No relationship is worth dying for Oscar Pistorius
Oscar Pistorius

Oscar Pistorius

Singer and songwriter Kenny Rogers has enjoyed success in both country music and pop music genres. Among one of his famous songs is “The Gambler”. In the song he sings “You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money when you are sitting at the table
There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealing’s done
Every gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowing what to throw away and knowing what to keep
‘Cause every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep’.
In the song, a veteran gambler is teaching a young man he has met on the train the tricks of the game.

Listening to the song over the weekend, whilst reading all the commentaries on the Oscar Pistorius’s court verdict, I was sadly reminded of the fate that befell the late Reeva Steenkamp.

Steenkamp, a South African model, was shot dead by her boyfriend, Oscar, on Valentine’s Day last year after allegedly being mistaken for an “intruder” who had broken into the athlete’s house.

After nearly half a year of evidence, the court made its ruling last week and Pistorius was not found guilty of murder with actual intent, but culpable homicide instead.

Naturally the verdict has not gone down well with some sections of society. Women’s groups are shocked.

Reeva’s parents are traumatised. Ans so are her friends.

So whether the murder was premeditated or not, or whether the verdict is an insult to the law profession is no longer important.

What is undoubtedly clear is that Steenkamp was killed in cold blood and adds to the statistics of men and women who die in unstable and volatile relationships.

Steenkamp, like the wise gambler, should have seen it coming and probably walked away when she was still able to. She failed to grasp the secret to survival, after it became apparent to her and the world that Pistorius was a temperamental and emotionally unstable man when it comes to relationships.

She did not know what to throw away and what to keep, and her failure to decide when she needed to, cost her life.

From all the information gleaned from friends, relatives and witnesses and presented during the lengthy trial, it emerged that the Pistorius and Steenkamp relationship was one made in hell.

Text messages between the pair in the weeks leading up to the shooting painted a picture of a volatile, stormy relationship with Steenkamp accusing Pistorius of continual jealousy and outbursts of anger.

So even before her death, Steenkamp was gambling with her own happiness and her life because the union was characterised by tiffs, emotional outbursts and a lot of drama.

Unlike Kenny Rogers’ gambler, Steenkamp had not learnt the trick to read people’s faces, and could not sense imminent danger.

She could have been hopelessly in love, hoping that Pistorius would change and that could have been the reason why she put up with his temper, and unfortunately for her, it proved costly.

Just to show that society and the law can sometimes turn a blind eye to one’s misery, the couple’s earlier quarrels were discredited with the learned judge arguing that it was normal for people in relationships to argue.

Steenkamp’s story is a common one. There are many Steenkamps in our midst who endure abusive relationships but are not courageous enough to walk away when the stakes are against them.

Research conducted over the years shows that one in four women experiences domestic abuse in their lifetime, with some of the incidences resulting in the death of the victim, like Reeva0. Men also experience the same problems, but are often unwilling to report for fear of being mocked by peers.
Continued abuse sometimes becomes normal that the victims don’t feel the need to report or leave, hoping the situation will improve with time.

A clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School, Craig Malkin, likened the relationship with an abusive partner to gambling addiction.

He says the person abused focuses on the positive waiting for the next positive. There is a psychological effect like gambling: the moments of tenderness and intimacy are unpredictable, but they are so intense and fulfilling that the victim winds up staying in the hope that a moment like that will happen and becomes a vicious cycle.

Experts even say that the limitations of leaving can be both psychological and physical, with many of the victims blaming themselves for the abusive behaviour of their partners. They actually convince themselves if they approach the person differently, maybe they won’t be abused. That could have been the situation that Steenkamp was probably in, but she was not lucky enough to walk away alive.

So whether the murder was premeditated or not, or whether Pistorius really thought there was an intruder in the house, Steenkamp’s union to her boyfriend ended tragically.

Relationships should not end like that nor should they be a source of misery, anger and self-condemnation.

An abusive relationship does not edify one’s self-esteem neither does it improve if the situation is antagonistic, but only further traumatises the two, especially the victim.

Violence, they say, begets violence. Unfortunately, Steenkamp is not alive to recount her experience at the hands of Pistorius, who is still alive and managed to convince the world that her death was an error.

That is precisely what happens to men and women in violent relationships. When fate strikes, no one is there to tell their stories, while their abusers pick up the pieces and move on. So please when the kitchen gets hot, walk out and get some cool air.

 

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