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Just as the Trojan Horse came as a gift and was used to infiltrate and destroy Troy, an ancient state of Asia Manor, porn has also become a marriage-wrecker

Stanely Mushava Literature Today
Book: Nothing to Hide
Author: Joann Condie
Publisher: Focus on the Family (2004)
Pornography, chiefly visual material with an erotic command, has levelled a death-knell against the family institution.While other threats to family can be constitutionally intercepted, this progressively addictive and highly destructive perversion cannot be easily curtailed. In classical parlance, porn is a Trojan Horse — in this case, incomparably discreet. Troy, an ancient state of Asia Manor, is said to have been infiltrated and destroyed by Greek soldiers who entered the city concealed in a wooden horse.

Just as the horse came as a gift only when it was actually a destructive vector, porn is an ostensibly beneficial destroyer.

In our day, porn has become a springboard to stardom, whether one thinks of it in terms of landing a slot to represent Zimbabwe at BBA, hog bonus attention or snap up a niche as a dancer.

Needless to mention, X-rated lyrics have become a certified launch-pad for dancehall rookies, with the precedents of Zima gongs and Nama nominations.

As if that is not revolutionary enough, virtually nude street-troopers are now a state-sanctioned stimulus for tourism.

The ravages of porn are evident: molested children, disconnected addicts, dysfunctional family, perverted culture, compromise-prone society and situational ethics.

Notwithstanding, lukewarm efforts are being mounted against the menace not only because it already holds sway but also because it is big business for the producers.

Sexploitative retailers, from media echo chambers to a plethora of online outlets, are cashing in on our post-modern aversion to clearly defined values.

The spiral of decadence is all the more difficult to stay because it does not just obtain in overtly graphic sites but is being increasingly imported to attach a financial mojo to movies, novels, music and advertisement.

Having porn as a subliminal add-on to virtually all media content overthrows gate-keeping implements and legitimises licentiousness because the media itself commands a principal stake in how culture is generated.

In fact, the reason why the slightest interposition against such outright evils as porn, prostitution, abortion and sodomy is deemed primitive moralising by liberals, falsely so-called, is that big media has been long crusading against family values to further vested commercial interests.

Last week I was delighted to stumble on Sony movie on the great writer, thinker and moralist Leo Tolstoy.

Unfortunately, I had to forgo the potentially riveting portrait of the dissident after coming across a warning about steamy scenes and exposed flesh.

Why must the main highlight of an important biography be diminished into the allure of the lower nature?

The less-is-more fashion mantra has become so pervasive that it is being flaunted even in churches and by popular gospel groups — either a subtle or inadvertent form of endorsement.

Effectively no one is left to man the fort. The wafer-thin constituency still championing family and purity is ostracised even in traditionally conservative circles.

Joann Condie’s “Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity,” is a jam-packed resource for families battling with the inseparable vices.

Condie extends a lifeline to individuals whose spouses have violated their vows through habitual porn, strip clubs, sexual chat rooms, phone sex, affairs or prostitutes.

“Surviving sexual infidelity can seem like trying to manoeuvre a convoluted path up a steep mountain in the middle of the night. If that isn’t treacherous enough, numerous land mines lie hidden just beneath the topsoil,” Condie warns.

Condie, who commends a trusted guide to avert further harm, identifies four divisions of victims of infidelity: curious bystanders, previous victims, love-blind survivors and spiritual barometers.

The curious bystander becomes inhibited and anxious when an offending spouse becomes evasive and confrontational.

While the excuses of the offending spouse may sound reasonable, they neither convince the heart nor dispel gnawing questions of the offended spouse.

Eventually, the offended spouse wears down emotionally and enters a downward spiral of self-doubt.

Curious bystanders, Condie points out, are not assertive and shy away from confrontation convinced that nice people do not stir up trouble.

Believing, ostrich-style, that the problem will go away if ignored, bystanders allow anxiety to consume them while their problem multiplies.

Previous victims suffer past abuse or neglect. Victims of violence, molestation, harassment or rape, they carry horrendous, often lifelong, damage and import unresolved crises into adult relationships, bar adequate counselling.

“Victims of abuse or neglect receive a ‘double whammy’ when their spouses cheat on them. If the original damage in their lives is not addressed, they will be ill-equipped for developing healthy relationships; after discovering their spouse’s infidelity, they are ill-equipped for dealing with the fallout,” Condie observes.

Love-blind survivors lose capacity for affirmation, love and respect, having endured rocky relationships with unhappy endings, only to find themselves in a rocky marriage tainted by infidelity.

They identify with the people who were used or ignored like objects and lack the optimism that things will work right.

These can also be the other extreme, emerging from perfect childhood with a loving and caring family.

However, their lives are performance-driven and they place a high priority placed on a polished image, much like Dr Agnew in “Why Did I Get Married?”

Their marriage is picture-perfect and the shock discovery of infidelity reveals an intimacy disorder as bad as those within visibly troubled marriages.

Both versions of the love-blind survivor lack the requisite skills for developing an authentic and intimate relationship with their spouse.

The spiritual barometer can be a non-believer or a serious Christian caught off-guard by the devastation of infidelity to a point whereby they reassess what they truly believe about God.

Having been betrayed by the person whom they loved and trusted the most, the spiritual barometer’s pain can lead them to wonder if God has also betrayed them.

For the journey towards healing, Condie prescribes the acronym “Faith”: fear not, assess your support system, insist that your spouse decide, talk to a trained counsellor and heed biblical principles. Condie points out that fear is often the cause of underreaction or overreaction — different sides of the same dysfunction.

Underreaction prevents the clear thinking required to make healthy choices and inhibits assumption of the proactive approach needed for the healing process.

Overreaction heaps insult on injury and results in more damage than what was initially dealt by the adulterer, brings about the attempt to appear in control of an out-of-control situation and pictures the worst before all the facts fall into place.

Fear which the author calls “false evidence appearing real” is to be truncated at all cost, for a rational response to obtain.

The offended spouse also needs to access a credible support system, neither covering up nor broadcasting their partner’s shortfalls but seeking help from mature and balanced friends and relatives without an ulterior agenda and freely engaging God for strength and advice instead of staying bottled up.

Condie warns against leaning on a “supportive” friend or co-worker of the opposite sex lest the wounded spouse’s emotional vulnerability is taken advantage of and the problem is doubled.

“Many a heartbreaking story has ended with men or women going to another for comfort only to end up in their arms — and then in their bed — committing sins similar to their spouses’,” Condie warns.

The other solution is to insist on the breaking of the cycle. There must be no pretense that all is well while a spouse is indulging prostitutes, pornography strip clubs or such other deviances. Otherwise, a marriage will exist only in paper as it progresses from contempt to divorce.

“As you choose to go forward in the healing process, know that you’ll have good days and bad days. You’ll experience breakthroughs as well as setbacks.

“This process is never easy for either partner, and it will be painful. But it will also be the most worthwhile process you have ever undertaken,” Contie points out.