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Bar Talk with Bra Gee
Healer heal thyself!
We hear that a prominent self-styled prophet, who used to trade in predicting the deaths of others and hoodwinking his international following into believing that he could turn air into money and other miracles, is now knocking on hell’s door.

We hear that all his spiritual fathers from church and African traditional religion have been unable to cure the ailment.

Not even his vaunted and flaunted wealth has been able to keep his carefully kept torso in prime health.

So now we hear that rather than admit that he is human and susceptible to ravishment by mere disease, he will pretend to be communing with higher powers.

We assume that the communion will consist of him begging and pleading for another chance on the earthly vale, rather than him fervently asking to be raised unto the glory which surely all prophets can reasonably expect when they die, seeing as they all label themselves persons of god.

But we are not laughing at this very human weakness. After all, even at the usual place, when some regulars fall ill with that disease that usually comes when someone’s unbridled lust overtakes their common sense, they simply disappear and try to pretend that they have gone to places where their money temperature will be much cooler and even try posting some Zvinhu zvirikufaya videos. It is heartening to note that prophets and drinkers are not so different after all!

Untalented egotist musician

There is a fellow who is riding on his late father’s talent in the showbiz industry yet he himself has not managed to convince the fans that he has any serious entertainment to offer. His one song that became popular was made with the help of another young musician. But that one is popular in his own right and has gone on to offer several other hits, for those who like his kind of noise.

But that son of the late great musician has now crowned himself ‘the main act’ at all shows where he is involved and thinks everyone else should be a supporting act, including the bad boy of dancehall. We all know that dancehall is ruling right now, so how can a top dancehall singer be the supporting act of an untalented musician who is still trying to get to grips with a dying genre?

We hear that the big ego, zero talent musician even refuses to pay the “supporting acts” after using them to attract crowds to his shows. So now the bad boy of Zim dancehall has dumped the zero talent musician, who is the next act to be duped? Zvatipedza mafuta shuwa!

Left hand, right hand clash

Every Sunday we go to communion with Bishop Lazarus so we do know one or two things from the Bible. Like how the left hand should not know what the right hand is doing. But a fellow from parts southern has taken this wisdom to another level. He is the in the media every week as journalists tout his philanthropy projects ad nauseam.

But while they tell us what the right hand is giving they do not tell what the left is taking. When will we get an uncompromised reporter to talk of the misery of the people whose money is being thrown left right and centre as they await the long promised housing projects to finally happen?

Right now people in the shadows of the capital city in Norton are crying as the equipment that was supposed to be servicing their stands has been shipped to places where the Ndaus and Wezhiras merge, where presumably new victims are being seduced before being led to the slaughter like meek lambs.

Meanwhile, this man is intimidating everyone so that demos to pass a vote of no confidence in him are failing before they even happen. The ex-convict with the sword of Damocles hanging over him in the form of an unresolved appeal against a jail sentence, is now trying to inveigle himself into really high places, and the victims can only watch and pray that he does not succeed.

You will forgive the regulars at the usual place for having stopped believing that the end of corruption will happen to this race of humanity. For who will guard the guard when the mouthpiece of society, the media is selling out for the biblical 30 pieces of silver? We refuse to accept that all the people writing and publishing good stories about this “angel of mercy” do not know the devil-like trail of hate and despair that he is leaving behind him everywhere. But enough preaching from us, if you want more go to church.

Pay and Walk

You did not think that we were going away without a parting shot at our long-time friend the unlicensed driver, did you?

After flogging this horse for so long, we could not abandon it without giving it one last lash, just for old time’s sake. We are not surprised that she walked.

We did hint that we were expecting that kind of outcome last week when we suggested that any other person with a similar case pending should get themselves a lawyer, a good one. But we are quite happy with the US$1 000 fine which will add to that all important fund from which civil servants bonuses are paid from.

But whether the family of the deceased appreciates the difference between negligence and gross negligence when their loved one died all the same, we do not know.

We have heard rumours that some people with poor taste in music who prefer braying to singing are chipping in with cash tokens to help her stay out of jail. We are not sure about the other laws but we think that maybe it is time for a rethink.

Let all fines be considerable figures such as these, do not throw anyone in jail, let community service be carried out at some State farms or let people pay hefty fines to walk. Then there would be no problem with State coffers and civil servants will get their bonuses and treat us as we have come to expect every year.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Lost your humour

Word has just reached our ears that Thursday night turned into a boxing match between two comics. The story that we heard is that one funny man said something funny about the wife of the other funny man he was sharing the stage with. But the funny man who makes a living from trying to get people to laugh at each other could not stand having the shoe on the other foot.

So he went for the fellow funny man with clenched fists and booted feet, we are told. So we are advising all the people at whose expense he has been having his shows to also do the same. Surely a comedian should be the first person to appreciate a joke! No wonder why the wise people of the east snubbed this particular comic when he tried to take his mediocre act to their town. Now everyone knows that he is not funny at all.

Twitter: @brageesbar, Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]