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Laina Makuzha Love by Design

When a dear sister of mine casually asked me to consider Breast Cancer Month in my writing about relationships, little did she know she challenged me to think about the subject in a way I hadn’t looked at it before and that was to say: What’s love got to do with it – really? 

Breast  cancer awareness has been described as a global effort to raise awareness.

October has been designated as the Pink Month, where efforts are consolidated, to educate those concerned about the disease, including early identification on signs and symptoms associated with breast cancer. 

Throughout each year when different causes are commemorated, I like to think of what part  I can play to help raise awareness. And in the month of October in which breast cancer awareness takes centre stage, there is much we can do in families, in work places and in communities, to participate in  raising awareness in our small ways that altogether go a long way. There is sometimes a tendency to be concerned with matters that affect us directly, or be more sympathetic or apathetic towards situations that have touched  “close to home”. 

But life happens and unsolicited body changes sometimes occur in so many different ways, weight loss, weight gain, loss of limbs and such. And so it is with breast cancer treatment, it can result in various body changes that include hair loss, loss of a breast (in women),  body scars, skin changes, and weight changes. 

Depending on the individual, all these changes can have a negative impact including on a damper on one’s self-esteem. I’ve found that love is truly a key ingredient to healing.

Writes Dr Cythia Haik:  “Love helps boost self-esteem, which leads to better self-care and happiness. Self-love is important because when you love yourself, you are much more likely to engage in activities that contribute to better nutrition and physical fitness, and less likely to make unhealthy lifestyle choices”. 

Adding on the benefits of love to the healing process she says: “In fact, love encourages your body to produce oxytocin, the “feel-good” or “love” hormone.  Oxytocin can reduce overall stress and improve the immune system, which in turn decreases cell death and inflammation.”

Body changes and body shaming 

Nowadays commenting on another person’s appearance is all too frequent and common. In some cases, people are actively encouraged to judge whether they think someone looks good or bad in what they’re wearing or how they look — and it can all seem pretty innocent. We’ve seen it on social media, in magazines and various other platforms. But some of these comments can be hurtful, and in marriages this has caused a type of pain only understood by the receiver of the comments.  

Lifeworks.com which is all about transforming lives puts it this way:  “It is time to refrain from posting hurtful comments onto a public forum, where even the person being discussed can see them, and end body shaming.

Body shaming is defined as the act of making inappropriate and negative comments about another person’s weight or size. Frequently, this is something that overweight people are subjected to but there’s an increasing trend in criticising those who look  “too skinny”.

 Couples sometimes find themselves in this trap of body shaming. But its possible to change this narrative. With more awareness of what you say to your partner going through body changes, you can stop body shaming others or yourself for that matter because everyone has bad days and times when they feel they would like to change something about themselves. 

Accept who you are rather than condemning yourself for it. If you’re around people who are moaning about their appearance, your spouses —  rather walk away and do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Love who you are, love who your spouse is.

Another way to help stop body shaming is simply to not join in bashing others. Have you ever encountered body shaming where, if truth be told,  you might also be guilty of joining in, possibly without even realising it? A really cool approach is, if you don’t have kind words or something positive or constructive to say — it may be best avoid making negative comments altogether.

Accepting those changes or coming to terms with them. 

While it may not be easy to accept the changes that come with breast cancer, learning about each one and finding ways to cope can help. Partners of a loved one with breast cancer or any condition for that matter, can play a pivotal role in offering support and love. Friends, other family members, medical staff  and colleagues all form part of the support system and each one can find some way to make the transition easier for the survivor. If you are a spouse, together with your loved one, can research on the illness which will help you understand how to manage it. 

Some three weeks back we actually carried a story on this page, offering tips to spouses of individuals struck with illness in general. I believe there were tips there that ring true today, for any illness in the home. The article link is  https://www.herald.co.zw/tips-to-keep-your-relationship-solid-during-a-serious-illness/

Love note to breast cancer survivor

 If you are reading this and are a  breast cancer survivor — know this: You are not alone. You are loved. Whether you have just found out and may not know what to expect or do, or you have been in the battle for longer, there are resources available that will help you continue to live your best life. If you have beaten it — you have a story to share with someone who needs it. 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, your beauty, your value is never depleted because of any changes that may come with it. 

As sure as night follows day, there’s more to you than the outward appearance that the world may see. Accepting your new appearance is a process and an important step in your recovery. You are beautiful, you matter, you are loved. And you can share your experience, your victories, your journey with loved ones

Suggestions  to help you adapt to changes 

For the partner

When you love someone, treat them as such. If your partner has changed or if they are just the way they are but you have not been appreciating, consider changing and being more supportive — it will improve the quality of your lives together.

Please stop body shaming, it is dangerous to overall wellness especially mental health. Choose love and kindness and check your motives when you comment. 

There is a difference between wanting to help your partner live a healthier lifestyle and plain meanness, malice and insensitivity. A change in body shape and size, while not necessarily easy to understand or accept,  doesn’t have to be the reason to ruin your relationship, or your partner’s self worth as long as you both love each other. 

Explore through asking medical experts important questions and other trusted resources such as www.un.org.

In this “pink month” there are organisations offering free breast cancer screening and you can encourage your spouse, sisters, moms, colleagues, to go for screening, find out where, or better still take them there if you are in a position to do so. The conversation does not stop here: 

Feedback: mymrealtalk.co.zw;/Whatsapp: 0719102572