was to give her away. The priest and the congregation were getting restless as they waited for the groom.
Meetings started taking place outside the church as friends and relatives tried to establish where the groom could be. They went to his home and he was not there. The parents like everyone else in the congregation thought he would be at the wedding. He had left the house with his brothers for the wedding. When they got to the church he said he had forgotten something at home. He drove back home and did not come back to church.

The grape vine had it that he was at a local beer hall drinking himself to death. His brothers and brothers in-law went to collect him. His brothers tried to understand why he had decided to be at a beer hall and not the wedding. The brothers asked him what he thought he was doing and he said he did not feel like wedding.
The elder brother reminded him that white weddings were a family tradition and he should respect that. He told his brother to go and wed with his bride and get himself a second wife. The brother was surprised with this kind of behaviour and tried to take him home so that he could sober up but he refused.

His brothers in-law were not amused by how he had let down their sister and they nearly beat him up but were restrained by people. The brothers tired to reason with him but they were not successful. He was usually a very quiet person but that day because of beer he was brave to say whatever he wanted to say. He had indicated that he was not ready for a white wedding at some point but ended up succumbing to the wishes of the family and when the day came he just had to come up with a plan not to be part of the ceremony – he got himself drunk!
Word got to the bride that his man was having a meeting at a local bar with his brothers and brothers in-law. She insisted to go there and confront him.

They drove to the bar and when her husband to-be saw her, he said, “It’s good my love that you are here, we can have our wedding right here – muno mubhawa muMarengenya, (here in Marengenya beer hall).”
The bride could not believe it, as she had never seen her man this drunk. She decided to cancel the wedding and went home, leaving people at church more confused. The wedding had to be called off.

Some people who lived in her area started making jokes about the wedding and those who were insensitive started laughing at her and saying, “Wakachatiswa nedhongi.” (You wedded a donkey).
She became very uncomfortable in her neighbourhood and decided to go to the UK where her elder sister lived. To everyone’s surprise the man followed and they got together again.
But if they were in love why then did the wedding fail to take place?

The groom felt the wedding was not his but for his family. He had indicated that he was not ready for a wedding and would like to take his time, but the brothers would not have it. The lobola had been paid and his family could not understand why he wanted to wait.
Lobola was paid for him, the wedding was organised for him, he just felt that this was not his wedding and on the day of the wedding he could not lie anymore. He ran away and got himself drunk!

How then did the bride forgive him? The mother of the bride according to some relatives and friends was also “pushing” her since her mother had always wanted to have a white wedding but could not and her husband left her for another woman.
This was the perfect time for her mother to fulfill her dreams through her daughter. It was a blessing that her daughter had married into a family which had a tradition of white weddings. Although the daughter was for the idea, she was doing it mainly for the mother.

While family traditions have to be observed it is also important to take each other’s feelings seriously and give each other time to digest and think things through. It is also important to explain why a certain tradition is important in the family and persuade those who do not understand to buy into it.
The other reason that the runaway groom cited as to why he did not want a white wedding was that some of his brothers’ marriages were not working despite having had a white wedding.

This means the brothers fell in love with the idea of a white wedding and not the women they married. It was more of a show and he did not want to be part of such a marriage. He wanted to be sure of what he was doing.
A wedding is a lifetime commitment and people have to take it seriously.
When discussing issues to do with weddings, family and friends should make sure that everyone is happy and is on board. If someone is not happy especially from one of the two people whom the wedding is for, the plans should be put on hold.

There are certain dreams that parents can live through their children, but a wedding or marriage might not be one of those. Bulldozing the two into doing what you want as parents can have dire outcomes, to the bride and the groom and the rest of the family and friends.
Recently I witnessed a very chaotic ‘wedding’ which did not take place because of poor planning and not taking everyone on board from the beginning. In families there are people who want things their way and sometimes it is difficult to convince them to see sense. As you discuss with them you can see that their mind is already made up despite what you might have to say and there is nothing that you can do.

The wedding was organised in weeks, but unfortunately the wedding did not take place which ended up dividing the two families, confusing the two – the bride and groom.
A wedding is supposed to be a joyous occasion but if not handled well it can bring so much pain to everyone involved, and relations might never be mended and even take a long time to rectify. The confusion does not only occur between the two families but also between the bride and her family, the groom and his family. This can be avoided if everyone in the two families is taken on board from the beginning and be free to articulate their views and fears as well.

It is amazing how some of these people who want things their way in families end up turning up to those they did not want to listen to for a number of things.
Although they do it indirectly, a member of family feels compelled to chip in and try to clean the chaotic situation, financially or otherwise. Those who have been caught up in these situations where

there is a bully have tried to be civilised and be part of the chaos which is a very big mistake.
It is important to be honest with each other in situations like this because no matter how much money and time you can put in a chaotic venture the result will also bring disorder resulting in very bad energies.

It is not money that organises a good wedding, it is coming together as a family and discussing issues. It could be a wedding in the park, or in your garden, if properly organised with all the stake holders it becomes a good wedding that people will never forget for a long time.
Here are some of the steps taken by those who have had successful weddings:

The wedding should be announced while all members of the two families are present.
Some families take advantage of the day lobola is discussed. While all members of the family are present, the munyai or dombo (the go-between) will announce that the two would like to have a wedding and the date is agreed and set by all present.

Committees are set by families and friends to see to it that the wedding becomes a success.
A preparation of a good wedding usually takes a year. One of my sisters is getting married sometime in September. We have had time to prepare for our attires and all that which makes a wedding exciting.
One of my friends’ daughter is also getting married in December and the wedding preparations started sometime last year in April and the wedding date was announced to everyone in January. These kinds of weddings give people time to prepare and everyone will be happy.

When some fall pregnant before the wedding they want to fast track it, apparently wanting to hide the ‘shame’. This becomes so strenuous and end up putting a serious strain on the mother, the unborn child, the groom and family relations. It is not worth it.
A wedding should not be a cover up for anything or to prove anything rather it should be a celebration which brings the bride and the groom, the family and friends together and be merry. This can only happen if wedding plans are handled with care and a lot of consideration.

• Joyce Jenje-Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: [email protected]