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Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN

Story telling or sharing is such a powerful way to inspire, teach and even learn. The  stories of our lives and stories from creative minds, can all help us see blind spots, learn new ways of doing things, change perspective and can be thought provoking. 

So it is in the relationships arena.

 I was watching one such story, an old episode of the American TV series Black-ish, which follows an upper class black family led by Andre “Dre” Johnson (Anthony Anderson) and Rainbow “Bow” Johnson (Tracee Ellis Ross and revolving around the family’s lives, as they navigate life, juggling several life issues.

 So the couple had hit a rough patch in their marriage one that seemed like their first serious threat of marital collapse and one could see the depressions, exasperation and almost embarrassment, that their marriage was failing right before their eyes, and even the children could tell. It occurred to me that many couples ruin their relationships over things that can be resolved if addressed sooner, but in the moment, when tempers are flaring, they can be blinded by all kinds of hurt that will have built up over time. 

More often than not, when the going gets tough and the heat is on in a relationship, it seems easier to pack up and leave, and throw all those promises, goals and dreams out the window without seriously trying to make it work. However, many soon find that the grass that seemed greener on the other side isn’t so green in reality; and sadly many will live in regret – in, or out of a marriage or choice that they will have made in haste. 

The decision to marry shouldn’t be taken lightly. Marriage is not some fashion item you just buy off a rack and discard when it doesn’t suit your taste of the day. At least most of those who engage in it seem to vow that they are in it for life, some till death, others for eternity, depending on your belief system.

Sometimes when I consider the divorce stories we see on a daily basis, the gender based violence across the board –  it’s really unsettling. It’s as if people are working so hard to get to the point of marriage, doing all the right things- then they drop the ball once that goal is accomplished. It’s an error I see in some of the marriage ruins, when you forage through the rubble of a relationship that has fallen apart, the evidence is there of how things fell apart.

In the case of the super lead couple in the TV Series I mentioned (Black-ish), just listening to “Dre” and “Bow” arguing, one could see where the cracks developed eg unresolved issues from the past, poor communication of expectations and lack of respect among other things. Five children down the line, they found themselves almost blind-sided by deep challenges that they couldn’t resolve, for all their trying. It happens. Thankfully after some time of separation and events, they both found their way back to each other. Some are not so fortunate to resolve their issues, but these are some of the realities that plague the human race. And it doesn’t mean we stop trying to get the best possible relationship or making a marriage better.  

I have so many other stories to share, of couples whose relationships could have collapsed had they not found help. It’s okay sometimes to seek therapy when the two of you just can’t see eye to eye. Sometimes an objective 

Author Tony Evans tells the story in his book Kingdom Marriage, of a couple who approached him for marriage counselling with a handwritten list of problems that they needed to work out. As he looked through their list he thought to himself, “How are we going to fix all of this?” What he realised, almost instantly however, was that the items on the list were symptoms of a deeper problem. 

He knew that if he only treated the symptoms they would be right back in his office with a new list. So he took their piece of paper and tore it up. 

Then he explained to them his plan at getting at the core relationship issues.

When things go wrong in marriage or relationships, some look at changing behaviour or their circumstances. Experts say these fixes are however just temporary most of the time. The real threats apparently lie below the surface, in our attitudes. It is therefore vital to not only recognise these wrong attitudes but to also adjust them. 

So I’m thinking, if you are in a serious relationship, searching for one or you’re married- don’t be blind-sided, explore with me some of the attitudes that pose a real threat to your romantic relationship or marriage. I picked a few offered by BJ Foster, author and Director of content on allprodad.com.

Selfishness

“Selfishness is the opposite of love .”If the problems in relationships could be boiled down to one bad attitude, it would probably be selfishness. Selfishness is the opposite of love. Marriage is about giving. Giving is what cultivates a good relationship. Having the ability to not only think about the wants and needs of someone else, but the capacity to see the world from their view is what draws people together. Selfishness drives isolation.

Lust

Sexual desire in itself is not a bad thing. It’s actually a good thing in the right context. When sexual desire becomes self-seeking that’s when it becomes lust. Clearly lusting after a person who is not your spouse is detrimental to the marriage. You begin to create a fantasy world and an object of desire in your head that your spouse can’t compete with. Ultimately, it leads to feelings of dissatisfaction with your spouse. 

Laziness

Long lasting relationships take an investment of emotion and energy. After a while, it is easy to put a relationship on cruise control. The result is having a spouse who feels abandoned and unloved. However, laziness in our work and physical health can have a carryover effect on our marriages. When our physical health suffers and our productivity drops so does our energy. We have less energy and passion to invest back into our marriages.

Anger and Bitterness

A lasting relationship requires forgiveness and grace. When those are lacking anger and bitterness set in and these can fester.  Those two things when left unchecked will drive a marriage apart. 

What kind of difference would it make to assume the best in others? To assume your spouse has the best intentions? Perhaps they didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe they are trying their best, but are struggling. Maybe you unintentionally hurt them and they are reacting out of their pain. We are all in need of grace if you think about it.

I would love to hear from you with those. Let’s keep the conversation going. Questions, comments, needing advice or just sharing experiences. 

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