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Mphoko’s affinity for drama is amazing

24 Aug, 2019 - 00:08 0 Views
Mphoko’s affinity for drama is amazing Phelekezela Mphoko

The Herald

Gonyeti is looking for enemies on the wrong side. The enemy is within. The enemy follows her anti-Government skits and attack to push the blame on the Government. This is a new MDC-A tactic. You know that in the near future we are going to have many stage-managed attacks attributed to the Government. Watch out for the Selous Scouts.

Of the Undertaker in court and Selous Scouts!

Move over Vettel, Hamilton, Schumi is back! Motor racing fanatics remember the legend Michael “Schumi” Schumacher, who could heat the gas like no one else; living or departed. History records that Schumi is the only driver to race to seven Formula One World Championships, five of which won consecutively.

We miss Schumi, we sure do, and we wish him well in his battle to recovery after the ski accident that left him suffering traumatic brain injury on December 29, 2013. We believe Sebastian Vettel and Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton have been enjoying the ride in the sunshine for long now, and need to be stopped; and they will be stopped soonest. They cannot take it from our Schumi; and we have a contender in the making.


The challenger is none other than our very own Phelekezela Mphoko. The former vice president had been off the radar for a while now, and we thought he was fighting the demons of has-beens ‘peacefully’ away from the inquisitive crowd, when the limelight zoomed on him recently, courtesy of the no nonsense anti-corruption body, ZACC. Not that we didn’t know that his candidature for the gaoler’s was apt, but, we, like our fellow peace-loving and law-abiding citizens waited for those who have eaten book on what constitutes an illegality to act.

Winds have a certain way of blowing; especially these August winds if you get what we mean. Always blowing, blowing and blowing. It so happened that in the windy terrain, Mphoko sniffed a familiar wafting Aeolian residue, which reminded him of his Avondale days, when, he drove Rambo style into the Bhurakwacha parking lot, and sauntered to the Bhurakwacha-in-charge’s office, seething with anger. Brooking no nonsense, the then Vice President, and Acting President of our beautiful nation demanded the release of his “boys” nabbed for behaving like they owned the whole place at Zimbabwe National Roads Administration (Zinara). In the fashion of the Lone Ranger, Mphoko secured the release of his “boys” whom he felt were “improperly” treated, and sped away with them in his big jalopy, leaving the Babylon-in-charge and his subordinates dumbfounded.

But we knew it, like we have always known, that which is of mysterious ways journeys slowly so that its mark cannot be mistaken for the common. Yes, the spoor was easy to spot, seeing that it was that of a big man. The big man’s affinity for drama is amazing; he is, indeed, a Drama King.

We are told the speed at which his jalopy screeched and puffed off in Bulawayo after sensing arrest from ZACC officials was so astounding that Schumi, would have been left green with envy. When Mphoko eventually appeared in court, he looked like the Undertaker. Wrestling fans were reminded of the giant ghostly figure, clad in all black and the huge hat. And, indeed, that is how he appeared. Without being prejudicial, as we said earlier on, the law is the law. The big man is being charged with undertaking to release from lawful police custody, some charlatans behaving like owners of a whole roads authority.

Colleagues who were with Mphoko at the front during the liberation struggle, say the guy, despite his intimidating frame, and fake charisma, is a real coward; a monumental coward. His credentials, speak to a weak character, who survives in rewriting his own history, a great opportunist, who like a hyena, loves hugging his enemies and attacking them when they least expect it. He is good at jest, bad jest.

His colleagues in ZIPRA, the military wing of ZAPU, say Mphoko pulled a fast one during the liberation struggle when he dated a Mozambican beauty and abandoned the war after tasting the forbidden fruit. He loved the comfort between the sheets and, what with the accompanying pleasantries, the sweetness of the fruit? Well, dear reader, he refused to go back to war, so we are told, he refused proper and clean. The only good thing is he married the girl later, but that was the end of his participation in the struggle. Never be fooled!

