Choosing a life partner should be a careful process Choosing the right partner from the beginning is a key factor in carving the happiness so desired in marriage

Right life partner key to long term marriage success

Laina Makuzha Love by Design

We read almost daily of cases of many couples at logger heads, either failing to get along for some reason, to the point of threatening the sanctity of their marriage, or being surprised/shocked by seemingly wayward behaviour, infidelity or violence by their partners. 

While it might seem entertaining for some netizens, it just isn’t funny to see how marriage and relationships seem less and less treasured. Blackmailing one another, cyber bullying of exes and gender based violence are the order of the day. 

It could have been less of a concern if it wasn’t real, if there were no broken hearts, physical harm, or if there were no children bearing the brunt of these predicaments.

But what is causing all this strife in marriages, if two people once loved each other to the point of seeing a whole future together, what went wrong? There are deeper issues we could never exhaust in one go.

 We do know no one is perfect, even while getting into a new relationship. So where is the problem? I often say couples should consider going back to where they started, remind each other what brought them together, the goals they had at the time, the dreams and plans they shared. 

This can be done even in happy times, but might also help in the cases where somehow a couple is finding it harder to get along or where the relationship is at the brink of collapse. And getting it to work is definitely not that simple  but it is possible. 

However, wouldn’t it be even better that perhaps before tying the note, couples made sure they are with the right partner, one whom they are prepared to be with for life?

I’ve observed how things have changed rapidly in the area of relationships, with a gap between generations in terms of  values. Once upon a time, marriage was really a coveted “achievement” in life, an actualisation of some sort- one that many little boys and girls made the subject of “mahumbwe”, a childhood game which involved much role playing and make-believe.

Back then it was more common for the whole family to kind of weigh in on the choice of a partner, or have some say. Today it’s all about one’s personal choice it seems, never mind what advice family leaders or spiritual leaders may have, or may see as amiss in the chosen partner. I don’t even know if they should have a say, all I know is sometimes, if everyone around you who cares about you genuinely sees red flags that you don’t see in the chosen partner — traitss that could jeopardise your union in the long run — perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to pay some attention and check it out for yourself and find the right ways of addressing such issues before you are in too deep.

But even back then some young people fought for their love, refusing to take advice against marrying that particular one. It worked well for them, well, sometimes. But in more cases than not, the elders would have their “I told you so” moment because back then it seemed true to say “Miromo yevakuru haiwiri pasi”. Somewhere along the relationship or marriage, issues would arise that probably could have been avoided much earlier in the relationship, had the advice been heeded.

While some put the blame for the onslaught on the marriage institution, on the influence of TV shows and the advent of increased social media, or just “falling out of love with time”, I reckon choosing the right partner from the beginning is a key factor in carving the happiness so desired in marriage.

The person we look to for instant passion, an immediate spark or excitement, is not always the same person we would be happy sharing our lives with for the long-term. With this in mind, it’s safe to assume that one major reason that finding lasting love proves such a challenge, is that the qualities we seek in a partner aren’t always those that lead to enduring intimacy.

What happens is the right person for you will make you feel safe and peaceful. You also feel comfortable, and spending time with them will make you forget all the hardships life throws at you. Generally, meeting the love of your life makes you feel that you’ve just made the best decision. When you have this person, don’t take them for granted.

Indeed, the reasons for “falling in love” may be a mystery, but the reasons for staying in love are far less elusive. We might all have different ideas on what makes a great partner, but I found these to be worth considering: Honesty and integrity, maturity, respect and independence, affection, sense of humour, openness and empathy. It is also worthwhile to consider family history, how they manage anger, how they handle finances, generosity and more.

Ability to cope with your family or to adjust and accommodate that family, is also important, as much as a partner who is interested on your life  and is supportive of your personal growth and development. 

A good quality in a life partner is their ability to forgive, or their maturity, emotionally or otherwise. Being “grown up” isn’t merely a matter of not acting like a kid anymore. It’s not about a husband who remembers to take out the trash or a wife who never runs late. 

These qualities are great, but to truly grow up means making an active effort to recognise and resolve negative influences from our past. An ideal partner is thus willing to reflect on his or her history and is interested in understanding how old events inform current behaviours.

The bottom line is everyone deserves to be happy by whatever personal definition of happiness and I propose to you that this can be done without hurting other people or hurting the ones we purportedly love.

 Think through your actions before deciding to settle down, choose your partner wisely and with good motives and when you choose to marry, you are agreeing to share your life — it’s a choice that will from time to time call on you to  be willing to do some compromising and to realise it can no longer be all about just you.

Marriage is a give and take, with a lot more giving than taking, with many tests and demands. It’s therefore important to be with the right partner to withstand the tests and trials of life.  Understand your role in the marriage before getting into it, but if already in it, you can always take the initiative to learn more. 

Experiences in the marriage and those from trusted sources, can help a couple make things better.  If you are planning marriage right now, please pay attention to those that give counsel to young couples before tying the knot. Allow yourselves to learn some important aspects about marriage before you get there, rather than just dive in blindly and getting the shock of your life when it turns out completely different from your expectations or perception.

We won’t be able to exhaust this topic in this edition, especially the qualities to look for in a life partner. Let’s keep the conversation going in the meantime. I would love to hear your views and experiences on this and other topics we have covered. For those who participate in Valentine, it’s just a couple of weeks away. What are you planning to celebrate love and each other or your loved ones in general? If not into all that, it’s all good. We all have our different preferences, with some arguing that they celebrate love everyday. Kudos to you if you do.

Comments and views: Whatsapp:263719102572/Email: [email protected]/Twitter: @Ledisoul

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