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Now and then, I like to check the temperature of our “love barometer”, so to speak. How ready, willing, and fit are you for love? It is a question that delves into our hearts and minds, urging us to reflect on how lovable we are as individuals.

This week, let’s take that journey together to examine the traits that can enhance or hinder our capacity to love and be loved. Moreover, let’s cultivate gratitude for those who remain patient and loving towards us despite our flaws.

No matter how loving we may think we are, there’s need to evaluate ourselves now and then. Notably, there are traits in life that we need to watch out for in ourselves — characteristics that can drive people away and undermine our relationships if left unchecked. We have touched on some of them before such as a bad temper.

Temper: Are you quick to anger and slow to forgive? An uncontrolled temper can cause significant harm to relationships. When anger flares, it can lead to words and actions we later regret.

Jealousy and envy: Do you distrust others, fearing abandonment? These feelings, while arguably inevitable for some people for various reasons,  can push a partner away if excessive and unfounded.

Competitive spirit: Are you the type of person who is constantly comparing, striving to outdo your partner or other people?  While healthy competition is good in some settings, a constant need to outdo others can create distance and resentment in your relationship. If you are a competitive individual, just check yourself not to.

Unteachable spirit: Do you reject constructive feedback? Kune vamwe vanotozikanwa in families that they will not take anyone’s advice no matter how good. Hapana anomudzora, kana kumugona. But refusing to learn or accept feedback stunts personal growth and strains relationships quite evidently.

Paranoia and cynicism: These traits breed distrust and can make it difficult for others to connect with us genuinely.

Gas-lighting: This manipulative behaviour can severely damage others’ sense of reality and trust, dismissing and distorting other people’s perceptions so that they lose their confidence and constantly doubt themselves when interacting with you.

Unforgiveness: Holding onto grudges keeps wounds fresh and prevents healing. Could this be something standing in the way of your happiness in love?

Harsh judgment: Quick criticism alienates others and shuts down open communication, especially since it seems to go hand in hand with being slow to understand where others are coming from. There are comments you might make to your partner, that can cut so deep that it becomes quite the mission just for the other person to recover from  —  whether husband or wife, lover, or family member.  Some people say they do it without really thinking, so regularly evaluating how one communicates with others can help nip such traits in the bud.

Narcissistic tendencies: Self-centred can make it difficult to form deep and meaningful connections with a potential partner or a spouse. If you know yourself that this is an area that beats you, Let go of extreme Self-centredness. Show a little more care for the next person and see what a difference that can make. In its extreme state, one might need to consider some kind of therapy to manage or overcome the trait.

6. Paranoia: Are you inclined to chronic scepticism, dismissing others’ kindness, with unwarranted suspicion of others?  Excessive mistrust and assumption of negative intentions can ruin relationships, by pushing away the love given to us.

Reflecting on these traits brings us to a place of humility and self-awareness. Recognising our shortcomings is the first step towards improvement. As we work on ourselves, it is crucial to be grateful for those who love us despite our flaws. Their patience and love are gifts we should cherish deeply.

For the next week, commit to:

Daily reflection: Identify one trait you would like to improve.

Journalling: Record instances where you exhibit these traits.

Mindfulness: Practice self-compassion when you catch yourself.

Gratitude practice: Thank those who patiently love and support you. To help with self-reflection, my challenge to you dear reader is:

Daily reflection: Take a few minutes each day to reflect on your interactions. Identify one trait you would like to improve. Did you display any of the negative traits mentioned above? How can you improve tomorrow?

Gratitude journal: Each day, write down something you appreciate about the people who are patient with you and love you.

Feedback loop: Ask a trusted friend or partner to provide honest feedback on your behaviour and be open to their insights.

Forgiveness practice: Each week, consciously forgive someone who has wronged you, no matter how small the issue.

Affirmation and encouragement: Make it a habit to affirm and encourage those around you daily. Choose to give positive energy and see how you can change the atmosphere.

Biblical wisdom

I find the Bible offers profound insights into the nature of love and self-improvement. I picked the following verses that can help guide in this topic:

1. “The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” – James 3:5 (NIV).  Reflect on the power of your words. This verse reminds us of the power of our words and the need to speak with kindness and love.

2. “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”  Ephesians 4:26 (NIV) This passage emphasises the importance of resolving conflicts quickly and not harbouring anger. Address conflicts promptly, don’t let resentment simmer .” 

So address conflicts promptly, don’t let resentment simmer. 

3. “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34 (NIV) This command from Jesus highlights the need to love others as He loves us—unconditionally and sacrificially. Embody God’s love, extending kindness and compassion.

Dr Harriet Lerner, a clinical psychologist and author of “The Dance of Anger”, emphasises the importance of managing our anger to maintain healthy relationships. As we work through our relationships, it is crucial to constantly evaluate how lovable we are as individuals, not just look at where we have been wronged. Sometimes we will have played a part, good or bad,  in the outcome or status of the relationship.  By identifying and addressing traits that drive people away, and by cultivating gratitude for those who love us, we can foster stronger, more meaningful connections.

As you embark on this self-reflection journey, remember that lovability is not about perfection but progress. Be gentle with yourself, and grateful for those who love and support you.

If you are one of those who write in each week, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Your feedback inspires growth and understanding. Together, let’s raise the temperature of our love barometer.

Until next week,

Lets keep the conversation going. Send your insights, challenges, or triumphs on: WhatsApp:+263719102572 or email [email protected]