But the big man loves pulling a fast one all the time. After being appointed Vice President of Zimbabwe, Mphoko, called for a Press conference the other day, for, he so loved media coverage, too. The venue was his lounge at Rainbow Towers (formerly Sheraton Hotel) in his presidential suite, and lo and behold, with the journos ready; cameras set and ready to roll, the Drama King, appeared in his night gown. There he was, all bones in a huge frame, moustache-covered thick lips, yawning from jaw to jaw to the lethargy of sleep, and worse still, when the mouth finally opened, there was no story. Indeed, there was no story. It is called power!

The only good thing is that he is lucky to have a wife, who is in the same cockpit of drama, like him. You remember her handiende stance; refusing to leave the hotel and occupy State residence, saying it was not befitting the status of a vice president? We are told, in one of his trips to China on official duty, his wife refused to board an Audi, the official vehicle they had been allocated by the Chinese. Her argument? Always the same, it was not befitting the status of a vice president. Mphoko could not control her. We are told the Chinese, whose English is not so good, said: “Gudha, gudha madam . . . gudha gudha madam . . .” But she vehemently rejected the Audi until they replaced it.

When Chamisa wet his pants

The past week has not been good for our boy Nero. We have no option, but to wax lyrical that God and the ancestors are not on his side. He wasted two weeks of prayers.

The prayers came to naught! He was outfoxed by Job Sikhala, the party’s dare devil and witless deputy chairperson, who has all, but won the hearts and soul of the Americans as the best sellout. While Nero thought, in his small head, in his warped religious belief, that God was on his side, the opposite was true. While Nero thought he was the best sellout, Job beat him to the job. It is a competition to sellout the heart and soul of Zimbabwe. We are told when pictures of Sikhala drinking coffee with US embassy officials leaked, Nero wet his pants. He almost jumped out of his skin. For minutes, we are told, his mouth went agape, his forehead covered in perpetrated wrinkles and his valves leaked. Job had delivered a below the belt blow.

Since then, both guys have murdered sleep. We are told no one is sleeping. Another undignified character, Tendai Biti or ‘Mbiti’, as they call him, is siding with Sikhala and together they have started a journey to wrestle power from poor Nero. And, Nero knows that these two rogue characters are not Thokozani Khupe. They are rogue and can do anything to wrestle power from him. What with the past experience, where even founding party father, Morgan Tsvangson, failed to contain the two? Massive back-biting, mudslinging and witch-hunting have taken centre stage, as divisions rock the Alliance of sellouts.

Selous Scouts back in a Gonyeti

So the chubby one, thinks everything is about skits? Dry comedy is when one tries his or her luck and no one laughs. But this is, indeed, not a dry joke. Samantha Kureya, also known in the sector of people who follow ‘funnies’, as Gonyeti, itself a sobriquet that speaks to her chunky frame, says she was abducted from her home in Mufakose, by armed men.

But we are not blind to the fact that MDC is home to Rhodesian Selous Scouts like David Coltart. Those are Rhodesian tactics and it is the work of the MDC-Alliance. We are not a people of yesterday. After losing on demonstrations front, the creepy scouts known for disguise, abduction and masterminding disappearances of people are at work; all to tarnish the image of the Government, like they used to do in Rhodesia, blaming it on liberation fighters.

Gonyeti is looking for enemies on the wrong side. The enemy is within. The enemy follows her anti-Government skits and attack to push the blame on the Government. This is a new MDC-A tactic. You know that in the near future we are going to have many stage-managed attacks attributed to the Government. Watch out for the Selous Scouts.

These are going to be throughout the country. They look at people perceived anti-Government and attack them. The scheme is to tarnish the image of the Government. Honestly, which Government can attack a small fly like Gonyeti?

To suggest that the Government is involved is mere hallucination. It is a skit gone into a dream, and trying to prey on the current stand-off between the Government and rogue MDC-Alliance elements. Using armed forces to abduct a chubby comedian is akin to using a hammer on a fly. It is not worth it. Can someone tell David Coltart, that Rhodesian Selous Scout to stop it?

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