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No sir, you cannot sell land that does not exist, live large on the money then claim that there is nothing to write home about. Even if you pay back every cent to your victims, you still have a case to answer. And as to paying back, when are you going to start doing the right thing?

Bar Talk with Bra Gee
None raped
We have always said it. Show us a man raped by a gang of women and we will show you a liar.A man who can raise the flag when confronted with huge serpents, coked guns and other African movie style horrors? Please, try another one, we said.

When the reports started coming in the first thing that raised a huge red flag was the description of the perpetrators which was always so generic: Three women wearing Apostolic sect clothing and a man in a silver Toyota.

Surely even the blandest human has got a distinguishing feature of some sort like a missing tooth, a mole on the nose or a hoarse voice, not to mention the hidden parts that the poor “victim” had to pump his life serum into.

The car might have the flag of some soccer team, a torn seat, something, anything to set it apart from the other half a million Toyotas on our roads.

But no, there was never anything that would make you want to call the cops and hint that they would find it productive to find out where that snooty female neighbour with all the cash was on Friday night when the alleged rape took place.

Remember how the fad faded out after that Mutare man let the cat out of the bag when it turned out that his rapists and robbers were sisters whose services he had enjoyed to the hilt and paid for willingly?

Suddenly the blitz of male rape died out. But of course it was too good a con and someone had to try it again.

Maybe this means that a law should be put in place to make it mandatory for a complainant to produce documents proving that they are really who they claim to be before the cops make a move.

Otherwise what is there to stop Bra Gee from walking into the nearest police station and claim that he has been raped by the Virgin Mary who came to him in a dream?

Fallen angel

Angel, Angel, Angel. Why, Angel? There is a world of difference between an artistic pose and pornography.

The presence of a host of people including a professional photographer, a director and others makes the first respectable even if your nude body is posted all over the world.

But taking selfies with your flat little chest exposed like a call girl on the hunt for rich paedophiles is just not on.

But if you want to take that road, then take lessons from the experts like Kim Kardashian and Pokello Nare. You do the raw stuff first, use it to explode into the public arena then become strictly professional.

But when you have already got your little beautiful career going then such pictures will destroy you.

Ask Vanessa Williams and that other little girl much closer home who had to hand over her crown just like that.

Being dirty at the beginning is wonderful, but getting dirty along the way is betrayal.

Or you can be as dirty as you like, just be a good hypocrite and do not let your dirty linen stray into the public arena.

Men of Gab

The current pope is a man much to our liking. If anyone is doing a good job of convincing us to return to the other usual place, then it is good old Frank.

We like the way that he is debunking all the hocus pocus surrounding religion and cutting straight to the chase.

He says let us treat the Bible as a well put lesson and not take the illustrations as gospel truth. We can certainly live with his kind of non-judgmental attitude towards prayer seeing as we have always had problems with the alleged representatives of God on earth.

We mean these merchants of death whose idea of a prophecy is to tell us that unnamed persons of a certain profession will die before the year.

It would be a wonderful year indeed in which no businessman or musician or politician dies.

Predicting death is about the safest bet you can make because it will definitely come.

Remember TB Joshua and his Southern Africa leader dying prediction? But when it came to the missing Malaysian plane being found he got it totally wrong.

Then there is that Malawian idiot who tried to make his death prophecy time specific. He failed. Life is so unpredictable.

So now all self-appointed prophets are trying to find fame by foretelling matters that are a foregone conclusion. Enter Evidence Chari and his one businessman and two musicians to die nonsense. You can give him 10 percent of your earnings for that and we will not quibble with you because definitely such people will die this year, no question about it.

But personally we think our tithes bring far much better returns when faithfully rendered unto the bartender, thank you very much.

Maybe because we think that people who hear voices in their heads belong in mental asylums instead of living like kings and queens at our expense.

New qualification

Our man of the week is of course the one and only Comrade Chinoz. He got a shovel and decided to clear the muck.

A man of action and words, we definitely like. Too bad there is too much muck in the city and the city fathers and mothers have long since stopped inconveniencing themselves by paying attention to irritants like ratepayers’ complaints. Or rather they listen then ignore.

So we would like to suggest that from now on all legislators from ward level upwards pledge a day each week on which they will actually do something instead of just eating and drinking on our behalf.

Just once a week when all councillors and MPs and Senators of Harare get into the muck like Comrade Chinoz and soon our city will be spotless. Or they could mend potholes. They could renovate Matapi.

They can change the world. Maybe physically they will not do much, but the money that we will save by stopping their spending on our behalf for that one day a week will really take us far. So let that be the new qualification for getting into the corridors of power, never mind all those important CVs.

Asses and Assets

We are not sure that the writing of slogans on nether regions by women is a hot idea. We sure hope that the trend does not go viral. It seems to say keep your eyes here’ and our minds do not then dwell on the braying grey asses working tirelessly to derail ZimAsset, but on those same body parts which coincidentally are colloquially called by a similar sounding name.

Parting shot

Written inside a bank: God is rich. Because he saves!

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Twitter: @brageesbar, Email:[email protected]