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Laina Makuzha Love by Design

What is it about talking that petrifies some spouses? When you hear the words “We need to talk” from your partner, whether married or in courtship, what comes to mind? And if you’ve ever said those words to your partner, how did you handle the “talk” that ensued?

In the perilous times we live in, managing stress has become critical for many,  yet in seeking to manage all kinds of stress, people often overlook one of the most effective and simplest strategies: creating a peaceful home as much as depends on you. The importance of peace in the home and just peace of mind in general cannot be overemphasised. For some it means the difference between being well and falling ill and being unable to function well in their spheres of influence.

If there’s no peace in your home, it may be well worth taking the time to discover and assemble the important elements of a peaceful home.

Sure enough, different individuals may be bothered by different things, sometimes the structure and workings of our home, the aesthetics and ambience – but a subtle factor in some homes are just words that come out of a loved one which have the ability to affect the atmosphere by setting an ambience of pleasantness or unnecessary strife.

If one considers the value of creating a truly inspiring and pleasant place to wake up in, a loving, soothing place to come home to, and an exciting yet equally relaxing place to live, it becomes apparent that putting time and energy into creating a peaceful home, can translate into energy saved and stress relieved for the whole family.

Peace can sometimes be as easily created or promoted in the home as it can be destroyed. For some it is because their spouses can not hold a conversation without insulting or shouting at the other.  How lovely it would be to get home and be received by a welcoming sweetness and serenity!

But for some, from the moment they enter the home, they are bombarded by interrogation, and both men and women can be culprits in perpetuating such an approach to communication

Some actually take much pride in being creating verbal matches where they can showcase their harsh diction, speaking sharp daggers that have the potential to cause lasting hurt to the receiver. But what happens is even is you have a great point to make.

The way you express yourself can utterly dilute the message or lose the message altogether.

So I ask, how effectively do you use your words when it comes to important conversations with your partner? It’s a choice. One can say the same message effectively in a number of different ways which can either build or destroy, encourage or discourage. It then depends on the motive behind it, though there are times when you might be oblivious of the effect of your words on your partner.

Have you ever encountered a situation where someone says something to you, possibly criticism, correction or advice in such a constructive way that you are naturally receptive and appreciative of it? – then a situation where the same message is communicated in a way that can totally snuff out all enthusiasm or even conjuring a response tantamount to total resistance to the point that was being made?

Spouses are sometimes guilty of this trait when seeking to help one another improve in a certain area in the relationship, for instance advising a spouse on the benefits of healthy eating, or changing eating habits, or improving hygiene, improving intimacy, or discussing the family finances, or discussing how to help one another with chores in the home.

The secret is in the way you word the messages and the tone in your message. I often wonder it very difficult to speak kindly or calmly when correcting your partner for instance or making a request? In nagging, harassing or “interrogating’ unavoidable?

Says author and professor of biblical scripture Jay Sklar PhD,

“We must make no mistake about it: our tongue, though one of the smaller parts of our body, is one of the most powerful forces for good or evil in our marriage. Indeed, the book of Proverbs teaches us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21a).

Consider that carefully: our tongue has the power to destroy or to give life; to curse or to bless; to tear down or to build up. And chances are the person that will feel that power most keenly – whether for evil or for good – is our spouse!”

How true. James 3: 5-6 touches on this. “Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.”

The book of Proverbs also confirms the destructive power of the, as it states that “reckless words pierce like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18a). Essentially this means in marriages couples are capable of using the tongue as a weapon of destruction, piercing the spouse with words and cutting him or her down to the ground.

The same tongue however, also has tremendous potential for good if one so chooses.

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11). Or again:

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life” (Proverbs 15:4a). A tree of life! Few things are more encouraging to us than words of affirmation, especially from those closest to us like our spouse.

Taming the tongue can be difficult, but the tongue has power to speak life or death in your marriage.

There are so many ways to use our words, use the tongue to speak life and use our words to build rather than destroy.

If you are really in love, or have chosen to love someone, you probably don’t want a tongue of death, especially towards the very person you have pledged your life to in marriage.

So how do we have tongues of life and blessing instead of tongues of death and destruction?  I leave you to consider Proverbs 16v24: “Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”    Let’s keep the conversation going. I would really love to hear your thoughts – what’s working for you, what’s not working…

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