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Laina Makuzha

Love by Design

 Whenever its beginning of the year, for some it’s just another year, for others there’s that excitement of a new slate, some sort of new lease of life to try once more at the things that worked and do better in other areas of life. 

Yet for someone somewhere, it’s the year they hope to commit in their relationship or get married. However, not all who have this goal in their plans, find it easy to see it to fruition, owing to many factors. 

In some cases it is you just not getting on with it, in other cases it is your partner stalling but without clear reasons. 

If you find yourself in this predicament, and would like to understand why as well as get past it — this article might just be for you.  You or your partner might be experiencing fear of commitment, or commitment anxiety. 

Commitment phobia contributes largely to some people’s reasons for preferring serial dating, which has no future plans with any of the people they date. 

Oftentimes commitment issues cause untold strain in a close relationship. Understanding the signs and knowing more about what causes that fear to commit to intimacy, can be a key step towards overcoming these issues in your relationship and achieving your relationship goals.

How to identify commitment issues

So perhaps you were ready last year, to go to the next level but somehow it didn’t happen, or you’ve seen delays drag on for some years yet you were ready. Relationship experts say if you happen to be that person, someone in a sound relationship, feeling like you’re ready to take the next step, but your romantic partner seems to be developing cold feet, or it’s you holding back, it might be time to discuss what the commitment issues are really about. 

“At the most basic level, commitment issues mean one person is hesitant or afraid to take a relationship to the next level. Often commitment issues may show up when one person’s ready to commit on a higher level — for example, deciding to become monogamous, getting engaged, moving in together, planning a vacation together, or otherwise planning anything in the future together. 

The core root of “commitment issues” is an unwillingness to allow a relationship to progress to the next level,” says Clinical Psychologist, Dr Samantha Rodman

Commitment issues can be paralysing and can ruin a perfectly beautiful relationship. So while knowing you have commitment issues in relationships is important, it is also helpful to know the causes and what to do about it all, in order to move forward and have an even more fulfilling relationship. 

Talkspace therapist Dr  Reshawan Chapple says commitment issues stem from fear. “Fear of being suffocated, fear of being hurt, fear of settling for the wrong person, fear of missing out, etc. It can also be a result of a trauma from a bad relationship or coming from a family with unhealthy boundaries. 

This causes the individual to question their relationship choices and always feel vulnerable and unsure of themself.”

Commitment issues can be complex, painful and can affect even those already in long-term intimate romantic relationships. They can also apply to previously-single people just getting onto the dating scene.

If you find it difficult to commit to someone, or something, there may be underlying causes that you can identify and address, though not necessarily easy to do, as these can also involve more than just the romantic area of your life, with some sufferers also finding it hard to commit to work, a place, or anything that requires them to put down roots.

“Recognising signs of commitment issues in yourself can be a challenge and you need to really look at yourself and your habits and patterns in an open and honest way, and that can be hard. It can also pay off if you’re looking to change your life and find a deeper, more meaningful, lasting connection with your romantic partner, says Dr Rodman. 

“Signs of commitment issues include the inability to make meaningful connections, difficulty reading emotions and making adjustments for your partner, difficulty compromising, it is ultimately the inability to see yourself in a relationship.”

Dr Rodman offers some signs that I found intriguing, that she says  could mean that your commitment anxiety and issues are interfering in your close relationship:

You avoid thinking about the future of your romantic relationships commitment. 

If you make a concerted effort not to think about the long-term look of your relationship, you may have a commitment issue or commitment anxiety. 

Being present, in the here and now, has its benefits, but if you’re either unwilling to, or truly just cannot, see a future stage or next steps in your healthy relationship, this might suggest a fear of commitment.

You don’t want to have a serious partner. Casually dating doesn’t necessarily mean you have a commitment phobia. Where it can become a problem is if you find that you feel the need to end things rather than let them progress, for reasons you’re not quite clear on.

You avoid making plans. Does making plans far out in the future feel stressful? Would you rather wait until Friday morning to make plans for Friday night? Do you often find that your responses to invites sound something like “Maybe! I’ll get back to you…”? Do you tend to want to cancel plans immediately after making them? Dread plans leading up to the date you committed to?

Sometimes when we avoid making plans, it can mean we’re “just not that into“ someone. It’s when you’re feeling like you don’t want to make plans even though you actually do like them, though, that your issue may be more related to a fear of commitment than to your feelings.

You feel trapped or nervous if a partner seems to be ready to take the next steps. If your partner expressing a deepening love or showing you signs of affection and intimacy makes you feel nervous or uneasy, there may be something more going on. This can be one of the more confusing signs of commitment phobia, because you may not always understand what’s happening.

You might even feel fleeting moments of excitement or happiness when a partner says something like “I love you” for the first time, but if this ultimately ends up making you feel anxious in the long run, you might have a fear of commitment.

You spend an exorbitant amount of time questioning your relationship commitment.. Sometimes you spend time thinking about the future of your relationship and you have strong feelings, yet you continuously question your partner or your partnership. Do you find that you ask yourself if they really care about you, or what’s going to happen next, or do you really want this relationship to work? You might be self-sabotaging. 

While it can be normal to question a relationship from time to time, doing so to the extent that it’s causing you emotional distress or interfering in your relationship might be a sign of your fear of commitment. 

In the nest instalment we look at how to deal with these challenges, as well as those you may identify in your partner. 

Ultimately remember being realistic and staying true to who you are, and what it is you want is important in any relationship. 

If the progress is just too slow, or you see uncommunicated delays, or if you aren’t seeing enough growth, it may be well worth your time to just be honest. 

It’s OK to admit that you’re not happy, so that you address it together.  You need to honour each other’s needs in a relationship and its success takes both your efforts. 

If you can relate or know someone experiencing these challenges or just have tips and thoughts on this, let’s keep the discussion going.

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