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A man wrote and said he married his wife thinking she was a virgin, only to discover that she had a child.
Up to now he does not know how she could have become a virgin.
The woman had a child while she was young, in the 70’s.

The husband said he was shocked when a young man knocked on their door and introduced himself as coming from abroad and looking for his mother and had her photo.
His wife could not control herself but cried, she said she thought she would never see him (the child) again because when the father of her child took him away, he asked her not to look for him and she was also afraid that her parents were not supposed to know that she had had a child.

She was in a very confused state when this all happened and she decided to black out all those years about the child.
“At first I was really mad about it but, look here my sister; she is a genius, whatever she did to restore her virginity.
“I have five children with her and we have two grandchildren I would not want to throw the rest of my life away because of what happened 35 years ago.”
It seems he came to like his wife’s son.

“I have a good relationship with him, it is like he is my own now and he gets on very well with his sisters and brothers,” he said.
We will still explore the topic on virginity, it is huge, but what interested me in this story is the son who came looking for his mother after 35 years.
Spouses have complained that they have only discovered that their wife or husband has a child or children out of marriage from rumours or when they have been married for years.
Children born out of wedlock, born outside the marriage, brought by a partner into a marriage — need love just like any other child, it is not their fault that they are in this world.

Society has a name of those born out of wedlock; illegitimate child, which should not be encouraged as it affects them and lower their self esteem, they need protection from such names.
Society should not give the burden of their sins to children, they should be carried by the parents and not to burden innocent children.
During Lobengula’s time, parents who were not happy about their daughters having children out of wedlock with white men as these children were seen to be illegitimate and not only that they were given the name coloured.
The parents asked the king to kill these children who were born out of wedlock and of mixed race.

King Lobengula said, “bring me your children so that I can kill them because they are the ones having children out of wedlock and children of mixed race.” (Marieke Clarke).
This trend of wanting to hide children born out of wedlock has continued to this day as some parents feel that these children will disturb their lives with their new partner whom they would like to build a “home” with.
By not disclosing that one has a child or children out of wedlock or from past relationships when they meet their spouse, couples risk serious problems later in the marriage and also to the child who is at the centre of this fiasco. In most cases, it is women who do not disclose that they had children out of wedlock as this will damage their image because the men will have certain perceptions about them.
Men usually disclose children they had out of wedlock before they met their spouse but not the ones they have during the marriage.

Some children are not brought into the marriage even though they were there before the husband and wife met, for reasons best known to the two.
Children in these scenarios suffer a sense of not belonging as they are at the receiving end of all this deceit by parents wanting to keep their marriages going or saving their fake marriages (because anything that is not based on truth is fake).
A woman told me of how when her sister got married and did not take her daughter whom she had out of wedlock with her.

The husband knew about the child but she did not make her part of the family.
She left her with their mother. Having married a church minister, he did not want to tarnish his image by bringing into the marriage a child born out of wedlock.
She did not even make an effort of having the child during the holidays.

As far as she was concerned, she was not part of the family.
“What really incensed me is when she visited home where I stay with my mother and her daughter, she was with some church women and she introduced me as her sister and my mother as her mother but when it got to her daughter she said, this is Chipo. “The daughter looked at me and I also looked at her, we were shocked.

“Her mother seemed as if she had not done anything wrong, as she carried on as if everything was normal. Chipo was feeling very uncomfortable and she left the room and went to sit outside.
“When they had left she broke down and said to me, ‘It is as if I am nothing.’ I felt sorry for her and I comforted her.

‘‘I also felt sorry for my sister because it is these institutions like the church that we have built which require her to be perfect, she wants to be this perfect Mai Mufundisi (Minister’s wife), as if the church is supposed to be a club for the perfect.
“It is written in 2 Corinthians 12 v 9- 10 “And He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weaknesses.”
Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my weaknesses that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

“Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
This verse shows me that the church is not supposed to be a perfect club.
It should glory in its weaknesses and this is the time when God can actually move in the church not when people are pretending to be “perfect” yet they are destroying a precious life in God’s eyes in the process.” She was furious.

“But why can she not go and stay with her father?” I asked the aunt who was telling me the story and she said that the father does not want responsibility.
She was persuading her sister to take her daughter and stay with her, she feels that at least one of the parents should be responsible since her mother is getting old.
“Yes, I understand that it should just not be my sister’s problem at least if she lives with one of the parents she will feel loved.”

“Has your sister spoken to her husband about including her daughter in the family?” I asked and she said, “When I tried to talk to her about it she said it will complicate things. I said to her so you are choosing your husband over your own child and she answered, ‘‘Sha (my friend) every woman needs a man’.”
One day her sister came home she was beaten by her husband and she said she could not help it and said to her “Oh saka mumagembeze muya makuita chando kupisa — kusiyira mwana kuti murare makabatwa zvarambaka” (so the blankets are no longer bringing happiness, I thought it is your daughter who was going to spoil things for you).

Most children born out of wedlock or from past relationships do not belong anywhere, not with their mother, father and even if they stay with the grandparents they do not have full responsibility on the child and this confuses children.

It is important that one of the parents takes full responsibility, a child should know where they belong. Not having a sense of belonging can kill the self-esteem of a child.

Researchers and social critics advise that self-esteem is something that affects individuals throughout life, therefore, it is very important for parents to help their children develop healthy levels of self-esteem.

“No one is born with a self-image. Through experiences and interactions with other people, especially family members, young children develop an internal picture of themselves and come to place a value on it. Parental attitudes and behaviour heavily influence the development of self-esteem in young children.” Says personalitybook.com

A man who grew up without his father said that if it was not for his mother who worked hard in order to be able to look after him and his sisters he wonders were he would be today. When they were short of school fees or food he asked his mother to look for his father to help. He said that his mother would be hesitant and would assure him that everything was going to be alright.

Asking his mother to look for his father to help with fees and food was also a way of trying to get to see his father whom he rarely saw, until he vanished from their lives. Nevertheless his mother did whatever she could to fend for them; buying and selling, working part-time jobs, until she bought a house in one of the townships, all this time they were renting. Life was not smooth but the love that his mother gave them carried them along and he is what he is today because of his mother. He is a successful person and has a comfortable life.

Although she has a good life, he felt that something was missing in his life; his father. He asked his mother about his father’s whereabouts he wanted to see him and talk to him.

He said, “I thought my mother was going to ask a lot of questions why I was looking for him, but as the nice person she is and a confident person, she inquired for me and gave me his contact details.”

When he visited him he could not believe that his father had a good life and he thought of how they had suffered when he was growing up.

The father blamed his mother for the break up; apparently that is why he could not look after them. He stopped visiting him, because he had seen what he wanted, “I saw what kind of a person he was and that is all I wanted, it was enough.”

The father started visiting him and making unnecessary demands, like asking for money as things were not going on well for him, he even had the nerve to ask him to take up his surname and drop his mother’s, but he told him that he was not going to change his name.

The father threatened him with ngozi (avenging spirits). This was the last straw and he did not want to have anything to do with him.
“I don’t understand why he thought intimidating me with ngozi was going to work, if anything, avenging spirits will go for him for neglecting his fatherly duties.”
Parents own up to your duties.
Chengawose manhanga hapana risina mhodzi (mwoyo), (look after all your pumpkins they all have a seed [soul]). All children are equal.

Joyce Jenje Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer, she can be contacted on: [email protected]