How to deal with commitment challenges Relationship success and ultimate commitment takes some work from both partners

Laina Makuzha

Love by Design

We last discussed some of the pointers that could help you figure if you suffer from commitment resentment or commit phobia.

As per promise in last week’s edition, we continue this week.

More signs include feeling emotionally detached from your partner. Relationship success and ultimate commitment takes some work from both partners. 

So if you find that you lack  emotional attachment to your partner, this might be a sign that your fear of commitment is holding you back from establishing a solid, trusting, mutual relationship.

There’s a specie notorious for such removed, no strings attached kind of relationships. The more  you feel attached to a relationship, the more you’re likely to put in the work because the relationship really matters to you, you don’t take your partner for granted.

Not feeling any kind of emotional connection with the “partner”  might mean that you’d be OK if things ended anytime, which can be a sign of a commitment issue. You might know of the different cases where two people interested in marriage, have been affected by fear of commitment. 

The good news is, as long as there’s a desire to achieve long term relationship, fully committed, it can be done. Where there’s a will there’s always a way.

So if you don’t have any of these signs and any other that relate to fear of commitment and yet there’s stagnancy in the relationship — where it doesn’t seem to be going in the direction you expected, perhaps you could check if your partner might be experiencing the jitters. 

I would hasten to say this should be done within reason and approached with caution, without accusation or confrontational attitude but just seeking answers together really, seeking common ground, with the aim of simply getting past the hurdle which is like a bump on the road to your happy place in the relationship.  

You can  pick some tell-tale signs such as they’re hesitant to talk about the future. After you’ve been with someone, at some point, it’s natural to begin thinking about the next steps. This is more so if the relationship is seemingly solid, and you enjoy being together, the future of your healthy relationship is likely to be on your mind as well.

Maybe you’ve been waiting for that “where-we-are-going” conversation to be held, but you see there’s just no reciprocation. Maybe your partner is openly resistant to defining things, as indeed there are people who would rather leave things undefined and just leaving the relationship to “work itself out” in any direction.

They might say “why do you wanna spoil things by defining what it is? Or accuse you of trying to fix something that’s not broken”. If any of this describes what’s going on in your partnership, you may be in a relationship with someone who just isn’t ready to be as serious as you might need them to be, or someone who has commitment issues. 

It does happen in relationships that you may find yourselves not on the same page. However that shouldn’t be a train smash if both partners are willing to be honest about it and decide on a way forward, whether that means together, building on the relationship further, or amicably going separate ways as per choice. 

I would always advocate for couples to do their best in making it work, but if truth be told, you can never force someone to love you —  there are times when the situation calls for a clean, happy goodbye.

Another sign that could spell commitment fear or lack of interest could be that they don’t seem invested. If your partner doesn’t seem to want to make long-term plans for things or events that are far out in the future, this can be a tell-tale sign of a commitment issue.

Yet another signal that commitment may be a problem is if your partner knows all your friends, but you don’t know any of theirs. 

Finally, there’s a less obvious signal, but it’s one you should pay attention to nonetheless. If you’re in a relationship with someone who initially seems excited about things — like taking a trip together, or anything else that could be significant in terms of getting to the next level — but then they come up with excuses or cancel plans, you might want to have a deeper conversation about what may be going on.

They have a hard time sharing or opening up. When two people are committed to one another, as the relationship progresses, they learn about one another. If you feel like you haven’t really gotten to know your partner’s past, or their experiences as a child, or even their goals for the future, it may be because they are deliberately holding back or they have commitment fears that prevent them from truly opening up and trusting you.

Another reason I came across was: they don’t respond to messages, texts, or calls. This one however, can be tricky because there are certain personalities that just don’t love texting or talking on the phone. They could be busy, meanwhile texting takes too much of their time. 

Still, if you notice a pattern of your partner going a long time before responding to you, they may be emotionally unavailable and unable to commit in the ways you need.

