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Laina Makuzha Love by Design

There are so many wonderful people looking for love,  publications in this group,the likes of Manica Post and Kwayedza have allocated space for those who are looking to find a partner, whether just for dating or committed relationships.

There are many shows at any given time on various TV channels – the likes of Jerry Springer’s  Baggage or “Too Hot To be Single” and some such titles. Then of course Online dating Apps that are awash, are contributing a chunk to relationships in our times. 

Someone asked me “What is wrong with our relationships nowadays, whether married, working towards it or just starting out?”

I wasn’t ready for it nor did I feel qualified but I gave it my best shot: I cited many challenges that bedevil families- some of which I have lightly touched on in previous articles. There are  innumerable factors affecting romantic relationships and marriages today.

Some of these are as a result of trying to navigate such situations as : Long Distance, blended family, polygamy, unmatched vision/dreams, infidelity, gaslighting, Finances, unmatched beliefs,violent partner, Catfishing at the beginning of what seems like a relationship – the list goes on. No doubt you may have some examples of your own. 

I also reminded them we did discuss the power of just words, last week- how the tongue being a small member of the body can cause much damage or light fires and serve as one of the many impediments to joy and peace in the home.

Hopefully we can also discuss some of these factors in future, for instance pick on some of these red flags and discuss them at length with interviews that help shed more light and bring healing or better healthier relationships .

The discussion got me thinking sometimes relationships may face difficulties due to red flags that weren’t addressed. Do you know your partner well? Do you have a strong knowledge of who you are, what you stand for and why you are? For those still searching, this can help avoid certain red flags that don’t align with your own values. Because if or when you do(know), it can be easier to do what you are there to do(in that relationship/marriage); and stick to the plan as long as all things are equal and no aspects of that union are endangering life or health. How many times have you heard people lament how they “saw the signs but ignored them” thinking it would go away, but it didn’t, it only festered?

Leadership podcaster and best selling author  Craig Groeschel who is also  the senior pastor of Life.Church, warns against ignoring red falgs and says people sometimes have a tendency to see the red flag yet  “walk right into it and regret later”. 

He gives an example of how it is important to ensure the important values in your life tally with those of the one you choose to be with, for instance spiritual values and beliefs, trust, or your world view. 

“Don’t build a life with someone with a different world view, ” says Groechel, adding “Ensure no one leads you astray, away from your beliefs . . . ”

Someone might be thinking well, it’s too late to try fix anything now  because maybe you’re already in it.  But, wait a minute . . .  what does that mean then? Throwing in the towel? What are the chances that giving up will bring happiness? Is it really too late to create the kind of relationships you want, with who you’re with- loving the one you’re with if you really put your heart and mind to it?

There is no “one size fits all”, that’s for sure, but I find that taking the time for occasional introspection, checking oneself and each partner seeking the best for the other, can yield mutual benefit. The tendency to see the grass as greener on the other side, neglecting one’s partner in favour of seeking what is missing – elsewhere, can be an unfortunate hurdle in the success of some relationships.

There are some people who go through life treating their marriages as “water under the bridge”, “what’s done is done” but it doesn’t have to be that way. The relationship cannot work itself to greatness, it requires the commitment of both partners. 

The fact that you are alive and are able to identify what’s not working, means there is still a chance to make up your mind to fight for your love, for your marriage and to do right by your chosen partner, “umuntu wakho” ,munhu wako, your person as some would say.  How beautiful love can be!

I’ve often said if you dare think back to where it all started, revisit those sweet times, you will find something useful there, something to spur you on when the going gets tough.

If your relationship has become a struggle, a cause of constant depression, or danger for that matter – there’s inexhaustible help depending on what you prefer:  professional therapy, community leaders, spiritual leaders, trusted family leaders or recommended online marriage resources among others.

If we are crying foul about things having long turned sour, it is a fact in some relationships, but is it possible to perhaps pin pint where things actually turned ugly? Was it gradual or was it a specific incident or situation? Again it’s a choice one can make, though it might be easier said than done. But once you’ve made that decision to work on mending, it may be important at that juncture to not focus on who was wrong but focus on the “now” and moving forward i e. What needs to happen, what can be done to straighten out the crooked parts of the relationship,what’s possible. It’s a new day as per your decision. The past is over. So you let it go.

Rather than lament,grumble,murmur about what’s not going right,  how about thinking of  solutions? If you are of the Christian faith, prayer would have to be a big part of your search for solutions, asking from God Himself the originator of marriage. Prayer of surrender, without bias in your mind, without blame or bitterness towards your partner can yield amazing solutions.

So this individual who likes to spark debate said to me: “You can speak of red flags all you like, but monogamy is out of fashion, you are fighting nature and wasting your time”. 

First, I had to set the record straight, that mine is not a prescription about love and such, but only a conversation where ideas and insights are shared for further processing by individuals, taking what helps and discarding what doesn’t go with one’s own values and life goals. I then asked for elaboration on the outlandish claim and he said. “Because men nowadays tend to have several unofficial wives, and in some cases they do the noble thing and formalise one or two. And imi madzimai,are happy participants – can you deny that? It’s a whole thing now”

 Of course I was up in arms, saying this was a reckless blanket statement that wreaked of insensitivity and that perhaps he should speak for himself if that was his case.

He dared me to do my research or find “honest” individuals who would admit but that if I do,  I should also be willing to hear them out on their reasons without judgement.

I thought this individual just enjoyed arguing for the sake of it, but then again, was he telling the truth? What’s the reality out there? Let me know your thoughts and views. I would love to hear from you in general – How are the homes, the marriages, the relationships for those out there in the trenches of love, making it happen, making work everyday? And for those still searching, they say “hapana asina wake”, keep your heart open, show up, socialise constructively- it will happen.  I like to think of love as a choice that we make once prospects are presented. In marriage too, making it work involves a willingness to work on it. Hence the term “love by design”.

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