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You should use your teeth, not your fist, then maybe you would also be famous

Bra Gee
No laughing matter
When people do not get your joke, maybe it is because it is not funny. So we are not sure if low attendances at promised laugh fests are because of poor organisers or just that people know that the overrated would-be comedian is only popular with people who laugh automatically because they expect not to get the joke anyway. We mean that he seems to be all friends with the likes of Dear Bruce who we believe is currently back home where he sent this clown to get an audience once upon a time. So Dear Bruce was not here to laugh on cue since he does not speak Zimbabwe anyway so cannot be expected to understand the jokes and will laugh whenever he thinks the punch line has been delivered. The people who howl at real jokes on WhatsApp are just so not amused that the poor man has had to brave the heat of the kitchen in an attempt to find something, anything that pays the bills.

Luis Suarez strikes again

It is never our fault. It is always the machinations of external detractors. That is why we must defend our boy in blue against the media onslaught aiming to paint him black for using his fists on two different persons within as many days. We are a country that religiously copies trends then twist thing a bit to imbue them with local flavour. So obviously Roderick Mutuma has been infected by the Suarez fever, but due to the current Ebola scare, he has decided to use his fists instead of his teeth. We are sure he believes that soon he will also be as famous and rich as Suarez.

Blind seers

We are the first to admit that without the regulars of those other usual places we would run out of topics to discuss in our bar talk. So we are mighty pleased that they continue to feed us with all these interesting aspects of their spiritual manifestations as we quaff our drinks, observe and opine.

So this man who can call down blessings by the barrelful of anointing oil seems to lack ordinary vision for seeing practical matters right here on earth? When he took one of ours and claimed that he had converted her into one of his regulars, we freely expressed our disbelief. Sure enough before you could finish saying the word ‘saved’ she was back in the fold of the bar where she belongs and she is busy throwing mud at the man and all his saintliness. And now he defends himself by saying that he kept a woman in his private lodgings for spiritual deliverance without his inner eye figuring out that her husband would not look too kindly on that three day prayer.

To add to this preacher’s apparent myopia is the fact that when the media was awash with stories of his purported miracles which certainly fed the numbers at his gatherings, he did not see any sign of the devil using the journalists. But to take the crown, he takes a woman with so many ‘gates’ surrounding her and makes her a chief money guru then cries foul, claiming that she is the architect of this ‘gate’ hanging over his own head.

So what good are his powers if they cannot show him all these landmines that he seems to go looking for, so that they can blow right under his feet?

Ice bucket challenge salvation

This latest craze by the dopey celebrities — most of whom should have been allowed to live their sick lives in oblivion, has actually done social media bimbo types who can hardly spell their names now glibly pronounce the little known ALS/ Lou Gehrig’s disease <http://www.webmd.com/brain/understanding-als-basics> and the charities involved in that field have been watching the money pour in. If you have never heard of this illness, then go look it up as we are drinkers, not doctors and we cannot explain it to you.

For those of you who have taken vows of dedicated apathy to time-wasting social media and the foolishness of celebrities who have too much time and too little brains we will explain how the ice bucket challenge works. A dopey person like that Bieber kid who would have deservedly rotted in Toronto if it wasn’t for Youtube, sits, stands, lies or crouches in front of a camera. Some obliging toot then throws a bucket of ice water over the dope. Through chattering teeth and between screams at the shock, the dope tries to pass some message about ALS and then challenges equally dopey pals to take the challenge.

The one who has been nominated must take up the challenge within 24 hours or donate to a charity dealing with Lou Gerig’s disease.

So the celebrities are caught between a cold place and a dip into the pocket. On one hand, deciding to stand under a bucket looks like you are cheap and mean, as you prefer to spend millions on huge houses which are occupied by revolting Beverly Hills Chihuahuas instead of caring about fellow humans. On the other hand not taking the challenge and opting to pay instead makes it look like you always want to buy your way out. So the celebs have to take the cold shower and pay up anyway. What a splendid idea.

Now all we need is to get hold of some power house celebrity and we are home and dry.

That celebrity would start a “Revive Zimbabwe” challenge and before we know it, the money will be pouring in to introduce or resuscitate industries so we can work and get all those things that activists would like us to have, like pizza everyday and sanitary towels for those poor little girls.

The only question is which celebrity to use; no one local of course, because the local celebrities are mostly poor and have no friends who would fork out millions without blinking.

We need someone like Angelina Jolie but no, she is overused. We could try Oprah but all those foreskins allegedly holding her face together may rot halfway through the campaign and mess up our party.

By the way

What happened to the urgent hunt for Madzibaba Ishmael? Is it that the memory that pushes the long arm of the law has grown dim or is it that the long arm of the law itself is too short to reach into some cavities of society?

For how can a whole grown man just disappear into the dust? But then again, why should we surprised? If a whole huge truck full of diamond ore and a whole Malaysian plane can apparently debunk this earthly vale leaving no tracks, why should one mupostori apparently threatened with booted feet and clenched fists fail to just fade away into the background of a country full of vapostori?

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]