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BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Who am I?

You got to know me for wanting to be famous for being famous. I mean what else is that whole Big Bore thing about except attention seekers being watched by empty heads? No offence to those who are eagerly waiting for the 2015 Africa edition while they religiously keep up with all the soapies and telenovelas.

Anyway while on the show I made sure that you would really get me up into your psyche even if you did not watch the show when I went all procreative with a fellow housemate right there in front of all the world. I certainly gave all those with the time to get excited over the mind-numbingly boring rigmarole something real to get all worked up over.

After a few years of being my usual shallow self as I posted revolting pictures of my overexposed squishy bosom threatening to spill out of tight cat suits I suddenly changed from my role of bad girl gone terrible. I decided to follow the easy money and claimed to have been born again.

But between you and I nothing has changed except that I now say His name in every second sentence. Otherwise I remain the same vain bore. Just follow me on Instagram and especially in my latest campaign dubbed “fitness is next to godliness”. Some unkind critics say I am beginning to look like a victim of anorexia and bulimia, whatever those may be, but I do not care.

I will continue to give you Zimbabwe’s version of Keeping up with Me. After all dear Kim and I share a lot; we can both thank a taped sex session for our rise to fame.

Marrying money and mouth

Every person with access to any social media platform has been expressing their violent anti-xenophobia sentiments. That some of these sentiments do not sound much different from dear Zwelithini’s utterances is neither here nor there.

What we want to talk about is the Casper Nyovest show. First of all we got people saying the SA artists should forget about coming to Zimbabwe right now because the best reception that they can hope for is a total boycott. There were of course the extremists promising to be waiting at the point of entry with machetes, axes and giant wheel spanners.

Thank goodness the long arm of the law would never allow such people with nothing behind the ears freedom to exercise such rights to stupidity. Unlike our southerly neighbours, we must say.

But to get back to the Casper Nyovest show, when the artiste then declared that he would be performing for free somehow the counter anti-SA feelings seemed to melt magically and suddenly he was a real cool dude. Fast forward to the announcement that he is offering his time but patrons must pay with the proceeds going to help the victims of the hated xenophobia and we have an outcry.

Sounds to Bra Gee as though talk is really cheap and it is easy for the hordes to sympathise with the victims as long as those same sympathisers need not make any personal sacrifice for their objects of pity. Surely we should all be lining up to buy tickets so that we can do our bit to help the brothers and sisters, but no, we would much rather just talk about it and reserve our money for the usual important stuff like crooking our fingers to get the bartender ringing up the next round.

Over our dead bodies

These are the times when we regret all those misspent years of our youths when we pelted the teachers with stones launched from homemade catapults. We would have loved to be the legal experts who get to ask Madzibaba Ishmael some questions.

We will not go into those right now as we reserve for post judgement or else the real legal experts may start using bad language with words like sub judice and so forth.

Maybe if we had stayed in school beyond the stage when we became literate and actually got educated, we would understand the obviously clear logic behind the ordering of poor PSMAS to give Doshbert 3 million reasons to smile all the way to the bank.

You see, being the uneducated oafs that we are, we thought the case presented to the arbitrator was one of two parties who had already agreed that a termination of relations had been effected and all that was left was to come up with a mutually agreeable position on how the parting terms were to be defined.

Like a couple applying for divorce only want the judge to rule on who gets the dog and who gets the Lamborghini. So how can the judge say to the couple that they must get back into the marriage with full conjugal rights? This is what the judgment sounds like to us. But as we previously stated, we are just ignoramuses who think like the simple minds that we are.

We really do rue our aborted cognitive development processes for we are left bewildered at many more happenings in the society. Like we would really have liked to know the results of the forensic audit which was paid for by members’ contributions which came up some time ago.

Maybe if we were more educated we would understand why the audit results are not for public consumption and how keeping them closely under wraps helps the supposed war on corruption. Ah well, maybe we will know in the next lifetime when we will make sure we are resurrected learned.

But for now we have a message for dear Cuthbert: If for a moment you think the members of the society are going to suffer one more inconvenience while you waltz back into office and continue earning your ridiculous salary, then your Nigerian prophet must have prophesied of one mighty illusionary vision.

And please do tell us, what is this clown still doing at ZIFA? Is the whole country so neutered that he can keep on running his cabal as though it is business as usual even though we have been disqualified from Russia 2018? Someone, anyone, please do something, anything except xenophobia to get rid of this odious presence!

Last Call: CEO and CFO

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry crocodiles. The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!”

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the crocodiles left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge croc snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, “You are amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.” The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!” — jokes4all.net

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar