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Some imagination really beats the mind, this was what somebody had to come up with to impress Dendera birthday boy Sulu on his birthday

BAR TALK With Bra Gee
Who am I?

Hubris does not even begin to describe it. My ego is larger than any room. I am so full of myself I even love the smell when I break the wind.

Is it any wonder then that when I had a good thing going with my pal we destroyed it because there was not enough space for both of our inflated egos? We made waves as a duo and for a while everyone loved us.

It was all about I, I and I. And it still is. So that is why I am now saying that I simply bowed down to outside pressure to return to this partnership. I am trying to downplay the importance of the team because I am the one who penned all the hits anyway.

My career is on a roll and I really do not need this ghost from the past hanging around my neck, you know. I have been doing well, unlike my erstwhile partners and I will be damned if I will give my glory up just so that we can return to what we used to be.

This ego of mine is failing to realise that I am just a better entrepreneur than the said erstwhile partner and not some super talented solo artistes. Otherwise how else would you explain the fact that when I went solo I never managed to produce any hot hits that became national anthems like the ones we made when we were together? Not even a lukewarm attempt that any vendor in the street could name from the top of their braai stand, I mean the top of their head.

Seriously as a musician I am just a two-bit player and the movers and shakers in the industry have made it clear that alone I am nothing so I have had to swallow my pride and go back home. But unfortunately I am still a petulant little boy who will not grow up and face the music squarely but still insist on sulking and crying foul all the time.

Off to get new spouses

Some people are just born under lucky stars, it is clear. They are so lucky to get themselves ever loyal spouses who stand with them through thick and thin. Imagine a whole woman standing, no sitting, in front of the world and saying, “It wasn’t him (my husband)”. If it was not so pathetic it would be funny.

But on the other hand we must say that we salute people whose glasses are always half full and who know that the problem is always caused by the ‘others’ and is never the fault of them or their loved ones.

Remember years ago when we heard how one allegedly pious man had been politically manoeuvred into forgetting the demands of his vow of celibacy? The political chicanery made him fall for a married woman and make several assignations with her until it became a piece of cake for someone to gather unassailable evidence that the priest was no holy virgin.

Then a few years down the line we heard how the same political wolves had literally kidnapped a whole leader of a party, frog marched him to a rendezvous and forced him to become intimate with their ‘plant’ at gun point. The said leader only discovered that he was a victim when the relationship with the alleged plant went wrong and he had to pay through the nose. That was to get out of the mess he had created by paying a king’s ransom to claim the plant as his bride.

Croesus and Midas unveiled

We really should make an effort to go back to school and get a string of letters after our names or a title that does not denote our sex before the said names. Because it looks like that is all you need to spout nonsense and expect people to take you seriously.

We are referring to the list of top richest people in the country. The only difference between that and those other famous lists that made our year in 2014 is that one was compiled under the auspices of an institution while the others did not have that mantle of respectability.

Otherwise the same scientific principle of applying guess work and compounding it with the products of the rumour mill were used. Because seriously how can you claim to have made a definitive list when you are using words like ‘unknown’ ‘believed’ and so forth? So how did you reach your conclusion if you did not have the full information?

Sounds just like that other claim that Zimbabweans use condoms more than any other country in the world. Huh? So why do we have an overload of women seeking legal channels to coerce dead beat fathers to look after their unplanned for progeny? And why do we have poor health practitioners seeing more and more people seeking treatment for socially unmentionable infections?

We surely can be forgiven for dismissing the whole richest who is who conjecture as so much bar talk. Or maybe there is motive here somewhere. There are names whose glaring omission from that list make us wonder what the objective was. Why were the whales and sharks left out so that we can be hoodwinked with the minnows?

Just like with the annotated roll calls of the alleged male and female philanderers of Harare, we hear the small voices of envy, malice and worse somewhere in the makeup of this list. Could it be a doomed attempt to wake up the tithe paying sheep by pointing out that the esteemed shepherds who have never practiced any other profession except to claim miracle churning are now among the richest wolves of the land?

Exposed launch

The album launch held last weekend opened our eyes to more than just the new music that was being put on the table. We discovered that people of Harare have become a hard to please crowd that keeps track of all human foibles in those who would be famous.

So if you are a wife snatcher, a tired horse or speak in broken English, take a word of warning and do not try to act the celebrity at these events. All your sins will be shouted for all and sundry. If you attend a show, just get down and dance. People do not mind your dancing, even if looks like it is the result of one too many in the usual place and you are an important personage. They simply resent having to pay homage to you at a time they are supposed to be having a good time at their own expense.

If you are the night’s star, beware who you invite to share the limelight with you. It is all very well to invite colleagues to help boost the lineup and swell the crowds. But sometimes they then become the main attractions and you are left feeling bitter as you struggle to make an impression yet it was supposed to be your night.

And do not price your work out of the market. The pirates will show you that vendors rule the roost.

Last call: Lie to me, please!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.

“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We were busy at it at her place all afternoon.”

She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

Till next week, bottoms up!

 Face Book: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar