Zimpapers Logo

Joyce Jenje- Makwenda Inside Out
While there has been enough awareness and information on HIV and Aids, it is amazing that people are still dying of Aids-related illnesses and living miserable lives after realising that they are HIV positive or when it has reached levels of Aids. What has also been shocking is that they would want to go with as many people as they can, apparently because in their home they are not prepared to use protective clothing. One wonders what really influences that mindset.

If people understood their ancestors and were in harmony with them, then we would not be having all this, as I have mentioned in my previous articles about how important it is to understand ancestors as they define who we are.

You are a woman or man because you carry a particular ancestor, so we need to synchronise the whole body with our ancestor.

We will avoid a lot of problems. I have buried relatives and friends who denied that they were HIV positive and had Aids-related illnesses even if it was so visible. What is also painful is how some go with their eyes open to get this condition.

We buried a husband of a friend last year who went on a self-destruction spree because he was diagnosed with HIV.

He eventually died.

Before he died I had met him, drunk failing to stand. I had been hearing from family members and friends how he was drinking himself to death and sometimes failing to report for work.

I asked my friend (his wife) what was happening in his life and if he could go for therapy or any other help he could be given. She asked me to talk to him.

I asked if there were days he was sober so that I could talk to him but she said, “Angova magariro ake” (It’s now his way of life). I realised I could not even talk to him as he was always drunk.

After talking to my friend whom I shall call Noma for a long time, she opened up. She said paakangoudzwa kuti anechakapedza mbudzi dzakabva dzatenderera, (when he was told that he was HIV positive, he lost his mind)

Noma told me that since he was diagnosed with HIV he went on a destructive path. She broke down and told me that she was also diagnosed with HIV but was on treatment.

She said the problem with her husband was that he refused to go on treatment and to have a positive mind.

He was not only killing himself but spreading it apparently “kuti aende nevakawanda”(So that he could go [die] with as many people by infecting them)

This was really destructive, yes his life finally came to an end and he died and yet if he had not gone into denial, he would be with us right now.

After his burial, we visited her with a friend I shall call Lisa. Our friend said “murume wako ibenzi chairo, akabva apengeswa nechirwere ichi mukore uno (your husband was such a fool, how could he get confused by Aids in this day and age?). I am so angry with him, his friend (meaning Lisa’s husband) has HIV but we are managing it.”

The husband of our friend who had accompanied me had also tried to talk to him, but all was in vain.

Our friend told us how she has had a fulfilling recreation life with her husband despite that she is negative and the husband is positive.

How someone gets to have this condition at the end does not become an issue but how they manage it and live a positive life which has been said over and over again.

I am just repeating what has been said over the years. However, what has not been said is how the two people with this condition or if one has the condition and the other does not, have can still enjoy playing in a safe way and enjoy themselves to the maximum. How can they have as many ways of having fun in the leisure room and feel good afterwards.

Yes, protective clothing will be needed but are these couples going for such therapy where they will be advised on how they can find absolute pleasure and being creative in the recreation room.

When Lisa’s husband learnt that he had HIV, he decided to live a positive life. When he broke the news to his wife, she lost it but when she went for testing, she tested negative.

She was very angry and wanted to end the marriage but the husband did all he could to win her back.

He decided to renew their love by doing whatever he could.

He went for all sorts of therapy to understand himself.

There are times he would ask Lisa to accompany him but she says she was too bitter to do that.

One day she accompanied him and realised that when we look at men, we only see the macho side but they also have their weak side which needs to be dealt with and sometimes showing it to their partners is important as it reminds them that they are just human beings. But what they end up doing is that they conceal these feelings and they manifest in a wrong way.

She realised how important it was to seek therapy if one has unfinished business in their lives, both men and women, as it will manifest in how they relate especially to their partners.

Dr Barnaby B Barratt of the Midwest Institute of Sexology, Michigan puts it as follows: “Sexuality is the source of all creative, spirituality, emotional and relational growth. Yet too often, sexual pleasure becomes the focus of shame and guilt, the centre of our most deeply hurt and wounded.

“Since overcoming the pain of my own childhood, I have been committed to helping others achieve their potential for sexual health, healing and happiness. It is my intention that those who seek my expertise find me available, helpful and caring. (Page 18. no. 6. Van de Velde Th. H, 1926, 1954 Ideal Marriage. London: Heinemann Medical Books.p.xxi.) (Between and Beyond the Poles – Johann Lemmer Page 6)

Lisa told us how the first day she was persuaded by her husband went.

She said her husband assured her that she would be safe.

“Because of how his character had changed, I believed him when he assured me that I would be safe. He said we were not going to work with the male overcoat as it was designed in a way that it follows the body it is a little bit tight and it was not going to stand the heat that day.

“He decided that we use the female overcoat as it was a little bit loose. She said when she was being dressed with the overcoat, she felt so good. She said that she had never been treated so well in the years they have spent together.

He touched all corners to make sure that all of it fitted well. He was communicating with me all the way and when he arrived at some spot and he told me a story of how one of the spot got its name after a doctor had touched that spot and a woman went wild.

“He was so relaxed and communicating with me whatever part he touched while dressing me with the overcoat.

“This took almost forever and for me that was enough but it is amazing that when the time for us to do the real work came, he brought me back from where I had gone. It was great! When he removed the overcoat it was intact. Yes he looked after me all the way. Since then it has been amazing. He is creative and I realise that there are so many ways to find joy and not what we are used to.

“I said to myself did it have to take him to have HIV to know how to treat me. He comes up with all sorts of ways to make the environment safe and enjoyable when we are working.”

The overcoat becomes one of the pleasurable toys if you have a positive mind and you can absolutely live a fulfilled life.

Please do not wait for some fatality to happen in order to please or to show your partner that you love them, be creative and create a safe environment in that recreation room. You can take advantage of the festive season to renew your love.

Joyce Jenje-Makwenda can be contacted on [email protected]