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Dr Masimba Mavaza

Many parents work hard to send their children to school. When the children do well and pass their Advanced Levels many parents wish to see their children at university and doing well. The pride of a parent who has a child at university is beyond this world. The feeling of accomplishment envelopes parents whose children have made it in class.

Some parents go an extra mile to take their children abroad. The mentality which most Zimbabweans have is that education away from Zimbabwe is better. But you will be surprised that Zimbabwe’s education is among the best in the whole of Africa. Being that as it may, many parents have sent their children abroad using the last cent in the house.

Parents have sacrificed, even going hungry and skipping some meals just to take a child abroad. Some have sold houses for their child to attain education abroad. Many children are shocked with the sudden change in environment and a change in circumstances.

Many parents do not realise signs which indicate their child is having difficulty adjusting to their life abroad.  Many children are thrown into excessive freedom without some expert tips to help them cope.

When they make the decision to move their children abroad, they never first thought what effect the move has on the kids.

Living abroad can be a wonderful experience for your children. They will be exposed to different cultures and languages, they will broaden their worldview, become more culturally sensitive and empathetic and learn to be resilient in the face of change. However, there is an adjustment phase, and all children need to be guided and supported through this, either by their parents, or in cases where the child is not settling, a professional or by relatives. Moving to a new country is an exciting yet stressful time.

There is so much to organise, so much to do and never enough time. During these times it is important to remember that you are not the only one going through a transition.

Your children are too, and they may process change very differently from you, or be too young to verbalise their feelings. It is, therefore, important that you pay close attention to any new behaviour or patterns appearing, as it may be a sign of transition stress. Many Zimbabwean children who go to study abroad just come from boarding schools. They are shocked with the freedom they are getting for the first time.  Many children become so experimental and the sad thing is that they experiment with their lives.  Being free for the first time can destroy a child forever. It is good to give children freedom, but it must be given gradually.

Tory Almond, founder of The English Connection NL, has spent years as a counsellor helping young people who were transitioning abroad.

He says: “While younger kids adjust easier than older kids and their parents, relocating is still an adjustment.”

According to Tory, behaviour to look out for in younger children (below 21 years) includes drastic mood changes.

“Young adults have a hard time expressing themselves and become frustrated, resulting in drastic mood changes when they become frustrated,” says Tory.

Look out for uncharacteristic bad moods, or if it becomes harder to elicit a call back from your child. It can be difficult to identify the cause of frustration in a young child as it may just as likely be because they are tired or busy with school work.

But try to dig deeper and understand why your child exhibits moody behaviour. For example, does your child melt down or become uncharacteristically quiet when you call them.

“Young adults often use a stay aloof method to express anger and frustration when they can’t express their feelings in words, this can mean they are struggling with something and can’t express it,” says Tory.

“Again, try to get to the bottom of such behaviour and do not pass it off as ‘just the age or a new place’. Young adults feel the enormity of change as much as adults, but they don’t want to disappoint you so they keep silent.”

Thokozani Ncube welcomed the idea of going to Poland.

She had dreams of the first world country where she will succeed and become rich. She had this idea of a heaven on earth. She had this belief that there will be no one suffering in the first world.

On arrival in Poland, Thoko was overwhelmed by the behaviour of her fellow Zimbabweans.

“I think some children are getting their freedom for the first time and they don’t know how to enjoy freedom,” she said. “Freedom without control is dangerous.”

AXA’s Director of Psychological Services, Dr Mark Winwood, says: “Younger children respond well to routine and ‘sameness’, so in a sea of drastic change such as moving away from familiar surroundings try and make certain things a routine and attempt to stick to it.

“They need time to process all of the new information that they are exposed to and appreciate daily routines and repetition or they may become stressed.”

During times of change, a little extra attention will go a long way in helping the kids deal with stress.

According to Tory, “older kids and teenagers, being more attached to their previous culture, will have a more difficult time relocating. They still have the ability to adapt quicker than their parents to their new environment, but may be held back more by a strong connection to their old culture through social media.”

Some behaviour to keep an eye out for with older kids and teens include a lot of time on social media.

“Teens love social media, but if a massive amount of time is spent looking at the lives of friends from their previous homes it can lead to depression, frustration, and anger as they see events they are missing out on and are familiar with.

The urge to maintain old bonds is strong, but don’t let your child or teen disconnect from the exciting new world around them. They need to engage in reality, not just on Instagram and other social networks.

Travel abroad is always an adventure for students. A common sense approach to the risks involved goes a long way toward assuring safe travel and pleasant memories.

Parents must always urge their children to be especially careful to help maintain security both at their study site and while traveling around.

