Of idiotic chieflings, hallucinating wannabes King Zwelithini
King Zwelithini

King Zwelithini

BAR TALK with Bra Gee

Who am I?

I am definitely one of the people who can give you a glowing account of the #1980sofarsogood story. From nowhere and after trying a bit of everything I finally arrived.

Okay, I overreached myself and have since tumbled, but I assure you that my lifestyle still remains in the stratosphere.

You might not remember it with your so very short memories, but not so long ago the people from my area (not quite my former constituency but the same province) made the headlines as they used rocks to smash up neighbours’ doors before beating the stinky stuff out of those same neighbours.

So now why are you surprised that the same tendencies are coming up right here in my area as we gear for a bruising fight? Do you honestly dream that I am going to go down quietly, just let people come in and take the crown that I worked so hard for? Even if it means supping with the very devil himself, I will do whatever it takes to fight for what I want.

After all, you all know that I have been in bed with the worst and I am still there. Well, maybe I am down but I am definitely not out. But right now the area has just gotten too hot for me so I will stay away for a while and let my foot soldiers do the job. They understand that it is up to them to do the grunt work so I can walk in and take the cake when it is time.

I have promised them that this time around I will share the contents of the briefcases with them more equitably. But of course you and I know that there will be no more briefcases handed over during flights with white boys and Sekuru. For Sekuru is really down and out and even I find him an embarrassing encumbrance.

And of course I can no longer claim $10 million introductory fees because I am no longer welcome in the places where such people would want to be introduced. And if truth be told, they never needed a fee for the introduction as that was just a myth that our cabal created to make sure that we stuck our filthy fingers into every pie.

Between you and I must confess disgust at my partners.

I really do not like the way they have simply folded up or shown that they are worse than stupid. After all these years and they show absolutely no political acumen, yet they dream of ruling the country?

But I refuse to give up. Let me just use whoever I can to try and get back my seat, but as soon as that is done, I promise to dump the whole lot and see if I can return into the real party. After all, we fought and died for this country!

Booting camps

“We will just look at the girls and pick the one we like,” so said the organiser of a pageant that has flopped before it even began. This of course is not news because we are sure that is exactly the way pageants always run the world over. We hear of how winners are picked during boot camp or at times even before.

Remember how Miss SA scooped the world title when it was politically correct for the international community to love all things South African as they tried to hide their shame at letting apartheid go on for so long. (That was the same time that Oprah claimed that she had traced her DNA to South African origins. Wonder what she will say today after the past few days.) Anyway who had lied to this woman that she would be the one to succeed where many have stumbled? That organisation headed by a soldier turned rank marshal failed in the same business in spite of all the money they seem to have to play with for no discernible results we can see. Did she imagine that she owned the golden key that would somehow unlock all the cash doors into her hands?

#Lesson 101 for know-it-alls: If others have tried and failed, there is probably a good reason why you should stay away.

And then there is the other pageant now taken over by a woman who promised that she would pull it into shape even if she died in the process. Well, she seems more determined than ever. We hear that the boot camp has become a boot camp in so far as the leading lady has been turning out every three days or so and booting some hapless girls out. There are no judges involved mind you, our sources tell us. Just Her Mightiness pointing a finger at a girl then the door.

Mirror gazing

Of course we cannot go away without talking about the Afrophobia in SA. We think that the misguided chiefling masquerading as a king should be kept in his palace with no access to any mass communication device for the rest of his life. But tell us again, why are the goons in SA listening to this insignificant person who will never amount to anything except a hater? Remember that mad woman (now discarded like so much chaff by a very important man in our country) once called for people to ‘drink white blood’?

Should the whole nation have gone insane and grabbed every white person in sight to drink their blood because this woman whose marriage to a white man had failed said so?

In other words, we would really hate to become the thing that we claim to hate. I am talking about all those taking to social media and other platforms calling for revenge attacks against South Africans based in the country and other forms of idiocy. Why visit revenge on people who have not done anything to you or yours?

There were 53,139,528 million South Africans as of July 2014, with many of them armed with real guns and if they all decided to be Afrophobic, there would be no pieces of our relatives left to pick up down there, rest assured.

The hate language is just as bad if not worse as that of the idiotic chiefling. How does that make you different from the goons who are just murdering fellow Africans without really looking at the where the blame for their problems lie? Maybe we are just idiots at the usual place, but we really fail to see how beating up Casper Nyovest sets you apart from the same people whose actions you claim to revile.

And meanwhile, please in the name of all that is intoxicating, please stop sharing those photoshopped horrors unless you can prove that they are real. A person with an axe sunk in the head still walking tall? Really? The situation is bad enough without your worsening it by giving platform to those enjoying the whole sad mess. A little thought processes never hurt anyone, so think before you share or comment, please?

Last call: Jive

Q: What jive are all Zimbabweans going to be doing today?

A: Indepen-dance

Till next week, bottoms up!

 Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar

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