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Dudu Manhenga

BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Yes, we did it!

Finally, Dudu has a date to return to court! We are taking the full credit for this development. You will all remember that it is only here at the usual place that we have refused to shut up about her case. It is not that we particularly want her to be shut up in prison learning hairdressing skills, but we just prefer to pretend that all animals are equal before the law. So we advise all those currently incarcerated for similar offences to get ready to hire themselves a new lawyer …

Dry spell ahead?

Another week has gone by and we anxiously await the announcement of the civil service bonuses to get our throats wet. This has become urgent seeing as many stingy employers have declared that we will not be drinking at their expense this year since they are all claiming to be too broke to throw end of year parties. How can the year end if we are not in a permanent state of befuddlement as we lurch from one party to gatecrash the next?

There is little hope that the usual fall back of December weddings will provide much respite either. It looks like all these kids insisting on huge crowds and fancy venues are broke and can barely afford to give guests a bite, never mind a few drinks of the right type. So now they are all going for short functions where they do not serve alcohol, allegedly on religious grounds.

We refuse to attend a wedding ceremony where we are expected to listen to some preacher go on and on about the evils of drinking and nothing about fornication being the new church pastime with no hope of payment in the form of a free bar the whole night thereafter. So if you insist on having your parody of a wedding (kamuchato shungu), rest assured that you will not get even a token gift from us. We would rather use our money for interim drinks while we await the next proper feast from whatever source, hopefully the civil service bonuses.

What job?

We are personally not surprised by the conviction of Kuda Munetsi for wife beating because looking at those thin sticks that pass for legs and hands which Sharon insisted on displaying, no one could have imagined them having any power to defend the owner, never mind being used to attack her spouse.

But there are a few interesting facts in the judgment. How were the two supposed to get experience in marriage before getting married? Unless, of course, all newly-weds are supposed to behave like some flotsam from the zoo, that line does not make a lot of sense to us.

As for imprisonment meaning the end of the marriage, is there still such an institution for the two except on paper, even if a child is supposedly on the way?

Do they even need to go through the whole divorce thing or can they just get an annulment?

Then there is the part of Kuda claiming that the conviction would dent his resume with his employer down South. Really? How many months leave did take from the said employer? So if he was going back to his cushy managerial job what was the idea of setting up house at father-in-law’s expense in Chitungwiza? Was he going to take his bride to SA and leave their little nest as a holiday villa? Why do we find that hard to believe? Why do we think that if marital bliss and unstinted in-law generosity had followed consummation then we would never heard another peep about that famous job?

We are grateful that he took it like a man and did not decide to smear himself with his own dung like that Gweru fellow who thought his stench would result in the magistrate discharging him. Unfortunately, it was only back to the clapper for the smelly fellow and we hope that next time the magistrate will simply bring a can of air freshener and give the man the absolute worst sentence that the Constitution allows.

Cleaned carpet?

So now PSMAS is finally calling in an auditor to tell us just how much was really thrown down the drain in the form of overpayment of some spectacularly untalented people? How many months down the line after the writing got splashed on the wall? What was the board doing all this time instead of appointing an auditor forthwith?

Now when fellow messed up ZBC has completed its own assessment? Like we always admit, we are cynical drunks, so you will understand if we immediately smell a huge rat, one so huge as to scare a cat! What has been who been doing in the interim before calling in the men and women in the blue and grey suits? Could there have been some discreet vacuuming of some dark corners and the lifting of carpets with a dust pan and brush in hand? Will this audit tell us anything that we can believe or will it come out telling us that black is actually white, and if we don’t see it that way then we should blame our opticians and not the subject under scrutiny? We wait and see, but warn you that alcohol is not often referred to as the waters of wisdom for no good reason.

Why Midlands?

Why do all Zimsec leakages seem to inevitably lead to the Midlands province these days? We will not ask why the leakages continue despite being assured each year that impeccable measures have been put in place to make sure that it does not happen. We have always wondered why some Zimsec certificate holders with distinctions in English seem to be bilingual illiterates as they break their mother tongues and that other language in equal measure. Now we know. But that does not answer the question of why it is always Midlands. If it was Masvingo we would say it is the vaunted witchcraft of Zaka or the stone-cooking stubbornness of Chivi. For Manicaland maybe it could be blamed on the Wasu love for only the best of everything.

If it was Mashonaland we would say it is the vaunted Zezuru anti-sc….. spirit. Please feel free to fill in the blank space with whatever comes to mind. But there is absolutely no legend associated with Midlands to which we can attribute this trend. Unless this is how the province has decided to be known; the land of the cheats.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Twitter: @brageesbar, Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]