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BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Trick question to clear your hangovers, dear regulars; if an auditor audits their own audits, who will audit the auditor’s audit of their own audits? Sounds like a nursery rhyme doesn’t it?  But I assure you that we are not playing with words, but talking figures.
We will hasten to say that the regulars are not figures people. The only maths we can do in our heads is the change that you will get from a 20 dollar note after standing for a round of three lagers, two ciders and a glass of wine, no tip for the waitress.

But when it comes to complex accounting and accountancy governing matters, we are no fundis. Therefore you will forgive us if we should err in our drunken observations.

But we have to wonder how an audit firm gets to do the audit when its client’s operations come under fire for the period during which they have been doing the books, which means they are auditing themselves.

And now that we have started talking complex matters, we may as well wade in to the deep end. We are also perplexed by how a certain firm lands its jobs, especially bearing in mind that they seem to get an avalanche of a certain type consultancies when there are many more players in the field.

Why does the same name keep on popping up? We have added two and two and come up with 22.

But like I said earlier, figures are not our thing and our ignorance may be showing. All the same we find it hard to understand how or why the country seems to have acquired a liquidator-general. But we never got round to reading the whole new constitution and maybe that is all spelled out, in which case you should dismiss our ramblings as mere bar talk.

Meanwhile we would like the parliamentary committee on tenders and other related procedures to immediately order the minister responsible to reverse the medical aid consultancy so as to allow us a chance to also place a bid.

I mean they advertised for an individual then went behind our backs and appointed a gang of consultants. How sneaky! And how did the gang of consultants know to apply when the ad clearly said individual? Did a little bird tweet in their ear?

Chinese whispers are creating a lot of innuendo which we cannot repeat in a respectable bar, but all the same we hope this one does not go through. Unless we get the lucrative tender ourselves.

After all what with all the drinking, smoking and the negotiations for other activities we shall not mention here, bar patrons have serious potential health challenges, which make us a key stakeholder here. And anyway we believe we are the most qualified group to take on the job.

We will charge much less and achieve the best results within the shortest time.

First off all, we take all those thousand dollar managers and give them actual jobs at really reduced salaries. While we are at it we can auction off a few leather bound desks to raise money to pay off a few debts.

With all the money thus saved and revenue realised by letting the dead wood work for a living, the society and related institutions will soon be up and roaring and we will be free to get back to the usual place for our day job of commenting as we watch life unfold.

No need for a team of suited nerds to charge an arm and a leg to tell you that. So no dice, minister.

Now to move on to social matters: Bra Gee and the regulars are really glad that cameras were banned from the First Wedding.

Imagine the barrage of selfies that we would have had to endure from a few nobodies out to prove that they are somebodies just because they inveigled an invite!

But we are truly delighted to inform you that great things are about to befall the nation! After our dear brothers and sister in the city of Kings rightly demanded ‘useful miracles’ — read monetary ones, a prophet there has now taken to juicing up phones and power meters.

Naturally a ‘man of God’ would not be ‘stealing from the utility company and the mobile phone operators by just giving away their product. That means he must be working double miracles whereby he creates the power and voice, text or data bundles to go with the miraculous recharge top-ups.

In other words, Zimbabwe, forget about power cuts.

We now have a prophet who can create ZESA out of thin air, and surely this miraculously recharged power cannot be disturbed by earthly load shedding or faults! So next time you get a blackout, turn your eyes towards Bulawayo and power will come surging into your home or workplace, independent of that inefficient scandal-ridden utility company.

This is in addition to the formidable array of prophet power that we already have. I am talking of raising the dead, miracle money in your bank account independent of the usual transfer system and the Federal Bank of the good old US where all the greenbacks are supposed to be minted.

In addition we also have HIV reversing and size increments and the healing of all ill people including the mentally ill, as well as the saving of bottle Magdalenes.

All we need now is one prophet who can ensure that sack potatoes grow and mature overnight, and we are home and dry!

We are so blessed to have a country filled with so many useful prophets. As soon as we all turn to them we will have no need for ARVs, international lines of credit and any other bothersome stuff like that.

Unlike other countries where they are afflicted with cursed with pastors who ask female congregates to come to church with no underwear so to make sure that they do not block entrance of divine messages.

Or countries where fathers ask pastors to rape their daughters. Or even where pastors repeatedly use their fingers to check the integrity of young female followers, even when it is not a favourable time of the month.

Thank goodness, we only have useful prophets and none of these perverts hiding in preacher’ robes. Till next week, bottoms up!