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Laina Makuzha-Love by Design

For the past two weeks I covered thoughts on how lack of love in childhood can affect how one relates with others in adulthood. I was really touched by some of the feedback I received regarding that article and it is my hope that the precious individuals that reached out, may continue to seek ways to enjoy healthier relationships and marriages, as that is at the very core of this column.

In looking at the challenges some marriages and relationships are facing, dreaming of addressing all of them can seem insurmountable but there are many experts at one’s disposal, so if facing challenges, do not despair. 

This week I was inspired to write on how self love is a key ingredient in life, and when one is in a relationship or married. It’s one thing to endure a lack of love from parents, family members, colleagues, hey, even if you feel the whole world doesn’t love you – the question is, do you love you(yourself)? I’m not talking about being narcissistic, but good old love of the person God made you to be? And can you recognise love when it’s given to you?

There’s something to be said about how we relate to ourselves, how we view ourselves and how that also affects our relationships with other people.  For instance if you are always opposing yourself,  always in conflict with yourself, overly critical of anything you do or ideas you have- it will likely lead to some sort of ‘self-sabotage’ whether you realise it or not.  A low view of oneself for instance, is bound to come off a certain negative way, when you relate to others. Wouldn’t it be wonderful though, to have a healthy view of oneself as the precious individual that you are, beautiful, handsome, your original self as God made you, before life experiences tainted your view of yourself?

Relationship coaches say, among other things, your relationship with yourself involves self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-care. It impacts your mental and emotional health and your bonds with other people. A healthy relationship with yourself can improve mental health, connections, and even work productivity. 

 In relationships, as in many other aspects of life, there are times when it’s important to be your own greatest cheer leader. Encourage yourself that you’re handling yourself  and your relationship with love and as best as you can. For real, it should be possible without exhibiting misplaced pride.  

Well — here’s the thing — if you can’t love yourself at all, or work on yourself and strive to become that  high value individual, how will you recognise love to be able to give or receive it? You stand the danger of being a really unpleasant person around other people, with all sorts of airs about you, such as paranoia or being cynical. Have you ever been around people who are always shooting others down, ideas that come from others, always critical even when it’s unnecessary? We all know someone who fits that bill.

Sometimes it’s just their view of themselves or what they are dealing with, within themselves which contributes to that behaviour. 

L ow self image can sometimes cause one to shut others out for fear of deeper connection. In some cases it is one of the reason some people are clingy and cant let go of a bad or abusive relationship. Without realising it, you may be making your partner suffer for how you feel within yourself, for instance if you feel insecure- you are likely to display behaviour and demands that steal the joy from your relationship. It is just one of many unhealthy traits.

 Whether you are a woman or man desiring to be in a wholesome relationship, your looks alone will not cut it. There are qualities that stand out such that when you meet that special someone, you will know that they are different from the run of the mill or they will know you are a solid, balanced individual. So whether you are a man, looking for that special woman to be in a steady relationship with, or you are a woman hoping to meet that ‘knight in shining armour’, you have to check yourself , and purpose in your heart to be that person someone else is dreaming of being with. 

That said: what are those qualities that make a woman or a man be regarded as “the one”, in other words a high value woman, a high value man? And by the way this does not just relate to single people but even if you are married, how healthy is your relationship with yourself, and this affects how you relate to your spouse. 

Gina Swire, a self-love expert, mentor and author of the book ‘PS I Love Me,’ says “The depth you can go to with a partner and the space you can hold for each other reflects that which you have grown into yourself.”

As well as allowing you to form a deeper and more meaningful bond with someone else, making space for self-love within your relationship can also help you to maintain boundaries and look after your wellbeing — a habit which, in turn, allows you to give more to the other person in your relationship,” Swire explains.

So much to share on what self love and being a high value individual in a relations is about, and how to practice it every day and be more pleasant to be around. 

Let’s take it up next week. Meantime let’s keep the conversation going online. I would love to hear from you what your thoughts are regarding this topic and if you can relate at all or have observations to share. It’s that exchange of experiences and information that can be useful in seeking to achieve those relationship and marriage goals.

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