Of topless MPs, vanished activists, endlessly blundering execs MDC-T Bulawayo East legislator Thabitha Khumalo walks topless during a rally Njube in Bulawayo yesterday
MDC-T Bulawayo East legislator Thabitha Khumalo walks topless during a rally Njube in Bulawayo yesterday

MDC-T Bulawayo East legislator Thabitha Khumalo walks topless during a rally Njube in Bulawayo on Thursday

Who am I? To be honest I have done some good somewhere. Let us admit that much before I go any further. I grew the medical aid society that caters for most civil servants into a conglomerate that offers medical service, a development that upped the standards that members can enjoy.

For that at least, please give me some due respect.
But maybe not, seeing as I then went on to plunder that same conglomerate through a staggering salary that most peasants still cannot get their heads around.

And of course I gave myself a huge portion of this new arm of the organisation and I would be hard pressed to explain how I acquired the money to pay for those shares.

Then there was chaos as the members could no longer access those upped services, but that was not all my fault as our biggest contributor owed us a sizeable chunk which would have gone a long way in catering for the masses without compromising my benefits.

Then let us come to the reason why you might vote me to top the list of the most hated people in the country. It is just a game people, for goodness sake.

What does it matter if we are disqualified from Russia 2018?

Have you checked my record lately? What would we do with the slot except lose in the preliminary stages as usual?

And you know from the way that the association is so seriously in debt besides all those massive grants from FIFA that wherever the money we would get should go, it would definitely not be into the beautiful game.

Under my rule, you have all learned to subscribe to DStv so that you can watch some decent football as the local league has become a huge joke. As for the national team, let us not even start on that.

We all know that our Warriors are not feared by anyone on the continent because we have made sure that they have no weapons. At least the ones that matter.

But like I said, it is all a game. And surely even you would not want me to lose all my hard earned assets and trinkets over a silly round ball chased by grown up men, would you? And I do insist that I remain the best man for the job so I will not even offer my resignation to pave way for other dedicated compatriots to try and clean up the mess.

Fight away
We like our teeth because somehow our drinks always seem to go down better when we are tearing off chunks of dead animal flesh that have been grilled to perfection over the fires at our usual outdoor drinking places.

So we shall not be frequenting any of the gatherings where people from the clueless party or is that parties are likely to be.

They seem to be in a fighting and stripping mode and not all of us will be coincidentally dressed in spotless white undergarments that we can then proudly parade before any ogling eyes that would care to look twice, aye thrice.

And not of all us have such well-kept torsos to flaunt. So you understand why we would rather keep our outer garments firmly on top of our bodies.

Charlie Hebdo localised
Okay, own up though we do not expect you to. Whose bright idea was it to play a Charlie Hebdo? You take some fringe noise maker whose sanity many people doubt and make him disappear.

And suddenly from being a player of the lunatic fringe that no one takes seriously, a harmless mental patient who has discovered a whistle and is a nuisance rather than a genuine bother, is now international news!

Who on earth was losing any sleep over this overzealous but tactic deficient person before?

All his schemes were only grand in his mind and we all thought he had a right to practise his own brand of self-delusion.

Of course, he was helped along by social media fans who egged him on while they enjoyed life in their own skins that ran no risks of meeting batons for infringements on the law.

This guy has always enjoyed saying the big bad wolves are after him.

We know that just because someone is paranoid it does not mean that no one is after them.

But now he is suddenly a big brand and some otherwise logical people are pledging to join him.

So please forgive these poor drinkers for wondering if these mysterious abductors will ever be found or if the missing man will miraculously reappear with unsubstantiated tales of time in some secret places that can never more be located.

Last Call
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them.

“Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Till next week, Bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar

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