Zimpapers Logo

Laina Makuzha Love by Design

This week I had intended to share insights on how to be a high value individual that someone will identify as a potential life partner. However, I couldn’t resist showing some love for Mother’s Day which is tomorrow, because it presents a beautiful opportunity to share love with mothers, in small and big ways according to our abilities or choices.

Mother’s Day, celebrated on the second Sunday in May, was first instituted by the then American President Woodrow Wilson in 1914, when he signed a proclamation designating it as a national holiday to honour mothers. And as we join other nations in honouring mothers, I  find it’s a gentle reminder to find ways to appreciate and build better relationships with all mother figures in our lives, especially mothers and mothers-in-law where the relationship sometimes faces deep challenges.

Truth be told, there are no hard and fast rules on how to have a relationship with your mother-in-law. You might hit it off right from the beginning, or you may find that you never really have a breakthrough or the relationship continues to be a “work in progress”.  That’s okay. You may not have that “attached-at-the-hip” type of relationship, but there’s always room to love and bond with your mother-in-law and make your relationship stronger. After all you do have a mutual special person — your partner, her son or daughter — whom you both love to the moon and back.

For some couples combining families after marriage can be challenging. You have additional parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents that you then have to get to know and create relationships with.

One of the more challenging relationships for married couples, is between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

So this Mother’s Day, how can you make your relationship better, stronger, more cordial with mothers on both sides?

Loving and getting along well with your spouse’s family can be a major blessing in the long run. Even if you got off on the wrong foot, there’s always something you can do to improve your relationship with her, and I know some daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law may have a long list of ‘wrongs’ against each other, but please hear me out on this: It is possible to put differences aside for the sake of the common person between you that you both love.

Tips for the daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law:

Be understanding. Sometimes it can be hard for mothers to let go of their son and watch them get married and have another woman in their life. It’s an adjustment for everyone. Try to be understanding and put yourself in her shoes. Think about how certain situations may make her feel, and how it would make you feel if you were in her position.

Be inclusive. It’s important to remember to include her in your lives, especially if your spouse has a great relationship with her. Include her in family activities, holidays, outings and anything else you can find the time to include her in. Even something as small as going Christmas shopping can brighten her day. Don’t let her feel excluded from your lives.

Be polite. Whether you like your mother-in-law or not, you need to be polite when you’re around her. Get to know her. Taking the time to get to know each other can be helpful in creating a great relationship with her. Ask her about her job, hobbies or passions. Ask her about her childhood or even about your spouse’s childhood. There has to be something the two of you have in common that you can bond over. Also, take the time to understand what makes her tick: what makes her do some of the things that she does or acts certain ways in situations. Chances are there’s an underlying reason for these things, and understanding each other better can help foster a great relationship.

Spend time with her. One-on-one time together is great. It allows the two of you to bond without any distractions. Get together for coffee or try out one of her favourite hobbies. Be willing to think outside the box and try something new.

Don’t compete with her. You both will have your own strengths and weaknesses. There’s nothing wrong with that, so don’t waste your time trying to outdo her. It’s not worth it to spend time stressing over the fact that she’s better than you at something. Rather than trying to be better than her, seek to learn from her.

Give her space. Give her some one-on-one time with your spouse. I know the tendency might be to not want to share your spouse’s attention with another person, but this is important. Your husband, or wife, is someone else’s child, before you came into their life, there was an existing relationship with parents. A mother is so central in most upbringings — it’s only natural that she will needs time with her adult son or daughter to catch up, especially if you normally live far from her.

Communicate your feelings. Just like in your marriage, communication is crucial. If there’s an issue, it’s important to be open and honest about it. She’s not going to know that something is bothering you if you don’t bring it to her attention. Of course, this needs to be done in the nicest way possible. Pull her aside, sit down and have an open and honest conversation about what’s on your mind and together try devise a plan to fix the issue and move forward.  Say something along the lines of “I feel —– when you ——”. This might work much better than waiting until she’s pushed your every button and you end up snapping.

It’s also important to bring the issue to your husband’s attention. He too needs to know what’s going on and how you’re feeling. Don’t expect him to take sides, though. If possible, allow him to stay as neutral as possible. Of course you and your husband are a team, but it can be tough for your spouse to be stuck in the middle of his wife and his mother. Simply express your concerns and see if he has any advice for fixing the issue.

No matter what type of relationship you have with your mother-in-law, know that you both have one very important thing in common,possibly for life. So for mother’s day for instance,  try arranging to cook or bake together with mom, or having a special spa day together or a spa gift voucher just for her, visit her or invite her to your home, bring her cake, flowers or something she really enjoys or needs. Whatever you choose to do I hope it further strengthens your bond with your mom or mom-in-law as well as any mother figure in your life. Appreciate them, love and honour them. You will be grateful for how this can bring more joy and peace in your marriage and relationships. You are welcome to share your experiences, even share your special Mother’s Day pictures.

Feedback +263719102572

Email:[email protected]

Twitter:@Ledisoul