Ruth Butaumocho Gender Forum
IN HAPPIER TIMES . . . Sharon Macheso and husband Kudakwashe Munetsi tied the knot only two months ago, but they are now frequenting the courts like it’s one of their honeymoon spots
THE debacle between Sharon Macheso and Kuda Munetsi finally came to an end last week after the courts granted Sharon a protection order, with the two parties agreeing to communicate over the phone.
The two are officially on separation barely three months after their wedding, which hogged the limelight and was described by some sections of the media as “splendid”. But it appears they were already having problems well before they tied the knot and decided to have the public event, which could have been a show for friends and family.
It must have been a relief to Sharon, who according to her court submissions, had endured several bashings from her husband, a sudden turn of events from a man whom she had dated for 10 years before they decided to tie the knot.
Her court application and subsequent court order becomes yet another statistic of another woman who had to use the law to address a domestic issue, as violence in relationships continue to rise.
Suffice to say the problem is growing, despite Governments and other stakeholder’s concerted efforts to curb the problem.
It’s sad though that society seems to be turning a blind eye to hundreds of women who are also abusing their husbands, partners and other men in society for various reasons, and eventually rush to get protection from the law when the heat is on.
While I am not privy to all the details between Munetsi and Sharon, and neither can I claim to be an expert in the matter, both parties were abusing each other, but Sharon was smart enough to seek legal recourse.
Munetsi could have come out guns blazing in court, accusing Sharon of also perpetrating abuse in the relationship, but he did not see Sharon’s actions amounting to abuse although all the tell-tale signs were there that Sharon was emotionally abusing her husband.
While giving evidence in court, Munetsi acknowledged that Sharon would sometimes become moody and aggressive and would only calm down after getting snuff from her ambuya.
To Munetsi, her irrational, aggressive and moody behaviour could not amount to abuse. It had to be a clap, push, thump and a black eye, to qualify as abuse. Surely, there were no physical signs on Munetsi to show that he was also abused by Sharon, but I bet he is also a victim of emotional abuse, a form of abuse that Zimbabweans are yet to acknowledge.
The stereotype of an abusive relationship is that of a man physically beating a woman as was the picture that was portrayed of Munetsi. But society has to acknowledge that there is a growing trend of women who emotionally and even physically abuse men.
In fact, there is a big percentage of men who are being abused in their relationships, but are not seeking recourse at the courts for fear of being labelled “sissies” and “unmanly”.
Although there are no statistics to assert how many men are abused, hundreds of men in Zimbabwe and the region are frequently invisible victims of relationship abuse. When society thinks of an abusive relationship, it often defaults to the idea of a woman as the victim, and the man as the perpetrator. Hardly does society conjure up images of women as abusers in any way. Far from being real, the idea itself becomes almost comical and is often regarded as a fallacy.
But despite the jokes and cartoons about the henpecked husbands, more men than before are being abused in their relationships, even though society and the men themselves don’t consider themselves as victims of abusive relationships.
Rather than acknowledge that they are in an abusive relationship, the majority of men often try to come up with excuses for their wives and their partners, by saying its mere nagging, she is strong willed, harsh, argumentative and really had a tough childhood. But there are a lot of people, who really had raw upbringings in our midst, but they don’t take it on other adults.
Even when the level of emotional abuse becomes very irrational and aggressive, with the woman eventually slapping the man during the heat of the moment, not many men will see it as a sign of abuse, but as mere irrational moments that women sometimes go through. Denying your wife or husband conjugal rights is in itself a form of abuse. Failing to provide for your family, wife or husband economically when you are mandated by law or as a mutual agreement is also categorised as a form of abuse. Unless society begins to regard the abuse of men as a problem, domestic violence will continue to increase unabated, what with some women playing the victim card, when the law should be reigning on them for their wayward behaviour.
What it also means that men will continue to suffer in silence and some of the abuse cases will eventually manifest in serious problems resulting in death of affected parties.
There is need for a paradigm shift in how the media and other stakeholders portray both men and women in their awareness messages on domestic violence. Rather than perpetuate stereotypes where women are regarded as victims of brutal bashing, spotting black eyes, let’s have men opening up on their own experiences at the hands of women.
By playing up these dynamics, we are not ignoring the plight of women when it comes to gender based violence, but we are acknowledged the multi-faceted nature of the problem.
My heart bleeds when I hear stories of women who are being bashed, maimed or even killed in different cases of domestic violence taking place right across Zimbabwe and the region.
It is within the same spirit that the nation should also look at the problem of men who are in abusive relationships.