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Who am I? Did you think my day would never come? Happiness has found me at last, if only the blasted media would stay out of my little piece of heaven on earth. I have been in the news for various issues which some of you might dismiss as default by nature of my high flying dad who has quenched the musical thirst of many followers in both urban and rural settings even though it’s more pronounced in farming communities. Over the past few years we have progressively dusted our image in line with the new settings.

My parents even took the unusual step to “donate” our house nested among the majority as they are now among the well-heeled occupants of areas with big yards, who bath while seated, own several automobiles and occasionally make it in the social scene pages of the tabloids!

On my own part, I haven’t been totally left out of the picture as I’ve stood by my dad as the Press harvested on him after that benighted extra-marital affair he got into and unsuccessfully tried to formalise.

He has had women by the barrel over the years, but to bring such into the home?

My mother tried to embrace his immorality which inadvertently resulted in the head count in the family spiralling within a short period of time.

Obviously there are some things that we knew about this new found “mother” that we could not tell papa for fear of being labelled as anti-establishment.

A lot eventually came out after we managed to chunk up the stuff he had been given and we stood by him as he fought to restore his manhood, pun fully intended.

After much ado I’m happy to say that the clan succeeded in sending the imposter packing, a fallout out that I’m sure most of you enjoyed.

Not pleasant reading, I know, especially for my case as the eldest lass and it was no surprise that I quickly recalled my lover who was holed up in the Diaspora and insisted that we quickly exchange vows to distract the attention of gullible followers from the smutty goings on at the main house.

Never mind that unspeakable cake that still holds the record for ugliest wedding confectionery ever, my unsightly armpits and the atrocious outfits on the bride’s mother and even the prezzies; it was the post wedding period where the real news story lay. Since the matrimonial home had been given to us as a gift by my father, I sent the fistful brother packing and that was it.

But now I hope you understand that a marriage cannot just end over a few warts in the nether regions! Of course with a bun in the oven we were bound to reunite and I assure you that the past seven months have seen us mature into two human adults. I promise not to go to any dubious old women who may be linked to spiritual worlds and my dear husband has learnt to be financially independent and will no longer expect poor dad to foot all bills. So now we will live happily ever after.

A little service, please
Men of Zimbabwe, you are letting the nation down worse than Cuthbert Dube and his non-warriors. How can you let women that you pursued, wooed and then married starve of the very thing that they wanted when they finally said “I do”?

Now our poor women must find the strength and audacity to stand before a magistrate seeking orders that husbands should be forced back home to fulfil their core duties. It is bad enough that the majority of you must be dragged before hapless magistrates every day to force you to look after the fruit of your loins. But for you to be forced to find pleasure at home? This is just too embarrassing for words. You unman a whole 48 percent of this country’s population!

Fortunately there are many of us who do not think that a mere marriage certificate or the payment of lobola by one dude puts a woman out of limit for the rest of manhood. So regulars at the usual place are kindly offering any starved women their free services and many of them promise that they will not serve Mopani worms at all, although naturally Bra Gee cannot vouch for the veracity of such claims.

Botched spiritual deal
We have always said, and continue to do so, that if we want to communicate with the big one upstairs we need no intermediary.

Last time we checked there was no one in possession of an exclusive number and any of us can dial direct and get a response.

Now, we have said it repeatedly that we do not hold any beef with any of these guys who gather huge gatherings for “Gospel of Prosperity” by claiming that they have an exclusive number and that all good messages can only come through their offertory plate — or is that bins.

In fact we greatly envy their ability to stupefy otherwise intelligent human beings and make a good living out of that.

But it seems week after week we are being treated to some deal gone wrong involving these men and women of the cloth. This time around the wife of one of the holy ones was duped into accepting a “hot” vehicle that was promptly impounded by the authorities after “receiving” it as a gift from one of the followers.

We had to restrain the fertile imagination of some of the regulars who were going to the extent of adumbrating that perhaps this thank you was also for ill gotten gains. No, no, no please let’s keep this conversation civil, and join us in prayer for the missus that she should just fit in the “mushika-shika” autos that the prophet is said to use each time he wants to be seen (not) flaunting the gains of the souls in distress.

But we really wonder why if the prophet can foretell misfortunes, plagues and blessing that lie ahead of his followers, how did he fail to see that this was soiled fruit and reject it? Is it the same reason why he seems to be one of the few who have failed to transmit prophetic powers in the marital bed?

Last call: Know your job description
Teacher to parent: Dear Ma’am, I am embarrassed to have to tell you that Tatenda does not smell so good in class. I would be grateful if you would try to bathe him daily. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Parent to Teacher: Dear Ma’am, Please note that Tatenda is a BOY and NOT a FLOWER! I would be grateful if you would stick to teaching him which is the service that his father and I are paying so dearly for.

May I suggest that you consider a career change and think of joining a perfumery or even a confectioner or a restaurant? But for now, thank you for in advance for sticking to your job description!

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email:[email protected]