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Who am I?
In case you missed the boat, let’s quickly bring you to scratch. It looks like legally within a marriage a person can do what they like with their own personal property without consulting their spouse. But in case of divorce or death the other spouse immediately gets a stake in the same property that they would have had no say over during the marriage.

I exist in a charmed bubble, I tell you. So many things have been written about me and one day the media will realise that their petty pens cannot even prick my skin, never mind try to cause real damage.

First of all they made a loud noise about me being one of the salary barons. They even got into the gutter to revel in details about the cost of my domestic welfare. But the last laugh was mine as I am still very much in my position, unlike some of my more unfortunate peers like poor Cuthbert and Happison.

Then they took on the issue of brand news cars gathering dust in some car park. We all know that the cars were moved from that car park even if the upstarts who thought they deserved the vehicles still do not have the coveted keys in their hands.

Now these pesky reporters have started again with this Zimra nonsense. I tell you some people just do not know when to give up. This is the problem with this country: People spend all their energies chasing chimeras instead of putting together their own sweet deals.

How long will it take and how much more resources will the whole bunch of my haters waste before they realise that I am truly one the untouchables?

Good cheer
We don’t know about you but our festive season promises to live up to its name. The price of getting a hangover has come down. Which means cumulatively more drink for us.

It is also a fortunate developments for the spouses and offspring. As you know a rise in the beer prices necessitates an adjustment in the domestic budget but a decrease in the beer prices does not engender a corresponding adjustment.

This is not just a fault of the drinkers as the same thing happens with fuel. When the pump price goes up, the price of everything else goes up. But when the fuel price comes down, it comes down alone.

In addition the predicted drought augurs well for us too. We expect farmers to drastically reduce the number of their livestock as they remain with only the few they can take care of with supplementary feeding and a little water.

Thus presumably the price of layering up the braai stand with meat of every cut and description will also go down.

So we drinkers will have our merry season while the rest of the country will just have to take their chances.

Marital death trap
A lot of men will tell you that they were trapped into marriage by a woman who fell pregnant before the dude had really begun to think of becoming domesticated.

The men tell us their sorrowful stories at the usual place as they explain why they need a chain of mistresses. Of course we never ask these poor victims of feminine wiles why they did not take precautions to keep their sperm safely away from scheming uteruses and the fertile eggs.

But now it looks like the men in the country are about to learn what the ‘worse’ part of the phrase ‘for better or worse’ really means. Yes, this law on marital property rights does not augur well for the male population, we tell you.

In case you missed the boat, let’s quickly bring you to scratch. It looks like legally within a marriage a person can do what they like with their own personal property without consulting their spouse. But in case of divorce or death the other spouse immediately gets a stake in the same property that they would have had no say over during the marriage.

Now we all know that women only get divorced under the most extreme conditions and usually only if the man calls it quits. The title “Mrs” is one of the most desirable in society and it loses its lustre after divorce. Therefore not many women will consider divorcing errant husbands before they sell off the family home to buy a flat for the mistress.

Which leaves anxious women with only one option; to become widows. Unless the law is changed forthwith, that is the only way that the poorer spouse who is usually the woman can ensure that they married ‘for richer’ rather than ‘for poorer’. And anyway most of us in this country are still ruled by cultural beliefs about women coming back as avenging spirits unless all their earthly chattels are faithfully rendered to their greedy relatives.

So married men, it has really been good knowing you and we hope to reunite with you in that great bar in the sky. It is too sad that the marriage trap has just worsened into a death trap.

Last call: Drinking style guide

In honour of the reduced beer prices we bring you the complete guide on how to manage your drinking problems.

Beer troubleshooting

• Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
• Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
• Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
• Fault: Improper bladder control.
• Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.
• Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
• Fault: Glass Empty.
• Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
• Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
• Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
• Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.
• Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
• Fault: You have fallen forward.
• Action: See above.
• Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
• Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
• Action: Retire to the restroom and practise in the mirror.
• Symptom: Floor blurred.
• Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
• Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
• Symptom: Floor moving.
• Fault: You are being carried out.
• Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
• Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
• Fault: Bar has closed.
• Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.
• Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspects and textures.
• Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
• Action: Cover mouth.
• Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
• Fault: You are dancing on the table.
• Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
• Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
• Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
• Action: Punch him.
• Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
• Fault: You have been in a fight.
• Action: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
• Symptom: Don’t recognise anyone, don’t recognise the room you’re in.
• Fault: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
• Action: See if they have free beer.
• Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
• Fault: The beer is too weak.
• Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.
• Symptom: Don’t remember the words to the song.
• Fault: Beer is just right.

Action: Play air guitar. — Source — www.drewsbrew.com

Till next week, bottoms up!

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