Students must be alert to anyone who might appear to be following them, or anyone whom they notice in the same place repeatedly, or anything unusual near their accommodations.

Perverts use the students’ accommodation as hunting grounds.

Students in foreign countries are considered easy to recruit for drug trafficking and sometimes for terrorist activities.

Be cautious when you meet new people.  Do not give your address, your telephone number, or contact information for your study site.

Miros Dhewa, a 25-year-old Zimbabwean is now serving a 20-year prison term in a Polish prison.

He arrived in Poland three years ago to take up nursing studies.

His parents struggled with fees, but would send whatever the school required. Miros was frustrated by the slow trickling in of the funds.

He decided to help his parents. So, a friend of his offered him a job. It was a very easy job. Once a week he would deliver letters to Warsaw the capital of Poland.

It was so easy because he would deliver to one person only. And he was getting a lot of money. With the money he received from his courier job he managed to pay his fees for three years.

One fateful day he went to deliver his letters as usual, but on arrival at the house he normally delivered he was welcomed by a different person.

He tried to verify the identity of the recipient. He was surprised the guy was an undercover police officer.  He was arrested and his letters were opened and they were not normal letters.

He had been delivering drugs all along.

Before he knew it, he was on his way to a prison for drug trafficking.

As your child renegotiates their identity to incorporate their new life abroad, there are bound to be comparisons between countries, and this will only intensify the more you move.

What you want to look out for, however, are negative judgements about a current country that inhibit your child’s curiosity and natural desire to get stuck into life.

Teens are moody, but excessive anger and bitterness can build up as a child is processing their new home and dealing with the differences.

This brings attitudes of “I don’t care” and plunges children in the dip end of things. If a child begins to pull away and separate themselves from family and friends, they may be in need of help.

This is a tricky trait to identify, especially with teenagers, who by nature are solitary beings.

If your child or teen removes him or herself from most family gatherings, and groups be it Whatsapp, dinner or movie night, probe the behaviour more deeply. It could be a form of detachment brought on by the transition.

Making friends at school can sometimes be challenging, and sometimes very dangerous.

As with adults, making friends is vital and your child will find deeper happiness once their social network is up and running, but if he or she is led astray by friends she feels vulnerable.

Young adults must be taught not to rely on friends.

People find ways of coping with new situations. This may manifest in a variety of ways.

But whenever possible, lets tell our children that:

Do not accept any package, parcel, or suitcase from anyone asking you to carry, look after or store items for them.

Do not borrow suitcases; make sure that no one has put anything in your luggage. A few years ago, a bomb found at Heathrow Airport in England had been planted in the bag of a young woman by her boyfriend whom she had known for over a year.

Never drive a car for someone else, especially across national borders.

Remain alert in public places; look around; get away from any package or bag which appears abandoned, and notify the authorities or local police.

Do not leave your own bags unattended, not only because they may be stolen, but also because the police may consider them dangerous and confiscate or destroy them.

Above all our children must be taught the other side of the life they are used to.

By fostering a responsive, rather than reactive approach to coping with changes associated with a major move, teens and young adults can learn how to achieve clarity while navigating the inevitable obstacles of life.

Helping your child build resilience may really help manage this transition.

We can build resilience by:

 Acknowledging emotions

Tell your child the first step in managing emotions associated with any type of life change is simply to give themselves permission to experience the emotion so it can run its course.

The reality of entering a new chapter of life can be profoundly daunting. Change can bring out feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment. Encourage your older child or teen to share their feelings through talking about them, blogging on social media for teens, encouraging supportive friendships at home and in the new environment, or even talking to a professional to help process the full range of difficult emotions. Acknowledge this is a challenging time for the whole family and you are all there to support each other. It is normal to miss friends and familiar things – be open to discussing the challenges.

Remind your child it’s okay not to have all the answers to every question, or to know how every detail will play out, or what the future holds in the new environment. Remembering what’s important — family, friends, education, health – is a powerful shield against whatever negative emotions threaten to arise. Consider with them what’s important to them and what they value, and help them to keep this life-change in the right context.

Reflect with your child on a time when they faced a significant change and successfully managed it, despite experiencing some initial fear. Sometimes unfamiliar events are not as scary as they seem initially and may simply require a little time to adjust.

We create our own realities in the way we process our thoughts and emotions. Point out to your child that changes are part of the human experience and are opportunities for growth.

Rather than be consumed with what was lost, consider potential gains. How can this new situation be a benefit? Is this an opportunity to re-invent themselves? Help them learn to make the best of new situations. They may eventually view the life change as beneficial to their personal growth and life story.

Maintaining our health is essential at all times, but when we are undergoing significant challenge, such as a move to a different culture we need energy to navigate the inevitable ‘ups and downs’.

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