Zimpapers Logo

Bra Gee
Open letter to NACZ

Once again the National Arts Merits Awards are just around the corner. It is no secret that Bra Gee and the regulars have not been too impressed by past editions. So bearing in mind that there are still seven days to go, we thought we would open dialogue with the National Arts Council of Zimbabwe on our expectations. That way they will not accuse us of unfair criticism when we express our honest opinion after the event.

First of all, there is a big difference between being artistic and being just clueless when it comes to stage decor. A back drop of black cloth fronted by clay pots and poor lighting for a night event is clueless, full stop. We hope to see better this year. Secondly there is something called chemistry that is essential in a compère and is especially needed when you have two of them. They must click with each other and with the audience.

Thirdly we would like to ask you to make seating arrangements which will enable nominees to stand up and go to the stage without having to jump over other people as though they are in an overloaded kombi. And the spouses on stage just look plain dumb. They are not the award winners and we really do not want to see them there.

We are sure that you have taken due care to make sure that sound, time management, prizes and all other such mundane details are in order. We note that your invitation is specifying formal dress code. May we suggest that you refuse entry to any cretins turning up in wear that is not appropriate, even if they are nominees? We look forward to a truly glamorous event.

Hated, by who?

Bra Gee is unhappy with some Facebook social commentators who have called on us nobodies to stop being paranoid by imagining a hater behind every smart phone. Bra Gee believes that we should all be measured by our own standards and not those of the observer.

So please understand that we come from different places and our measurements of success differ grossly. We know that some of you were entertained with genuine diamond baby rattles as you lay in your water bed baby cots. So you would not think much of the acquisition of anything less than a Dreamliner or an Airbus for personal use. Lucky yous.

We were raised on reed mats and had our bottoms swaddled in torn rags when special visitors from town came calling. Otherwise our bare bottoms were left to the mercies of the foraging chickens. So some of us are the first in our clans and district to buy a car, and for us that Fun Cargo is an achievement. Meanwhile our relatives are not sleeping as they move from place to place in search of charms to destroy our good luck.

So please allow us to celebrate our fortunes and talk about our haters. Do not think that just because we have less than you there are no people who envy us. Do you think that only your fancy car, mansion and flashy clothes are worthy of jealousy?

Microphone demons

Bra Gee has been asked to comment on various issues such as why should the saved hold onto the crotches instead of their hearts and whether skins of mad vagrants glow with such good health underneath their rags. But Bra Gee humbly declines as one not knowledgeable on Christianity dogma and certainly not a dermatologist. But Bra Gee will never stop being amazed at these new wave of demons afflicting the populace these days. These demons are technologically savvy. They will only manifest before a prophet who is in front of a camera and a microphone. The prophet’s holy spirit is also equally publicity conscious and will only come forth when there is a news crew lurking around.

At one church event that Bra Gee stumbled upon on TV some hoary morning after the night before, it appeared as though the holy spirit and the demons had reached an entente cordiale. The demons politely waited to make their presence felt until the prophet had finished his sermon.

Even when they unleashed themselves they took their turn in the queue and waited until the prophet indicated that he was ready to deal with them. And before they were exorcised the demons appeared to listen to the prophet as they would keep quiet while he spoke and replied him when asked questions.

Bra Gee is really impressed and prays that if demons ever visit him they too will wait until he gets to a prophet with microphones and cameras. So now you understand why Bra Gee will not be going to the place of operations of any man of god any time soon. Why would any sane someone go to a place where they keep tame demons to possess those who are importune enough to cross the threshold?

No apology coming

Last weekend the country was on fire as all and sundry sharpened their knives to stab Bra Gee for daring to speak the truth. Many have demanded an apology saying that Zimbabwean women have been dissed. We will stand by our drinks and insist that the truth may hurt but that does not change what it is. But maybe we can clarify our assertion. Nowhere did we say that all Eriterian women are better looking than all Zimbabwean women.

And nowhere did we say all Zimbabwean women are bleached, weaved and over painted. But we insist that many are and we have the highest authorities to back our claims. No one demurred when it was announced that the country spends millions of dollars on importing weaves in a year.

Surely those hair pieces are not ending up on the heads of our dogs and cats. And skin lighteners are openly sold in shops and on the streets. The outcry seems to be a case of senior citizens becoming alarmed when they hear dry bones mentioned in proverbs.

But the key words that most readers missed are ‘beauty queen’. We have previously asserted that the beautiful girls in the country are not stepping up to the ramp so we are not sure that our beauty queens really rule the roost when it comes to being the best that the country can boast of. But they do represent the face of Zimbabwe. If anyone wants to argue with Bra Gee then they are welcome to bring all the beauty queens that this country has crowned over the past five years. We will buy the drinks if you can produce a single one who is not weaved, bleached or over painted or all three. This is the Year of the Master Class and you need a distinction in Truth to pass. #zvazvirindozvazviri

And we also note that while there was an outcry for the supposed beauty slight, not even one activist came out to demand that men keep their money, women would take care of themselves. . .

Click moments

To have lived through the past year into 2016 in Zimbabwe is a singular honour, we tell you. Bra Gee is thinking of asking the proprietor to move the usual place to a place along Rotten Row. We are sure he can charge premium price on drinks on days when there are amazing picture moments to be captured for posterity. It seems to be the only place in Harare where it does not matter how much money you might have in the bank, what office you occupy and what power you yield. That side they have surely designed the ultimate one size-fits-all when it comes to pretending that we are all equal before the law.

Last call: Watch out MCP!

For all the guys who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember that’s where the knives are kept. – laughfactory.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

• Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar, Facebook: Bra Gee