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The other day, as I stepped into an elevator, a middle-aged gentleman greeted me and then proceeded to make the following remark “Why do you have such clear skin?”
I was taken aback as I was not sure whether this was a compliment or a discussion point. One thing I knew for sure is that such a remark made me feel uncomfortable and in my books surely that was not a good way to pay a compliment. He probably meant well but it did not come out right. I realised that there are so many people both men and women who do not know how to pay compliments.
Paying someone a compliment can be a very natural practice for some people who can give compliments to people of all walks of life. On the other hand, for some people it is something that has to be learned and worked at in order to achieve the intended results.
A simple compliment can really go a long way in building a personal relationship with someone you love, or are acquainted with. Paying a compliment correctly can also help mending or creating a better relationship with someone you are not too keen on. Compliments are meant to make a person feel better about them.
Some people, on the other hand, are too aloof and find it difficult to say something nice to any person. What they do not realise is that there are many benefits in complimenting a person. It may be awkward to pay a compliment to a person but if it is done frequently, it can become a good habit. It has also been noted that paying compliments to your superiors or anyone that you esteem highly can earn you some points when the crunch time comes.
However, when you pay your boss a compliment it has to be done in a very tactful manner or else it will be misconstrued that you are trying to get extra credit where you do not deserve it or that you are just trying to be a sluice!
Compliments are a simple, yet powerful, relationship building tool. There are many different reasons to give a compliment. The most compelling is that it makes you feel good. It is impossible to give a sincere compliment without feeling great.
When you give a compliment, you are connecting honestly, directly, and kindly with another human being. It is a basic need that does not get met often in our fast-paced, media-hyped, negative-slanted, technical world.
There are also many hidden benefits to giving compliments. It is amazing that such a small, simple skill like giving compliments can change the way you view yourself and the world around you. It will strengthen your relationships, boost your self-esteem, and increase your self-confidence. You will experience joy and happiness as you learn to give selflessly. The art of paying compliments is a skill, so you need to make an effort to master it. Here are some tips to help you master this skill:
Pay attention to details
Whenever you meet someone new, you subconsciously notice, whether good or bad, the traits, details and characteristics of the person. This is what builds your first impression of the person you just met. If you are not used to paying compliments, the reason behind this will probably be that you do not notice the good things about the person.
To start accustoming yourself to paying compliments, make sure to pay attention to detail and record it in your mind. If you meet a new person, notice only the positive characteristics of the person. This will provide you with options for compliments. If you do this often you will find that your thought processes shift from looking for the worst in people to looking for the best.
Remember that compliments are all about the other person. Focus on them, not how you think of them.
For example, say, “You look fabulous in that sweater!” rather than “I like how that sweater looks on you.”
You see the possibilities, not the obstacles. Compliment giving is a jump-start for looking at the world in a positive, refreshing, stimulating and creative way.
Make a simple start
A good compliment need not be profound or complex. It can be as simple as saying how much you love the person’s shoes. Complimenting a person’s pair of shoes will increase his self-esteem in terms of style and fashion.
If you want a more intricate compliment, you can compliment a person’s work. If he is a journalist or author, compliment the articles or books he has published. Ask him pertinent and probing questions about his published work. This will even lead to an in-depth discussion where you can form a bond.
When a man is complimenting a woman on her appearance, he should keep it very subtle. You can mention that she is wearing a nice dress, but never mention body parts, weight or skin conditions, for obvious reasons.
Have a sincere tone
State your compliment with a tone of sincerity. This can be done by emphasising the statement rather than rushing through it. Also, if you use a person’s name in your compliment it brings a tone of sincerity. For example, “Jane, I really love the way you are always smiling in the morning, it helps to lift my spirits up”.
Make eye contact
Look the person in the eyes when you pay them the compliment. This will reinforce your sincerity. Eye contact is very important in human interaction. Looking away may distract from your words or raise doubt in reference to your sincerity.
The five-time rule
We need to know that paying compliments is good for us. Action must be taken for this to translate into the truth. You need to begin to pay compliments to others on a regular basis, at least five times a day. Please pay compliments to five different people not to the same person five times. Giving too many compliments to the same person can be taken as if you are just being frivolous and insincere.
Make compliment giving a habit. Five heartfelt, honest to goodness, acts of kindness. It costs nothing but a little time, energy, and the desire to make your life and the lives of others better. Compliments are defined as gracious words, given freely, which create happiness for both the giver and the receiver. They are based on the universal truth – everyone appreciates kindness.
Do not expect a return
Understand that giving a compliment does not mean that you should expect one in return. A sincere compliment is meant to be giving simply for the uplifting of the other person and not as a means to receive one yourself.
Keep compliments professional
When in a work setting, you should limit your compliments to work-related achievements, since that is people’s main function in the office. When complimenting your boss, it is better to do it as an aside rather than directly.
While he or she is discussing a company matter to you, slip it in.
“By the way, thanks for that e-mail about company policy. It really helped me out.”
To be truly tactical, a good way to compliment your boss is to learn about his or her interests. Few people expect others to enjoy their own tastes. Doing so can be very flattering.
So as we start a new week remind yourself to give five compliments a day and you will see how your outlook on people will change! Bear in mind that how you act or react reflects your brand. Next time we will see how to accept a compliment.
l Christine Nyirenda-Chimuka is an internationally qualified and accredited Image Consultant and Communications Professional running Milestone Communications and can be contacted on [email protected]