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It was a choice between getting a new cake and dumping the groom before the first anniversary

With Bra Gee
A spanking bride
So the fairy tale marriage has come to an end as the prince turns out to be a frog and the princess refuses to live with an abusive toad.
Somehow we knew it would turn out that way. This was even before the new groom turned up at one of our regular bars to get totally smashed a few hours after the wedding.

Much as we like to think that our conversation is always scintillating and edifying, somehow we find it strange that a man could prefer our company to that of his brand new spanking bride. Only then we did not know that she was actually a spanking bride in so far as the groom was hitting her.

But like we said, we knew that marriage was ill-fated. There was never going to be a way that hideous cake could be inflicted on the public again at some anniversary celebrations. So the bride had two choices really; get a new cake for the anniversary or dump the groom. We lift our drinks to her for making the right choice. Because we really hate listening to whining women talking about how they endure abusive marriages for years as though they are tied to the fist wielding spouses. There is no mileage in proving the adage that uncovering roofs of homes reveals hard eyed men and tormented women, or something like that.

But we have one question, just the one: How did the bride miss out on her groom’s drinking habits during the long courtship? She is as bad as the woman who insisted on dragging a man to the magistrate only for him to leave him immediately after the ceremony and go to the woman that he really loves. Why do women think that a ring and a certificate and a cake displayed to as many guests as possible will turn a frog into a prince? Once a toad always a toad!

And we sure do hope that she is not sweet talked into going back to the fiery matrimonial bed, as we can confidently state that this is one man who will not be repenting his ways. And woe unto the next woman who inherits the bully.

Some of the regulars at the usual place are delighted at the outcome as they reckon that they can step up and comfort the lady. They reckon that as long as they show that they are the opposite of the doomed groom, the king father will be happy to hand over his daughter for a song, in so far as lobola is concerned. And speaking of lobola and the return thereof, what is the verdict here? Should they return anything or should they actually demand more for the bashing?

The student becomes the teacher
We have just heard word that the beleaguered prophet who foresees prophetic visions after the event is now thinking of coming to Zimbabwe to seek spiritual succour from one of his former disciples. Time was when the teacher led and the student followed. At that point the teacher was arrogant to the point of publicly humiliating the follower after the latter presumed to proclaim himself one of the chosen few – at least a follower of the follower had made the claim.

But now the tables have turned and the leader has become an international joke while the follower is growing from strength to strength with 100 000 people vying for the privilege of burning in the sun to just catch sight of the man and hand over whatever they have sweated for the whole week in exchange for his anointed oil.

Meanwhile, the leader has obviously become a prophet with no honour in his own home town and was struggling to pull together a measly 15 000 followers on a Sunday even before disaster struck his fold.

Lucky fish
Why do women always complain about being disempowered and victimised when they seem to have it so good? It looks like lucky women only have to wiggle and wriggle their hips and everything falls plumb into their hands like ripe fruit.

We think women are powerful, if only they could realise it. If you look around in the usual place you will note that almost every man is willing to pay the sisters for a transaction that is supposed to be a pleasure for everyone. Others pay through lobola, a certificate and a ring. Women demand cars, houses, air time, fast food, rentals, clothes and exam answers in exchange. Then on top of that they still demand physical satisfaction or they shame a man or cheat on him. But on the other hand very few women would pay a man for the same privileges. So who is better off? Or as one regular puts it, when the ear feels an itch and the finger comes up to scratch it, which one gets the best of the bargain? Why should the finger pay the ear for the privilege of scratching its itch?

Blame it on the State
Let it not be said that we are seeking to meddle in ongoing court cases, but we really need to seek clarification on some legal issue. There is the story of the women seeking to sue the State for allowing them to get married as babies. According to them the fact that the State did not put a statutory instrument saying they were too young to get married is to blame for whatever it is that they are angry about. This, we are told, is what human rights are all about. But on the other hand we hear that the same human rights make it compulsory for the State to allow everyone to enjoy safe and pleasurable sex. Thus the State cannot bar these same children from accessing contraceptives and other sex-linked health services.

So in other words girls are free to become mothers, just not wives. If the man responsible is older and the girl is under 16 he will be prosecuted for statutory rape. So in other words girls can have sex and have children with young boys.

These are human rights and if you are a parent, get ready to look after your grandchildren because activists and lawyers have studied human rights and know best.

Till next week, bottoms up!

• Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]