BAR TALK: Of really ugly legs and dangerous matrimony

BAR TALK: Of really ugly legs and dangerous matrimony

IPAD 2With Bra Gee
Facetime for water
We always thought there was something fishy about the current lot of representatives at Town House with all their protestations of how they would rid us of the evils brought in by that bunch of ineptitudes who head that citadel.

Then the City of Harare mayor’s gush about iPads for councillors has really restored our faith in human nature: A politician’s first duty is to serve number one at the expense of the people they represent. While we suffer stinking toilets and unwashed bodies this weekend, 11 councillors are busy playing Candy Crush on the spanking brand new iPads.

So now we can resignedly resign ourselves to rugged roads, arid silence from water taps and uncollected refuse while our representatives happily shop on Amazon with the allowances that they get from the money that we pay for services not rendered! This is exactly what we expected from them. And now that the bug of conspicuous spending has bitten them, and they have tasted the joy of spending public money, we are sure that this is the last that we will hear them say anything against the executive.

The view that never was
Many regulars are rightly angry with us. We did sound the trumpet rather loudly and roused many from their hangover-induced somnolence with the promise for views to die for at the much touted Miniskirt March. But there was nothing to see as the marchers were dressed in knee length skirts and trousers! So why disturb our morning after the night before, the people are asking.

We are not going to comment on the calibre of the bodies in the march, but we really thought that we were going to see some model types strutting around the congested commuter omnibus ranks.

A little bird had even whispered that Bev and Zoey would be there to support the skirt up campaign. But no such luck. So if you missed this one, count yourself lucky.

Too good a friend?
With all the leaked WhatsApp messages about sex, sex, sex and more sex being all the rage in Harare we are not really surprised to hear that STIs have gone viral in the city.

We have laughed until tears rolled down our cheeks and into our drinks at all the evidence of how seemingly intelligent people with valid occupations seem to somehow always find time to sneak into the bedroom for gelfies (genital selfies) to send to their allies in fornication.

And why are we not surprised that it is those who are in the institution of matrimony by any name who have mostly been bitten?

We have always wondered why Zimbabwean women think that a few cows and a piece of paper make them better than their peers. But now they know that they can be as hypocritical as they like on the outside but as soon as they take their clothes off, they are worse than the flesh peddlers at the avenues.

Lust is obviously in the air and who fears HIV when good friend ARV is just a test away? So let us save all that money that we are spending on condoms which are obviously just being thrown away and give it to the pharmaceutical companies so that they can manufacture a lot of STI cures.

We are really disappointed because we were hoping that the leaders would soon flood the country with the washable and reusable condom shorts which allegedly really do the job, unlike the simple sheath.

When someone suggested that condoms be put in schools there was an uproar as parents resolutely refused to believe that sweet and innocent little Tino could possibly ever want to do the Adam and Eve experiment any time this century.

So now that schools have been turned into bedrooms and delivery wards, will people still insist on trying to perch on non-existent moral high grounds or beg to have condoms dished out at the schools already?

For those not in the know, there is a school in the southern parts of the country where a school girl gave birth in the toilet a few weeks ago. Being a properly brought up young lady she did not think it proper to carry out anything produced from the human body in the toilet so she left the baby in there.

Unfortunately no one had told her about the practical side of the post natal period and the bloody result gave her away.

For that day education as we know it was over a the school as staff had to become emergency aid workers before a summoned ambulance carried mother and child away. Do we have prison hospitals for such juvenile delinquents in the country?

As if that was not enough shame for the school, this past week two students were caught at it in a classroom. A student passing by heard some moans and groans and thought that someone was getting murdered.

It was only when he stuck his peepers on the window that he discovered that it was only la petite mort, and not the real thing.

Just in case you are about to say that it is just one school in the country where the kids have gone lust crazy, there is also the Harare school where students have brazenly posted pictures of themselves getting cozy in the classrooms.

What further evidence do we need before we will admit that the beautiful ones are just no longer being born?

Till next week, bottoms up!

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