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HIV negative when they had engaged in unprotected sex for years.
Here are a few responses from couples who are in discordant unions. Their identities have been withheld for privacy.

I’m in a discordant HIV situation with my wife. We got tested together in March 2011 and she came out positive and I negative.
I got tested again in May before undergoing circumcision. Now the problem I face since that time is the use of condoms.
I encountered two instances where condoms burst during intercourse and I am really worried now. I don’t enjoy sex anymore because of these experiences. I’m now afraid to go for further tests.

The second man writes:
I am a widower. My wife died in 2005 giving birth. I went out with a single parent in December 2007. I have been particular about my health status. We were using protection all along.
In May 2009, I went for an HIV test. This was done through a doctor so I got printed results. My results came out negative. My partner told me she did the same through a New Start Centre so did not see her results.
However, she claimed she was negative too. We then indulged in unprotected sex. In January 2011, I went for a comprehensive medical examination that included HIV testing. I came out negative again. This posed a challenge to my partner.

She went for testing through a doctor this time around. The results came positive. I managed to get rapid testing kits and we got tested together. She came out positive and I negative. I took a further test again and still came out negative.
I had been informed that she was in a previous affair when we first met. She then said it was over. I then got wind that she was seeing someone at one time then it didn’t work out.
She then decided to stick with me. When I confronted her she vehemently denied it.
It was before our tests that confirmed the discordant status.
Against this background, it makes a person feel betrayed and put at risk. If it were that we were both positive, naturally I would have been blamed for that. We then parted ways after a while. We still communicate though.

It’s a weird world. Are there no chances that you can test positive thereafter?
The third writer, a woman, had this to say:
You tackled a very sensitive issue which I think most people are not fully aware of.
Many people especially men think if the woman is HIV positive that is the end of the world and sexual relationship but it is different when the woman is negative. The woman goes out of her way to be there for him.
In my situation, I fell in love with a man in February this year and in April I tested HIV positive.

I thought it wise to tell my partner that I was HIV positive since our relationship was going that way (I did not sleep with him, he was a man of honour and he respected me a lot) but
he just went quiet and distanced himself.
He said he was afraid something might go wrong and he gets infected.
It has torn me apart because I loved him. I still try to hold on because he tells me he still loves me. May you assist me with information for centres which do counselling to discordant couples in case he will agree to go for counselling.

Another reader sent in this.
I have read your article on discordant couples. Hey hey, how it speaks to me directly!
So we are many in that situation. I guess the end result in many of the couples if they stick together is “friendly fire”.
Surely, it is difficult being in a relationship where you have to use protection all your life! You then think, so, I have to use protection in the home ground and “fair play” with a small house who is negative like you?

It is kind of upside down. The norm is a man or woman uses protection outside and in the home doesn’t, in the case of a discordant couple, it’s the reverse?
Anyway, such is the life of a discordant couple but honestly I wish we could have more research on why this happens.
I mean how does it come up?
I wish doctors and scientists could spend all their energies on this, perhaps that could shed more light on its cure.

Ah, it’s difficult indeed but what is very difficult is not necessarily impossible.
I wish we could have a conference or seminar or what they may call it on this, where they not only invite doctors and scientists in the field but everyone affected and infected, that way it could really help, I think.
Yet another writer sent in this:

Thank you for the article in the Herald of October 7, 2011. However, what I did not understand well is: “Do discordant couples remain in the same status forever or one day they will infect each other?”
It is the spirit of forgiveness that is lacking in discordant couples. I have always said if you love one another then forgive and raise a family together.
Discordant status therefore remains a thorn in the flesh as seen in all the above cases.
For the “‘friendly fire” may discordant couples abide by the rules and use protection, but in the case where the condom bursts, then fear grips the concerned part.

Dual protection, which is the concurrent use of condoms and other contraceptive methods, is an effective strategy to prevent unintended pregnancies as well as HIV and sexually transmitted infections.
Dual protection can also reduce vertical transmission by helping to prevent unintended pregnancies among HIV-positive women.
Women suffer the brunt of HIV infection and even so in discordant couples.
According to De Walque (2007), in about 30 percent to 40 percent of the discordant couples, the female partner is the one who is infected.

Across East Africa, national representative data suggests 40 percent to 50 percent of married HIV infected individuals have an HIV uninfected spouse (Bunnell and P. Cherutich: 2008).
Stress is a main factor as seen in the above couples. The uninfected part is worried and would love to remain negative while the infected would also not want to be blamed in case one tested positive in the future.
Therefore, this difference is bound to cause emotional conflict and hence the stress in discordant couples.

The couple may end up being extra cautious in bed.
Some may end up not even engaging in any sexual activity due to fear. In the case of the man who said the condom burst, his fear of engaging in sex is understandable.
The woman who disclosed her status and was dumped will also be tempted to keep it a secret in future. She did the right thing to disclose.

There is no guilt more than knowing than one intentionally infected a partner. May we get correct understanding of HIV and its effects?
May discordant couples visit their health practitioners and centres and get correct information.
Till then, God abundantly bless you as we strive to get zero new infections, zero discrimination and zero Aids- related deaths.

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