And here “long time” may be relative  but a week, or two or more, of no comms is hardly justifiable in a serious relationship when neither partner is in a life threatening crisis. We’ve talked about ghosting in this column before, the response was unbelievable, of people going through the pain of being ghosted by someone they loved and felt the same way about them.

They don’t seem to include you in future plans. If you’ve noticed that you’re with someone who talks about their future, but those plans don’t really include you, you may want to think about their motivation for your future relationship.

They may simply be putting up a wall to protect themselves because they don’t expect that you’ll be dating long-term. Experts say commitment issues can stem from a host of reasons. 

Understanding the root causes can help in overcoming most, if not all, of the fears that are related to committing — as long as both parties are willing to work together.

Says Talkspace therapist Dr Reshawan Chapple: “Commitment issues are caused by fear. Fear of being suffocated, fear of being hurt, fear of settling for the wrong person, fear of missing out, etc. It can also be a result of a trauma from a bad relationship or coming from a family with unhealthy boundaries. This causes the individual to question their relationship choices and always feel vulnerable and unsure of themself.”

Reasons such as not being with the right person, desire for safety and security in a relationship, finding monogamy difficult, self sabotaging tendencies, fear of change — were amongst those given as causing reluctance or fear to commit. 

Due to the various backgrounds people have, fear of commitment for some, is not necessarily a negative trait, but can be seen as a cushion against getting hurt for instance in the case of someone being with the wrong person. Their fear of commitment in this case, would actually save them future pain.

One of the reasons  I found intriguing was “self-sabotage” where there  are many people who subconsciously self-sabotage when anything good comes their way. 

“This can be due to a childhood where good things never happened, or where good things ended too quickly. Growing up with a depressed or alcoholic parent, you learn time and again that most interactions are unpredictable and often don’t end well. 

In adulthood, you may shy away from a relationship that feels too good, because you fear the other proverbial shoe may drop,” says Dr Chapple.

Full story on: www.herald.co.zw

Tips on conquering  commitment issues

If commitment issues are throwing spanners in your relationship, it can be depressing or scary thinking about the future. However, with hard work and dedication, overcoming commitment issues is possible. 

Individual therapy — A good therapist can help you identify your commitment issues. 

Couples therapy — If your partner is willing, couples therapy can be a wonderful way to build a stronger relationship that’s based on trust and communication. Both of these things are instrumental in overcoming commitment issues.

Communication — It might sound funny, but communication is a skill that we could all get better at. Especially if you know that you have issues with trust and commitment, learning how to talk to your partner and open up to them, explaining why you’re feeling the way you are, can really allow both of you to get to a better place.

Practice — What practice can do for you is not necessarily yield perfection but progress. If you’re willing to put in the time to make your relationship succeed, you can practice together to develop habits that will reinforce your commitment to one another. Try making plans together for small things but stick with it, like a simple date, then try planning ahead for next month, and challenge yourself to keep those plans.

As for your partner,  they should try to understand why they have a fear of commitment. This will allow them to make strides towards overcoming their fear.

Be understanding — Try not to judge or criticise your partner once they open up to you. Make every effort to understand their inability to commit.

Stay in the present — Don’t focus on what you need or want from your partner in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years from now. Rather, stay in the present. Work on today and be prepared to begin the work again tomorrow.

Acknowledge growth — When you see improvements, acknowledge them — very important to appreciate your partner’s efforts.

Be patient — Recovery takes time. It won’t happen overnight. That’s OK. Be patient and trust that as long as your partner is putting in the work, you can get to a place where you’re both confident, comfortable, and happy.

If you believe in love and really want your relationship at any stage, to work, I’m rooting for you as your biggest cheer leader. 

With faith, an open heart and  concerted efforts, love works, love builds, love blossoms and its beautiful — it can be for you. I’m ever challenged by the biblical description of love in 1 Corinthians 13v4-8. Let’s keep the conversation going, as you might know by now, I so love to hear your thoughts and views on  anything we discuss here in efforts to promote more love, great mental health, stronger relationships and stronger families at large.

Whatsapp: +263719102572/Twitter:@Ledisoul/Email: [email protected]

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