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Dr Masimba Mavaza

In the advent of COS which has seen multitudes of Zimbabweans flocking into the United Kingdom for care work and other jobs, step-children now bore the brunt of the social change.

With one of the parents in the UK, the step children now suffer neglect as their married parents are forced by their partners to ignore the children.

Families now fight over the children left behind in Zimbabwe, as step-parents sometimes no longer want money to be sent to these children.

Battle lines are drawn as step-parents refuse to release funds for fees or for food.

Some would make new laws such as that the child should receive new clothes only on Christmas.

A step-parent comes into a child’s life initially as someone desiring to grow into a caring adult figure for the child.  But some attempt to push their way into a step-parenting role that the kids weren’t ready for.

The bond which took some time to develop and did so naturally and gradually is being broken by the separation caused by this migration to the UK.

Children are intuitive in realizing when someone is inauthentic or disingenuous with them. It is possible to establish a close connection with step-children, albeit you’ll need to understand that it won’t be quite the same as their parents’ bond.

Step-parenting is like being a parent, and yet there is no sort of clear-cut authority to discipline or issue directives to determine that authority.

Despite the feelings you might develop for the child, there is ultimately a thought to the fact that they don’t technically belong to you.

This thought rings in feelings of bitterness and hurt. It then manifests into full blown dislike, resulting in even withholding any support which might be coming from the real parent.

Some of untold evils against the step-children are done while one is not even aware that they are doing it. There is no step-parenting guide to show how to avoid offending the child’s other parent or ensure that you don’t overstep your boundaries.

There are many reasons you might not like your step-children including that they may disrespect you, they may accept no responsibility, which increases your workload, their mom may have made your life miserable and they are mini replicas of her and they may be extremely needy/manipulative.

Their behaviour may be extreme and involving drug addiction, stealing and/or running away from home and they can make false claims which could land you in prison (or warrant a visit from social service if you are with them in England).

The biological bond enables parents to love, forgive and accept their children – even in the worst scenarios. Most step-parents are not capable of that, so they find themselves struggling with the fact that they do not really like their step-children.

The truth is, you certainly can not be expected to love or even like a child just because you love the father. That is an unrealistic expectation and it will set you up for failure.

Many Zimbabwean step-parents find being in England as an opportunity to escape from the step-children.

So, when they see the father or the mother keeping the bond alive they become angry and seriously loathe the children. Some of the children bring back memories of how they were cheated by their spouses.

Another reason step-parenting can be harder is that step-children come into the mix at a variety of ages. Their ages can influence how quickly you can build a relationship with them. Children under 10 are often quickest to accept a step-parent, while children ages 10 to 14 may have the most difficult time.

These challenges include relationships between family members, unrealistic expectations, and cultural myths.

Step-families often have a difficult time defining the role of the step-parent. It is challenging to figure out how the step-parent should interact with the step-children.

If your child stays with a step-parent and about to go to the United Kingdom, can you imagine how your child will be looked after when you are left thousands of miles away?

Do we still have that parental love? You may assume that your ex-lover will welcome your love and attention, especially if the children have been through a rough passage.

But it is not always that easy. Step-parenting is often harder than parenting, for several reasons.

Parenting comes with challenges, but parenting step-children brings another set of struggles. When you walk into an already established family and attempt to blend in with push-back from the children who are also trying to adapt, it’s tough to figure out how to do everything right.

While the path needs to be slow and gradual, there will be roadblocks, resistance from the children and step-parent rights and wrongs. Step-parents overstepping boundaries won’t be well received.

Step-parents’ responsibilities are to follow the rules of step-parenting, which includes things a step-parent should never do to stir up problems in the family.

John Matondo migrated to the United Kingdom leaving his two kids with their mother, his ex. He was shocked when he was told by his current wife that there will be no money to be sent back to his children in Zimbabwe.

He tried to explain that the children needed school fees, but the wife became aggressive and threatened to cancel his visa if he dares to send some funds to his children left in Zimbabwe.

Macdonald Smart tells a sad story of being kicked out of the house because he was sending money to his children left in Zimbabwe.

A step-parent comes into a child’s life initially as someone desiring to grow into a caring adult figure for the child. Some attempt to push their way into a step-parenting role that the children were not ready for and some act more in a friendly capacity.

The bond will need some time to develop and do so naturally and gradually. Children are intuitive in realizing when someone is inauthentic or disingenuous with them.

“The truth is that parenting isn’t easy in any situation, but the role of a step-parent has additional challenges,” noted Matondo from Luton.

“As step-parents, my wife Vimbai and I have certainly experienced this. When we got married seven years ago,Vimbai had two girls of her own and I had three girls and a boy. Since then, we have learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way. When we came to the UK my children were left behind.

“Now, each time I send money to them we will have a fight with Vimbai. She accuses me of being extravagant. She demands that my ex-wife should work and pay for my children. At the same time there is no complaint about her children with us.

Mugari from Leicester said: “Having realistic expectations about your family life is crucial. Accept from the start that some scenarios may be rare – if they happen at all! Inevitably there will be difficulties, perhaps to do with accepting the loss of the old family unit, or with accepting new family members.

“Sometimes your kids or your partner’s kids may kick back at you. But it is the two adults who must be adults. You and your wife have to grow up. Acknowledge that sometimes you’ll get it wrong, but know, too, that this doesn’t make you the worst parent in the world – everybody makes mistakes at times. But never ever give in to your partners outbursts. Do all you can do to look after your family.”

Pastor Denias Chihwai of the Seventh Day Adventist said: “When you criticise your child’s other parent, you force them to choose between the two of you. If you make it clear how much you dislike their mum, then you make it disloyal for them to like her. If you tell them their father is an idiot, then you make them an idiot for loving him. It puts pressure on kids that they should never have to handle.”

Lean Chachoka from London commented: “And kids aren’t stupid – they are experts at reading us, they’ve been studying us since they were born – so be real. Don’t just say the right things. Get your attitude towards your ex sorted then kids will not be affected by migration.

“When you’re a step-parent, as well as having children with someone else’s genes, you may have some with your own. This cannot change how you treat them. All your kids need to feel loved by you and they all need to know their boundaries.

“Some step-children, however, may need you to be their dad or mum in a different way. In many families for example, some children may need you to be their dad. But the needs they have from their biological mum are different. If that sounds complicated, it’s because it is!

“Some  kids see their real dad only once or maybe twice a year. So they need you to be a dad to them because there’s a big hole in their life without you. Once you migrate far from them you still need to keep constant touch with them so that they will not need or want another. So one partner has had to learn what they do need from her, while still being able to lead your family with another partner and have authority in the home.”

Another Seventh Day Adventist Nhlanhla Mahlangu said: “Supporting your children from afar is a minefield, but minefields, with time and patience and preferably a sniffer dog, can be crossed. Sometimes things go wrong, there’s an explosion and it’s painful, but you get up again. You move forward and eventually you do get to the other side. Never vent your anger on step children you are all they have.

“Watch your partner’s back. Don’t undermine them. Kids can be masters at playing parents off against each other, and that’s even easier when they can pull the “she’s not my mum” card, but they won’t do it if you don’t play along.”

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